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Thoughts on a feature length script

M

mmkp1990

Hello,

I have pretty much finished 80% of my script. I am currently writing the last 20% and rewriting it but I am taking a break for the next couple of days due to slugging this out the past month. Anyway the last 20% of the script is around 30 pages, whilst the 80% is 152 pages at the moment. I know you will say that seems too much and I agree. It was at at one stage 187 pages but I have been as brutal as I can be to condense the script further. I do believe however that this story does seem larger than normal and 150or just below pages may seem right. To reach that I may need the 80% to be condensed further.

I believe anyone who reads my script is able to have me on this as it is nice to have somebody from the outside to read it and give me their thoughts. I am trying to get a couple of people so that I can look at the constructive feedback and see any common issues I may have. At the moment two people are reading the script but a couple more will be very helpful.

If I can get the whole script condensed to 150 pages, then I can submit it to a screenwriting contest.

The link to the script is below on my google drive (send me a share request if you need to):

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9ndU1kaHIwYkZxSVk/edit?usp=sharing

I have used Mac word to write my script (formatted it to match screenplay requirements) so I hope it comes out okay when you read it on your computer.

Just so you know what the story is about, here is the log line:


A traditional animation feature length focusing on the survival, consequences and hardships two young siblings must
endure after the death of their parents during a devastating tsunami.

I have drawings of the original characters (I didn't draw them, an friend of mine who is an illustrator has), if you want to use it to help imagine the characters, then here you go. Again if you need a share request then tell me.
There are some who you won't recognised as they don't appear till later. The one with Haruto and Miyu is Chiyo, their mother and Miyu and Keiko drawings are 4 years older versions of themselves which again is later in the story.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9nMHJ2Wkt1OXBVczg/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks and I appreciate any help you can provide.
 
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While I haven't read your screenplay, as a former studio/prodco story analyst and agency assistant - having read literally hundreds and hundreds of screenplays - I can say with some confidence that I have found it incredibly (INCREDIBLY) rare to find screenplays over 120 pages that would not benefit from being cut down. It's not about being "brutal". It's about taking out everything (including scenes you love) if they aren't absolutely crucial to move your story forward. In addition, for animation, over 90-100 pages is a tough sell -- and spec animation screenplays are a really really tough sell as it is.

If you honestly can't cut your screenplay down and still tell the story, perhaps it's too big a story to tell in a single film?

Best of luck to you in any case!
 
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mmkp1990 said:
Okay, well if anybody wants to access it then just drop us a message that you want a google share. Thanks for the info
Click to expand...

The thing is, if you're asking people to read your script, then isn't it a bit much to then add extra hoops for them to jump through in order to even get the script in front of them? Surely if you're looking for feedback you should relax the access permissions on the file to let people click through to it easily?... Otherwise many people just won't bother. I know I wouldn't, as a matter of principle.

Good luck :)
 
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maz said:
The thing is, if you're asking people to read your script, then isn't it a bit much to then add extra hoops for them to jump through in order to even get the script in front of them? Surely if you're looking for feedback you should relax the access permissions on the file to let people click through to it easily?... Otherwise many people just won't bother. I know I wouldn't, as a matter of principle.

Good luck :)
Click to expand...

Agreed.

If I could see the script immediately, I'd have read at least the first 10 pages or so, and, if it grabbed me, I'd have read more. But for me to have to ask for permission to give you the feedback that you've requested just feels like a waste of my time...

Also, I have to agree on the page count... 150 pages for an animation seems incredibly long!
 
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I have relaxed the file, sorry I didn't know that was the reason people couldn't read the script, I'm still getting used to google drive. Thank you for this. I have updated the links in the first post.
 
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Scripts & Scribes said:
While I haven't read your screenplay, as a former studio/prodco story analyst and agency assistant - having read literally hundreds and hundreds of screenplays - I can say with some confidence that I have found it incredibly (INCREDIBLY) rare to find screenplays over 120 pages that would not benefit from being cut down. It's not about being "brutal". It's about taking out everything (including scenes you love) if they aren't absolutely crucial to move your story forward. In addition, for animation, over 90-100 pages is a tough sell -- and spec animation screenplays are a really really tough sell as it is.

If you honestly can't cut your screenplay down and still tell the story, perhaps it's too big a story to tell in a single film?

Best of luck to you in any case!
Click to expand...

Thanks for your info on this. I have changed the link to a sharing link so you can see the script yourself. If you believe I can become more brutal then please let me know. There is one in particular I am thinking of with the pictionary game where I can get rid of the montage and simply have the start of the game where miyu guess right, boy and girl wants to play then go straight to the winner takes all round. That could save me two pages without sacrificing story to begin with. The others may have to be change in writing style a little but not sure yet. I think the problem is that I'm a beginner. A person who breaks through the industry has more of a chance writing and selling a 150 odd page story than a beginner. That could be a problem. But I do believe the story flows well, but nice to have neutral readers look at it to see what they think.
 
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I read the opening five pages and, except for a briefest of brief image of a teenage boy staring at scars on his wrists (teenage angst alert), it's a rather banal scene of a family playing a game of "Ludo" with dice. The tension, such as it is, centers on whether the main character will beat his sister. With stakes like these in an opening scene, you'll be lucky to get anyone to read much further.

Listen to Scripts & Scribes.

Best of luck!
 
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Adeimantus said:
I read the opening five pages and, except for a briefest of brief image of a teenage boy staring at scars on his wrists (teenage angst alert), it's a rather banal scene of a family playing a game of "Ludo" with dice. The tension, such as it is, centers on whether the main character will beat his sister. With stakes like these in an opening scene, you'll be lucky to get anyone to read much further.

Listen to Scripts & Scribes.

Best of luck!
Click to expand...

Cool, Thanks. Looking at that then it is best that ofter the opening scene, to go straight to the family running away from the house as the tsunami heads towards them. That cuts 4 pages, the game scene I can cut as previously mentioned. Haruto looking at the Ludo box before hand, reminding him of earlier of the game, remove that as no Ludo game before then. Your comment alone has helped probably cut ten pages there already.

Thank you very much :)
 
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Ok... So, there's quite a few issues to work through here. A lot of these things could be fixed up and would probably shorten the length of the screenplay dramatically. To give a few examples:

You've written:

Code: 
                   HARUTO
              Okay then, let's make a pinky promise so 
              that we don't go back on our word.

Haruto reaches out his pinky finger. Miyu reaches out her hand and curls her 
pinky finger around Haruto's.

This dialogue is too "on the nose". It's completely unnecessary. Much better would be:

Code: 
                   HARUTO
              Okay then. Pinky promise?


Then, later, you have Haruto say:

Code: 
                   HARUTO
               Let's hurry!

That's completely unnecessary, as they are already hurrying and it goes without saying that they need to hurry. Get rid of dialogue such as this.

You also have areas of action that can easily be condensed. You write:

Code: 
Haruto flicks the dice out of his hand. It HITS the board and rolls to the center before 
stopping to show the number one.

This could be:

Code: 
Haruto rolls the dice. It lands on one.

Does exactly the same thing.

Keep working at it. Good luck!
 
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mad_hatter said:
Ok... So, there's quite a few issues to work through here. A lot of these things could be fixed up and would probably shorten the length of the screenplay dramatically. To give a few examples:

You've written:

Code: 
                   HARUTO
              Okay then, let's make a pinky promise so 
              that we don't go back on our word.

Haruto reaches out his pinky finger. Miyu reaches out her hand and curls her 
pinky finger around Haruto's.

This dialogue is too "on the nose". It's completely unnecessary. Much better would be:

Code: 
                   HARUTO
              Okay then. Pinky promise?


Then, later, you have Haruto say:

Code: 
                   HARUTO
               Let's hurry!

That's completely unnecessary, as they are already hurrying and it goes without saying that they need to hurry. Get rid of dialogue such as this.

You also have areas of action that can easily be condensed. You write:

Code: 
Haruto flicks the dice out of his hand. It HITS the board and rolls to the center before 
stopping to show the number one.

This could be:

Code: 
Haruto rolls the dice. It lands on one.

Does exactly the same thing.

Keep working at it. Good luck!
Click to expand...

Thank you for your tips, very helpful. I have taken out the Ludo game scenes as mentioned by Adeimantus. I have gone straight from opening scene where he views his scar on his wrist to the family running away from the tsunami. That has brought it down to 140 pages as some things following on from the story had to go due to the Ludo game at the start going. Then with your tips I can use for the rest of the script, I can hopefully condense it even more. :)
 
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carlbrooks said:
Have you got the updated link for me to access?

*Sorry, my mistake*
Click to expand...

No worries.

Just an update on the situation of my condensing of the script. Thanks to the advice given by the people on this thread, I have managed to cut down the 80% of my story from 187 pages to 120 pages. When I include the ending, the script will be less than 150 pages, that means if good enough, I can enter my script in a screenwriting competition, which is my main aim. I am going to see how tight I can make it and if anyone interested I will include an updated version of the script on this thread via link by this week. I can actually tell the difference between a tight and loose script easily after this re-write, it's a massive difference.

To give an example of a difference between a loose and tight script, on the loose script I included the start where the boy looks out the rain covered window and views his scar, before going to flashback (my story works by showing what happened previous all the way to that current moment then then end), but anyway the next part was showing the family playing Ludo, a supposedly light hearted moment to bring out nice family enjoyment time, before the tsunami occurs the next day. On the loose script, it would take 9 pages until something significant actually occurs after the opening scene.

Now in the tight script, what I have done is look at it a different way. Instead of including the nice family bonding time, why not after the opening scene, go straight to the tsunami part where the family is running away from the tsunami. It is compelling and hits the reader hard straight away, making them want to read on. The tsunami occurs from page 1.

This is what I have learned thanks to the advice given to me by "established writers" on this thread. Thank you for your advice as it helps me understand how to look at a script in a different way. At one point this script looked like well over 200 pages, now it looks like it is going to be less than 150 pages I was hoping for, which is just amazing and a substantial but much needed cut down.
 
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Good luck!

Remember, if you want to compare literary forms with film, a short film is flash fiction, a feature film is a short story, and a novel corresponds to a series (like TRUE DETECTIVE). Your instinct seems to be to overwrite and overstuff your script, so now you know what to fight against. When in doubt, cut it. The hardest and best skill you can learn is to read your own writing like you read someone else's.
 
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Adeimantus said:
Good luck!

Remember, if you want to compare literary forms with film, a short film is flash fiction, a feature film is a short story, and a novel corresponds to a series (like TRUE DETECTIVE). Your instinct seems to be to overwrite and overstuff your script, so now you know what to fight against. When in doubt, cut it. The hardest and best skill you can learn is to read your own writing like you read someone else's.
Click to expand...

Cheers buddy, that was the key in the condensing and rewrite, to look at the script as like an outside reader. Should be finished in couple of days and then I would post the script in multiple parts rather than one part to make it easier for people to read. Hopefully it is a lot better as whist rewriting I was thinking wow, it was really bad before the rewrite. But I believe it does seems lot tighter and better than before. If its half as good as your two scripts that got to the semis in the fellowship competition, then for a novice like myself it is a big step in the right direction.
 
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mmkp1990 said:
go straight to the tsunami part where the family is running away from the tsunami. It is compelling and hits the reader hard straight away, making them want to read on.
Click to expand...


[A movie] should start with an earthquake and build to a climax. - Samuel Goldwyn


See if you can strip it down even more, pare it down to the absolute barest essentials. I worked on the audio post of a feature quite a while ago where the first edit was 140 minutes - that's right, two (2) hours and 20 minutes. Second edit was 112 minutes. A couple of "renegade" producers in LA took the director under their wing and whittled it down to 83 minutes. It won two major festivals - the 2004 Moondance IFF and the Australian IFF - and did very well at a number of others.

I know that you have a lot to say/show, and it's a screenwriting competition, but if you ever want your film to be made you should do everything that you can to get it to under 90 minutes.



Good Luck!!!
 
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Alcove Audio said:
[A movie] should start with an earthquake and build to a climax. - Samuel Goldwyn


See if you can strip it down even more, pare it down to the absolute barest essentials. I worked on the audio post of a feature quite a while ago where the first edit was 140 minutes - that's right, two (2) hours and 20 minutes. Second edit was 112 minutes. A couple of "renegade" producers in LA took the director under their wing and whittled it down to 83 minutes. It won two major festivals - the 2004 Moondance IFF and the Australian IFF - and did very well at a number of others.

I know that you have a lot to say/show, and it's a screenwriting competition, but if you ever want your film to be made you should do everything that you can to get it to under 90 minutes.



Good Luck!!!
Click to expand...

Yes agreed, I will do my best. Once I finish the script, rewrite the ending, I will know how many pages are done which I am sure is less than 150. I will ask then for people if they don't mind to read my screenplay (which I will send in parts) to see for final time if there are any more tips in order to strip down the pages. Then I am sure the script will be stripped to its minimum. Tbh it's very exciting
 
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UPDATE:

Okay so as I have mentioned before, I have split the screenplay into three parts to make it easier for people to read. This is still 80% of the story as I am still working on the ending but the amazing part is that the same story has been cut from 187 pages to 118. Unbelievable!!! That is thanks to the advice from you guys as I have mentioned many times before.

I am hoping that by reading the parts that you believe the screenplay now looks a lot better. Is there any more final tips I need to work on in order to see if it can be cut down some more before I include the last 20% of the story? What do you guys think of the story anyway? How far off am I from being able to submit it to a competition?

Also and I know it is a bit of laziness on my part, if you look at part 2 and 3, it may contain a slight bit of content from the previous part. I did this to keep the format, if I just pasted the next content, in the full screenplay it may have started on middle of page, if I pasted it on a new doc then I have to mess about with the format by making sure all lines are even and all that, so I just pasted from the start of a page.

So below are the links to the three parts on google drive:

Part 1: (43 pages) : https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9nSzBPTmczWHZPd2s/edit?usp=sharing

Part 2: (41 pages): https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9nVjNseG1mN0IyNTA/edit?usp=sharing

Part 3: (36 pages): https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9ncEF2bGJ4LTFQUmc/edit?usp=sharing

I know I should finish the ending first but I am one of those who is excited for feedback/criticism that I just can't wait. I am working on the ending as we speak :)
 
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I had a very quick look at this.

First, congrads on completing your screenplay!!! Well done.

If you don't want honest feedback, stop reading now...
If you don't want honest feedback, stop reading now...
If you don't want honest feedback, stop reading now...

You have quite a few novice screenwriter flags raised, even on the first page. But that's fine - most first screenplays are novice affairs. And screenwriting is rewriting - a first draft virtually always has to be rewritten or have a major polish to bring it up to grade.

You need to learn to write in active voice, not passive voice. Your writing is not tight enough - you include too much unnecessary info and detail that simply slows the read. Your action scenes were not written in a thrilling way - action is difficult to write. You have to amp things up for the reader - pro screenwriters make their screenwriters real page-turners. Your dialogue was too expositional, at times also too on-the-nose and could and should be a lot tighter.

The following articles will help a lot:

Keep Descriptions Brief and Tight
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/keep-descriptions-brief-and-tight.php

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php

Expositional Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/expositional-dialogue.php

'On-the-nose' Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/on-the-nose-dialogue.php

Overall, good effort but you have work to do to get your script to pro-level.
 
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