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CRITIQUE MY 3 MINUTE SCREENPLAY!

L

liezl

so, i wrote a short screenplay last year that i just recently dug up.

it's loosely based on a "true" story that some guy i met in a bar told me concerning him and his ex-fiancee. who knows if it was him or the alcohol speaking, but whether it's actually true or not, it doesn't matter - the story stuck with me.

this is the first screenplay i've put out for people to read, so it makes me a little nervous because i know i'm no great writer. but i'd like to hear what you guys have to say about it. what are it's strengths? what are it's weaknesses?

i know there are a few spelling and grammatical errors i've got to fix and i've got to change the title too. also, i know it's written in a very prose-ish style as compared to a typical screenplay style, but my justification is that i obviously don't plan on selling this. i do hope, however, to film this pretty soon.

anyway, i'll stop blabbing. here's the link!
 
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ohh.. I liked it. Easy fast read,

This critique is story only, not formant or screenplay appropriateness....

I guessed what was happening right off, but wanted to finish anyway.. which I believe is a good thing in such a short story as we don't really have time to develop and uncover a mystery. It really evoked a sense of place and mood.

Having the "white square" as piece of paper then finding out its a photograph doesn't add anything, you can just call it a Polaroid from the start, that way were more interested in SEEING what it is when you do reveal it..
it wont change the story and remove a small confusion..

You could expand the
flashback
a bit. Maybe Jude is asking her why she refuses to marry him, or something to hype of the tragedy, but its fine as is..


This could be a great weekend film project. Its also small enough where you could blog the whole thing from screen play to upload to vimeo as a sorta "tutorial"
 
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wow, thanks wheatgrinder!

i agree, the 'white square' never really clicked with me. i just thought it was the most appropriate way to describe it, as at that stage, the viewer will only have seen it as such. i've changed it now, and i think it does remove a bit of confusion.

the flashback. i was actually thinking about throwing some in during that scene. the story is that they'd had a big fight and broken up. so while i show her standing there on the edge during the flashback i was thinking of overlaying echoes of a heated argument between the two...

your blog idea is great! i think i might just do that! stay tuned...
 
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On further thought..

I like the idea of NOT knowing why she does what she does.. viewers DO have imagination, let them use it. :)

Maybe some visual symbols to hint at some cause..

The capital T - Truth, is that sometimes we dont know why people do what they do, and not knowing "why" hurts us even more.

Heck, it might have been an accident.

This short could lead to a series of shorts where you "investigate" the possible whys..
 
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man.. you tickeld my brain..

So your next short you expand a bit on the why.. yes it was a big fight..

the short after that we discover what the big fight was about.. bigger implication..

so on and so on. ending up with IDA being a undercover agent who was "tracking" Jude, but fell in love, but was conflicted when she got the order to "neutralize" Jude. She staged the fight and the jump .. and shes not dead.. woho!
 
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i really liked it. The way you wrote it really put a picture in my mind and what i couldnt get out of my head was that Jude was Agent Booth from Bones. (google image him if you dont know who i mean) he just seems the right person for the part, but instead of casting your short film ill just shut up haha. i hope one day you will make this short film as i would love to see it :->

-Callum
 
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Good visual storytelling.

When I was making the transition from writing feature length to short scripts, I learned that the art of the short was more about surprise and reversal. Although well told, I could see the end coming. Not necessarily a bad thing. It just depends on the impression you want to leave with your audience. My first short script ended on a similar down note. I changed it in a subsequent draft.

Bear this in mind as you read the next passage: no two writers would approach material the same way, which is why you can't copyright an idea, just the execution of it.

What I would not have seen coming was that the paper was a suicide note, and that the vision he had of her was just that - a vision. And in actuality he discovered the note that she had placed in his jacket pocket when he turned his back on her. After finding it, he went to the cliff to try to stop her, and was too late. And then he jumps. But as he falls to his doom, there she is, clinging to the cliff side, fighting to live. Reversal, then reversal again. And the final shot, her hands as they let go.

Reminiscent of Romeo and Juliette. :cheers:
 
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smurfy, barnaclelapse and vpturner - thanks so much for the comments!

smurfy: agent booth would be PERFECT!!! lol

vp: i really like your idea about making it a
suicide note
. however, i think i want to maintain the idea that jude is
haunted by her painful memory everytime he returns to visit the cliff-edge. the back story is that he actually used to visit the cliff for a smoke every morning on his way to work, and one morning he claimed to have been visited by her ghost.
but thanks heaps! i'll keep an open mind to your suggestions in the draft to come! also, i'll see what i can do to make it a little more surprising:)
 
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Good visual descriptions.

I'm a little confused here. So when Ida sits next Jude in the first scene, she is not real, right? I'm having this impression because you introduced the flashback later on.

To be honest, it'll be confusing to the viewers when filmed. That's because you've not written a way to show that it was not real. The director has to really think of something different to convey this.

For example; in "A Beautiful Mind", there is explanation that John Nash's friend and other secret agent people are just his imagination. Of course, they tell us, but there is one crucial scene when his friend and a girl come to visit him. We see the girl running in the ground full of birds, but the birds don't move! I know that a lot people will miss that point, but it was a damn good way to tell that they were not real.

You can always expand this screenplay to 6 pages and add some extra stuff.

Also watch Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. You'll get some more ideas.
 
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navibob,
I respectfully disagree. The revelation that she is a ghost is the hook.

I and at least one other that have read it, knew she was a ghost from the onset, possibly because she doesn't FIT the setting.. dressed up, drunk, in the middle of the day. When filmed it will be more obvious that she is "out of place"
 
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liezl said:
btw, i just read your suggestions, wheatgrinder! they made me lol!!!

but definitely some good ideas there :P we'll see where this short takes me!
Click to expand...

ah, I was just funnin.. dont expand it.. a nice tight short that you WILL make is better than the expanded mini-movie that you PLAN to make.. Get some friends and make this movie next weekend. :) If it sucks, go back and do it again.. lol
 
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Why can't a person be drunk and dress like that during day? There can be hundreds of reasons for her current condition. I still stand by my point, but I do respect your take on the script. At the end of the day, it's his choice :)
 
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first of all, good to see a fellow aussie here.

Secondly that was a great short to read, to fancy story line, straight and to the point, which is what most of the movies lack nowadays.

And it seems to be quite easy to film given the fact that there ain't too much dialogue.

Hopefully we can see the finished product soon :) Good luck
 
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I like the set-up and the setting, but I would cut out the flashback and juice up the story.


1. He is there at the ocean reflecting and sad.- She approaches with the bottle.


2. She doesn’t hand him the picture, she puts her hand in his jacket pocket from where
he then immediately takes out the picture.
(So we SEE he can FEEL her.. Even if he doesn’t know it.)


3. He looks at the photo- He looks at the ocean.


4. He stands and walks to his car, starts the engine and just sits there.
He looks again at the photo. - Turns off the car and goes back to the bench.


5. We HEAR a little swell of her voice from the past in the sound of the ocean.
(He doesn’t hear this as manifested sound, it’s more like WE hear his grief and memories.)


6. He is in tears – We don’t see her approach, she just sits besides him.


7. We see them from behind the bench side by side, ocean stretching out into the distance.
She touches his face- He exhales, stands and walks out of frame.


8. She stands and turns if there is still that which she needs to say, but instead she just
slumps down on the bench and bows her head.


9. We hold on her for a just a secon--


10. He bolts past and jumps off the cliff!


THE END

OR

10. He bolts past and jumps off the cliff!

11. Tilt down- On the Bench: Only the vodka bottle, photo (and sound of the ocean) remain.


THE END.


-Thanks-
 
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