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Old 05-23-2018, 11:41 AM   #1
Script-ore
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Windows Media Player New script (Update)

--------------------UPDATE -> Scroll down

Hi everyone,

Some days ago I said I was going to start a new project. "indietalk" helped me to find a good logline for my script here. I have already written the synopsis.

I'd like you to give some comments about these three brief voice messages. Let's take one step back.

The story is about a middle-aged woman working as a mail carrier and suffering from a social anxiety disorder. She experiences vertigo, deafness, and aphasia when she talks with strangers. She's a lonely woman, and her family has almost abandoned her.

I thought about giving a brief outline of her backstory and lonely life with these three voice messages by her sister.

I know it's not written properly. Just focus on the voice messages. Do they convey a sense of loneliness? Are they well-written?

It should be something like:


Scene 1

In her dark bedroom, GIOVANNA (the protagonist) listens to a voice message sent by her sister.

Sister (V.O.)

Hey lover carrier, still chatting with that Tinder guy? Listen, I and John are planning a party for mum's birthday--

Scene 2

GIOVANNA takes an elevator and listens to a voice message sent by her sister.

SISTER (V.O.)

Hey Sis', I'm sorry you didn't show up at the party. It was fun. Uh, you know what? My Tina's boyfriend is so smart and hot. I was so proud--

Scene 3

While washing the dishes, GIOVANNA listens to another voice message.

SISTER (V.O.)

Hey Gio! You should call mum, you know. Anyway, just seen your ex-husband on the metro--

P.S.:

I'm a non-native writer. Sorry for the possible grammar inaccuracies.

Last edited by Script-ore; 06-08-2018 at 12:13 PM.
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Old Today   #1A
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Old 05-23-2018, 11:46 AM   #2
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I forgot to mention that it's a short film, so there's not too much space for her backstory/family life.
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Old 05-23-2018, 11:57 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Script-ore View Post
I know it's not written properly. Just focus on the voice messages. Do they convey a sense of loneliness? Are they well-written?
Yes and yes.

Other than your struggle with English I can see where you're going
with this. It works.
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Old 05-23-2018, 01:05 PM   #4
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"Your x-husband" should be the guy's name, but I see you are trying to let people know who he is, so just say "Your ex" and if she divorced him because of her issues and he did nothing wrong you could add line in there, something like... "He still cares about you, ya know..."
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Old 05-23-2018, 01:08 PM   #5
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#1. How about:

Hey get off tinder and answer the phone once in awhile!

#2. I didn't get the Tina part.

#3. See above.

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Old 05-25-2018, 03:22 AM   #6
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Thanks guys!
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Old 06-08-2018, 11:34 AM   #7
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UPDATE

Hi everybody,

I've written the first part of my new script. It's the main character's introduction (the inciting event is missing).
I'd love to have your feedback.

LOGLINE (SHORT FILM):

In the search for her lost dog, a young woman discovers a new friendship, and a new life, when she is forced to overcome her social anxiety disorder.

Click here to read the script.

Regarding the social anxiety disorder, I've based my writing on the information found on this page and in this amazing book.

Bye

Last edited by Script-ore; 06-08-2018 at 12:05 PM.
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Old 06-11-2018, 07:08 AM   #8
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Any comments or suggestions? Does it work for you?
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