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Old 06-17-2017, 09:46 PM   #1
Blondike
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Just wrote my first script, would love some feedback on sci fi ballet short?

Here's the logline.

**Tormented ballerina-turned-thief and her bungling, criminal accomplice are hired by a secret theft agency to steal her former ballet company's prized Nutcracker costume on opening night.**

Genre: Thriller / Sci- Fi

aa
This is technically in between 2nd and 3 draft but I would really appreciate very honest feedback.

Last edited by Blondike; 07-01-2017 at 05:15 PM.
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Old 06-19-2017, 12:36 AM   #2
buscando
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INT. BACK ROOOMS OF THE ROYAL COVEN THEATRE- DAY

BEGIN DOCUMENTARY

Its 2017. Before us, a distinguished matriarch in all white, concern behind her weathered but otherwise happy smile. She stands in one of the BACKS ROOMS AT THE ROYAL COVEN THEATRE. A title introduces her as CAROLINE - head mistress of the esotrine ballet school.

Were watching a faded documentary. A title fades in, introducing the woman as Caroline - head mistress of the Esotrine ballet school.

------------------------------------
-"INT. BACK ROOOMS" & "BACKS ROOMS" spelling
-From INT. to the end of the 2nd paragraph it seems like you can condense a lot of the stuff because you're mentioning many things twice.

I don't know if a 2nd draft should be completely perfect, but if the errors are right at the beginning it kinda lowers my interest to keep going.
I guess it's no problem if you're the director. But if you're not, you may want to streamline & make it as easy as possible to read for people who don't have a lot of time or patience.
But maybe I'm just too obsessive
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