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Feedback needed for my short script 'Gold Mine'

A

amp

This is my short screenplay 'Gold Mine' which I have just finished rewrites on it. The plot is about an Indian Gold Smuggler who dies in hospital while under surgery and the gold has been found in his stomach. Now five people - a young couple, two brothers and the Chief Surgeon - all want the gold for different reasons whether for good or greed.
I would love to know what you think of it and thank you for taking the time to read it.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1E89_teazcUbEJtbVEzc2tsdDg/edit?usp=sharing
 
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Well, in the absence of anyone more qualified, I'll put up a few thoughts.

It's a nice idea, but for me it suffers straightaway as it doesn't seem to be a realistic situation - it's more like a sketch of a hospital than anything more researched. I very much doubt, for example, that a head surgeon would be going around chasing relatives or next of kin - there are nurses and admin staff to do that sort of thing. Hospitals also have policies and procedures to deal with the kind of situation described, and throwing something valuable found on a patient's person into an unsealed plastic bag in a desk drawer would not be among them - the surgeon would presumably have to call the police straightaway for that quantity of gold (same as if drugs were found, or whatever).

Of course you could just say it's a modern morality play, and it isn't intended to be at all realistic, which would be a valid viewpoint, as long as the viewers see it the same way.

So the setup is OK (apart from the above points), but then the script seems to get bogged down in detail in Act II. Do we really need to know that Kayleigh is eating a strawberry, chewing a strawberry, then swallowing a strawberry? And there is other action stuff and long-winded dialogue that probably doesn't need to be there (if you intend anybody else to evaluate this other than yourself, that is. If you're the only person who is going to be looking at the script then it's not such a problem). As it is, I reckon it's a 15-page script that takes 20 pages.

I do think it all falls apart a bit in Act III with the random shootout etc. It's a shame, as it has a lot of potential as a short film concept.

Finally, I can't help but think that "Gold Rush" would be a better title than "Gold Mine" (although I appreciate the pun in the latter).

Good luck with the workshop! :)
 
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amp said:
OK I really need some feedback on this straight away if you can please. I'm going to do a film making workshop for a week starting tomorrow and I'm going to pitch this script. I really need to know what you all think of it and if it's worth making.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't be pitching that script. It needs a lot of work.
 
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Thank you for your opinions but I don't think I can rewrite it now in and come up with new ideas. I'm might give it a try but I'm going to write something new, simple and very short soon.
If you still have advice or tips please indeed give them to me so far so good.
 
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maz said:
It's a nice idea, but for me it suffers straightaway as it doesn't seem to be a realistic situation - it's more like a sketch of a hospital than anything more researched. I very much doubt, for example, that a head surgeon would be going around chasing relatives or next of kin - there are nurses and admin staff to do that sort of thing. Hospitals also have policies and procedures to deal with the kind of situation described, and throwing something valuable found on a patient's person into an unsealed plastic bag in a desk drawer would not be among them - the surgeon would presumably have to call the police straightaway for that quantity of gold (same as if drugs were found, or whatever).

Of course you could just say it's a modern morality play, and it isn't intended to be at all realistic, which would be a valid viewpoint, as long as the viewers see it the same way.

So the setup is OK (apart from the above points), but then the script seems to get bogged down in detail in Act II. Do we really need to know that Kayleigh is eating a strawberry, chewing a strawberry, then swallowing a strawberry? And there is other action stuff and long-winded dialogue that probably doesn't need to be there (if you intend anybody else to evaluate this other than yourself, that is. If you're the only person who is going to be looking at the script then it's not such a problem). As it is, I reckon it's a 15-page script that takes 20 pages.

I do think it all falls apart a bit in Act III with the random shootout etc. It's a shame, as it has a lot of potential as a short film concept.

Finally, I can't help but think that "Gold Rush" would be a better title than "Gold Mine" (although I appreciate the pun in the latter).
Click to expand...

Thank you for that. I am going to rewrite it now (I'm halfway there and I have gotten rid of a page of unnecessary action thank you there will be more), I'm going to try and make it more realistic by setting it in a lonely B&B or a lonely hotel, they seem a better place for it to be. What do you think?
I read over it again and I'm going to also do a major rewrite on the dialogue.
About the third act do you think I should get rid of the shooting or change it maybe to a stabbing? What else did you feel was wrong?
What did you or anybody else for that matter think of the characters? The ending? Is it worth watching? Are you moved? Did you laugh/cry/hate it or like it? I'm asking these questions as I'm pretty serious about doing this.
But as for you above thank you for taking the time to read it. It was extremely helpful as well as the other person who replied to it.
 
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amp said:
Thank you for that. I am going to rewrite it now (I'm halfway there and I have gotten rid of a page of unnecessary action thank you there will be more), I'm going to try and make it more realistic by setting it in a lonely B&B or a lonely hotel, they seem a better place for it to be. What do you think?
I read over it again and I'm going to also do a major rewrite on the dialogue.
About the third act do you think I should get rid of the shooting or change it maybe to a stabbing? What else did you feel was wrong?
What did you or anybody else for that matter think of the characters? The ending? Is it worth watching? Are you moved? Did you laugh/cry/hate it or like it? I'm asking these questions as I'm pretty serious about doing this.
But as for you above thank you for taking the time to read it. It was extremely helpful as well as the other person who replied to it.
Click to expand...

How would it work in a hotel? How would the gold be discovered, and why would anyone have the need to take it to the boss etc?

In the third act, I don't understand why the surgeon suddenly feels the need to come and stick his hand in Richard's pocket. It just seems to come out of nowhere. The shooting is a bit silly, I think, and is there a need for any weapons at all? The surgeon is clearly unfit, and if Richard is a shady character he could presumably put him on the ground easily enough.

The characters are a bit samey, but I think a lot of that is because the dialogue is still quite flabby, and the characters' individual voices get lost among the flab.

Being brutally honest, the ending did nothing for me whatsoever, because for me the story had already fallen apart somewhere near the start of the second act.
 
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maz said:
How would it work in a hotel? How would the gold be discovered, and why would anyone have the need to take it to the boss etc?

In the third act, I don't understand why the surgeon suddenly feels the need to come and stick his hand in Richard's pocket. It just seems to come out of nowhere. The shooting is a bit silly, I think, and is there a need for any weapons at all? The surgeon is clearly unfit, and if Richard is a shady character he could presumably put him on the ground easily enough.

The characters are a bit samey, but I think a lot of that is because the dialogue is still quite flabby, and the characters' individual voices get lost among the flab.

Being brutally honest, the ending did nothing for me whatsoever, because for me the story had already fallen apart somewhere near the start of the second act.
Click to expand...

The body would be discovered in a bed, dead after not leaving his room for a few days and not paying the hotel. The boss would take it because he wants to help his brother with his gambling debts, Mike and Kayleigh want it to go on holiday and to have a bit more money so life can be easier. They'd take it to the boss because they don't know what to do and they're a good person that's why.

The rest I'm changing so don't worry about that.
 
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amp said:
The body would be discovered in a bed, dead after not leaving his room for a few days and not paying the hotel. The boss would take it because he wants to help his brother with his gambling debts, Mike and Kayleigh want it to go on holiday and to have a bit more money so life can be easier. They'd take it to the boss because they don't know what to do and they're a good person that's why.

The rest I'm changing so don't worry about that.
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So presumably the gold isn't inside the guy in this version, just in his possession? And you'd have M's superior who would be the honest one to take it to the boss and trust him to deal with it honestly?

The reason I asked about why they would take it to the boss was, if they're happy to steal from the boss anyway, then there's no need to even take it to him in the first place.
 
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OK so the pitch went good and story itself manifested into something much shorter and I think better. Everyone threw in good ideas and what we ended up with was that a dead millionaire is found in a hotel room (died of natural causes) the manager goes in after the body is gone, sees a bag filled with money and takes it to his office for safe keepings but a maid sees this bag, steals it from his office and then loses it herself. Now the manager finds out the bag is missing and him and the maid are running around the hotel searching for this bag (the manager being completely oblivious that the maid took it), and it eventually leads the maid finding that a bellboy took the bag to store in lost and found, she takes the bag, turns around and the manager is standing in front of her, and he takes the bag from her, thanks her and gives it to the heir of the dead millionaire. There's a little bit more in the middle but that is the basics. It contains very little dialogue and is much, much, very much shorter and in my opinion better as it would be fun.
But thank you for responses because I wouldn't have given them the basis to come up with this story above.
 
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amp said:
OK so the pitch went good and story itself manifested into something much shorter and I think better. Everyone threw in good ideas and what we ended up with was that a dead millionaire is found in a hotel room (died of natural causes) the manager goes in after the body is gone, sees a bag filled with money and takes it to his office for safe keepings but a maid sees this bag, steals it from his office and then loses it herself. Now the manager finds out the bag is missing and him and the maid are running around the hotel searching for this bag (the manager being completely oblivious that the maid took it), and it eventually leads the maid finding that a bellboy took the bag to store in lost and found, she takes the bag, turns around and the manager is standing in front of her, and he takes the bag from her, thanks her and gives it to the heir of the dead millionaire. There's a little bit more in the middle but that is the basics. It contains very little dialogue and is much, much, very much shorter and in my opinion better as it would be fun.
But thank you for responses because I wouldn't have given them the basis to come up with this story above.
Click to expand...

Hmm... it sounds like a farce, the way you describe it, especially with the lack of dialogue (not that's necessarily a bad thing, as long as that's what you're aiming for!)

Reducing the number of characters is possibly a good idea, but I think losing the competition among 'bad' guys (from 3 down to 1) is a bit of a shame.
 
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maz said:
Hmm... it sounds like a farce, the way you describe it, especially with the lack of dialogue (not that's necessarily a bad thing, as long as that's what you're aiming for!)

Reducing the number of characters is possibly a good idea, but I think losing the competition among 'bad' guys (from 3 down to 1) is a bit of a shame.
Click to expand...

It's more easier having just one person wanting to do good and having another wanting to do bad and being greedy but we all like it and are going to do it because having multiple bad guys really complicates the situation but I'll post it up on the screening room once we've finished it.
Do you mean it being a farce in a bad way or a good way? Or are just saying it? It is suppose to be fun.
 
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Goldmine

Seems like too many characters for a short script. In the premise we do not get a sense of the why of the characters and what they want to achieve. why would these characters be going thru all this trial and tribulation for this gold, and like a previous member said, especially a dr. What is the main obstacle these ppl. have to go thru to achieve their goal? I am actually more curious about how the young man came to have have gold in his stomach. Good luck. But like a few ppl. said I wouldn't pitch this without a lot more work.
 
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amp said:
It's more easier having just one person wanting to do good and having another wanting to do bad and being greedy but we all like it and are going to do it because having multiple bad guys really complicates the situation but I'll post it up on the screening room once we've finished it.
Do you mean it being a farce in a bad way or a good way? Or are just saying it? It is suppose to be fun.
Click to expand...

I meant farce in the sense of a situation which starts off sort of sane and then spirals off into more and more ridiculousness. The lack of dialogue makes me think of silent movies where there's a lot of physical acting. If you want it to be fun then it sounds like it certainly could be!

A comment from me wouldn't be complete without reference to a TV show, so did you watch Inside Number 9 from the BBC earlier in the year? There were two episodes of that show that were very similar to the sort of thing you're proposing. One was a dialogue-free 'heist' (featuring Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter) that was very definitely the good sort of farce, while the other was an episode about a man dying and leaving something valuable, and those present squabbling over who should get it. I can't recommend that series highly enough - some of the most original TV I've seen in years.
 
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Feedback on my action comedy story treatment for a student film

Nick is a slacking, day-dreaming, unpopular, tall, lanky teen who's not really good at anything except drawing.
One day, he and his best friend Mike ditch class (as usual) and find left over energy drinks in the AP Chemistry room.
The one Mike drinks is safe but Nick's has been exposed to chemical waste.
He goes wakes up the next morning finding himself to be more muscular and fit.
His reflexes are enhanced and he has a newly discovered sense of confidence.
One day Mike and Nick ditch class again and go snooping around school only to discover a secret plan to take over the school and assassinate the principal by the sinister A.V.T.N.H.S. club (Aspiring Villain and Thug National Honor Society).
Nick reveals his powers to Mike and they devise a plan to stop the A.V.T.N.H.S. president, Alfonso Clemens, a straight A student, teacher's pet, and overall douche.
They don't let the police or any teachers know because they are incompetent and nobody would believe in the existence of an evil genius attack.
The two characters fight off and defeat the A.V.T.N.H.S. and save the school. The movie ends with Nick and Mike walking off into the sunset after school and drinking energy drinks.
 
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Moonchild said:
Seems like too many characters for a short script. In the premise we do not get a sense of the why of the characters and what they want to achieve. why would these characters be going thru all this trial and tribulation for this gold, and like a previous member said, especially a dr. What is the main obstacle these ppl. have to go thru to achieve their goal? I am actually more curious about how the young man came to have have gold in his stomach. Good luck. But like a few ppl. said I wouldn't pitch this without a lot more work.
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I'm sorry I don't think you read the other posts. The whole concept and idea totally changed. It's going to be set in a hotel, only one character trying to get the gold for herself while the manager tries to give it to its rightful heir. There's no gold this time but actual money left from a millionaire who died of a heart attack in his room and the briefcase the money is keeps getting passed from one person to the next in different ways, each not knowing there is money in there except the maid and the manager.
 
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There is a lot of room for improvement in your dialogue.

Your characters are talking very much in a straight, logical line A-B-C-D; but people usually talk in emotions (maybe a bit less the case in a professional, work-dedicated environment, but still).

The surgeons don't feel like surgeons, they feel just like anybody off the street. My mind doesn't really picture these people talking like that in that situation. Surgeries are a delicate matter, so there are certain routines in speech and acting, but I don't see any of that portrayed here. You are not putting us inside of the "real" atmosphere of an operating room.

Finally, all of the characters sound alike. Try to bring out the personalities of your characters, the way they speak, what pulls their strings, what side of their personality comes through in a particular moment. Thinking about characterization and taking note of the main characters (say, one or two pages each for a short) beforehand really pays off. Get a feeling for your characters!

Anyways, live and learn! :)

This is just what I noticed on first glance, I only read the first two pages, so can't comment on plot and idea. Also, I haven't read the whole thread here.
 
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