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588 (First Draft)

588 (First Draft) FEEDBACK PLEASE!!

So it's been almost a year since I last posted on here. Since then I've written a couple short script. Directed a couple music videos and short films.

So finished a new script. This one is loosely based on the life of an artist client who wants to shoot a short film for his new project.

I've attached the first draft of the short. All feedback is appreciated.

588 (First Draft) by Dre Manning

Thnx

Dre Manning
 
Last edited:
Hi Dre,

Right off the bat I see this ...

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

RASHID (18) dribbles around the basketball court. Showing off his fancy moves to the TEENAGE GIRLS spectating. They giggle and laugh as he drives to the basket. He points at them.

RASHID (O.S.)
What's up ladies? You like that.



First, why are your slugs highlighted in yellow?

Second, is this a school court, inner city, open park? I Have no idea where this is taking place, so I think you need some kind of establishing shot, or a quick mention of the surroundings, or condition of the court. A basketball court can be anywhere (on the beach in Venice, California).

How many Teen Girls are there? 3? 10?

You say ...

He points at them.

... then say he's (OS)

If that's true, how did we see him pointing at the Teen Girls?

Then this ...

His OPPONENTS frustrated eye each other and nod in silent agreement.

What Opponents? There was no mention of them while Rashid was 'dribbling around the court'.


Is 'b' a name, or short for bitch?



This ...

INT. SNEAKER STORE - DAY - FLASHBACK

Rashid walks around the SNEAKER STORE eyeing different pairs of kicks. Rah flirts with the cashier, who's trying to stay focused on her job but can't help smiling. The CLERK hands Rashid a box.

CLERK
Size ten and a half right?


You have SNEAKER STORE in the slug, so no need to repeat it in the text block. You introduce a cashier in lower case, then intro a clerk in upper case.

Also, since your peripheral characters are named CASHIER and CLERK, there is no need to use THE before their names. You don't say The Rashid, so don't use The Clerk.

This should read along these lines ...

INT. SNEAKER STORE - DAY - FLASHBACK

Rashid eyes different pairs of kicks. Rah flirts with CASHIER (age, looks) who struggles to stay focused, but can't help smiling. CLERK (age, looks) hands Rashid a box.

CLERK
Size ten and a half right?



I think you need to go through and clean this up. A good story can get lost in these kinds of details.

Alex
 
Hey Alex

The slug lines are highlighted in yellow for my own personal preference. I wanted to quickly be able to see where I was while writing being that at times I had 2 slug lines on one page.

I agree with you there is definitely a lot of cleaning up of the script


Is 'b' a name, or short for bitch?

Yeah this is a pretty common NYC slang term.



EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

RASHID (18) dribbles around the basketball court. Showing off his fancy moves to the TEENAGE GIRLS spectating. They giggle and laugh as he drives to the basket. He points at them.

RASHID (O.S.)
What's up ladies? You like that.


First, why are your slugs highlighted in yellow?

Second, is this a school court, inner city, open park? I Have no idea where this is taking place, so I think you need some kind of establishing shot, or a quick mention of the surroundings, or condition of the court. A basketball court can be anywhere (on the beach in Venice, California).

How many Teen Girls are there? 3? 10?

You say ...

He points at them.

... then say he's (OS)

If that's true, how did we see him pointing at the Teen Girls?

Then this ...

His OPPONENTS frustrated eye each other and nod in silent agreement.

What Opponents? There was no mention of them while Rashid was 'dribbling around the court'.

Yeah now that you point this out...

Thank you for all of your feedback. I still a have to put this through revisions so now I'll be combing through this entire script.

Dre Manning
 
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