"Gash" - Constructive Critiques Wanted

Seems like a fun idea for a horror-comedy short to me!

Seems like a loooong expository v/o or read-through at the end, for the gag.

I like it - it is a lot of set up, but I think if you've got the right actresses it could be pretty entertaining throughout. The ending feels a little flat/abrupt to me though... needs something, not sure what though. I think I'd have them all end up back somewhat like they were at the beginning, so that when Susanna arrives she sort of assumes they're all still passed out.

I agree with both Steve and IDOM's comments. I like the concept but it feels a bit lacking in execution. Reflecting on the script and their comments helped me kind of formulate in my mind what holds it back.

We (the audience) are trying to solve the mystery along with the girls. Unfortunately, you have too much up front dialogue that when you get to the weapons, that's behind us.

I'd restructure the script's plot to pace the reveal to the episode. I might also raise the stakes by having more inclusion of Susana. Here would be my suggestion:


I think it would make a cool horror. Hoping your shoot goes well.

FantasySciFi said:

I'd restructure the script's plot to pace the reveal to the episode. I might also raise the stakes by having more inclusion of Susana. Here would be my suggestion:

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I disagree about getting rid of the antagonistic dialogue. To me that's what makes the long set-up interesting, especially if you've got actresses who can play the characters well. The original feels like a dark comedy, this new structure just seems way too straightforward as a linear horror, which makes it much less interesting to me at least.

Ah, I remember this ol' idea...

I like where you're going with this- and I like the boxes conceit, but I think that it needs a fair bit of work. To me, this is reading like a first draft (no bad thing) but which you definitely need to develop more.

I think FantasySciFi offers some really good advice, but, for what it's worth, here are a few extra thoughts from me:

- Four women alone in the forest, who eventually start killing one another is a decent set-up. The reason why, in my original concept, I had them as Victoria's Secret angels (thanks for keeping the names!) was to heighten the ridiculousness of the scenario. 'Battle Royale with supermodels' is a pretty easy sell, but it also immediately sets the think up as having a satirical core. I wonder whether the set-up might be improved if you made them all lingerie models (best friends still). Opening shot- four lingerie models wake up in the woods. Final shot- one lingerie model stands, covered in blood, amidst the carnage. Ramps up the concept a bit, in my opinion.

- I like the mechanism for finding the weapons; it's cute and effective. I think you need to get to the weapons quicker, and then present some of that antagonistic dialogue once they have the weapons in their hands. The machete to the chest seems a little convenient at the moment- things escalate too quickly, even in such an implausible scenario. Just shifting the order around a little bit will make a significant difference to how that moment works.

- I feel like the ending isn't quite strong enough. It's a fun punchline, but as the folks here have already mentioned, it's requiring quite a lot of exposition to explain. And, to be honest, if we've just watched a brutal four way female fight then we need a strong punchline to match that. I don't have a better idea immediately to hand, but I sort of think that if you can explain the twist visually, rather than through the narration, then the impact will be bigger. I sort of feel like you could have: Miranda finds bloody mary kit – she looks surprised – she looks in one of the boxes – sees note 'A machete, to help you hack through the forest' – looks confused – hears noise and turns round – sees horrified Susanna wearing hen party gear. That's not better, but you get what I mean about it requiring less exposition.

I hope that helps!

Hey, thanks for the input, everybody! It's definitely very helpful.

I agree -- the voice-over is WAY too long, and too expositiony. I'm glad y'all pointed that out; I should find a way to do it visually (or at least mostly visually), and much faster.

As for the banter at the beginning, I might actually add more (just a little bit), in the form of Apatowsian improv (exchanging jokey insults).

This is definitely intended as a comedy, not going for much in the way of horror.

I'm actually a little worried about this coming off as misogynistic. I think the fact that only one of the five ladies actually goes crazy and attacks is enough for me to be able to get away with this, but I am at least a little bit considering making it an all-dude cast, or perhaps a mix of both genders.

Nick, I like the satirical intent of your original idea, but I'm worried that the satire might be lost on too many viewers, and they'd take it as just plain-ol' exploitation. People are dumb, and I find that satire is something that so very few really get.

I definitely like the surprise of the thrown machete, but I feel like you guys are suggesting more of a build-up and I think I agree with that. Perhaps it's a little too sudden, and Fantasy, I like your idea of them mentioning a creepy hitchhiker (except I'm gonna replace creepy hitchhiker with creepy dude at bar).

By the way, this has nothing to do with the screenplay, but I'm trying to figure out how to show the machete landing square in chest, on camera. As of now, I plan on just using sound, but I'd really like to figure out a way to do it and make it look real! Maybe a reverse-motion shot?

Thanks again!

I'm actually a little worried about this coming off as misogynistic. I think the fact that only one of the five ladies actually goes crazy and attacks is enough for me to be able to get away with this, but I am at least a little bit considering making it an all-dude cast, or perhaps a mix of both genders.

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I think mixed genders is the way to go.
Also, to me it reads like a guy trying to write female dialogue....
(Not that I'd do any better trying to write dialogue for a bunch of guys)

I think that, if you mix the genders, you dilute the concept to the point where it's just a bunch of people in the woods hacking each other to death. Twist ending? Sure, but doesn't every film have one of them?

My recommendation is that you push things further. If you're worried about the exploitative route of making them lingerie models- why not make them a team of male strippers? Have them wake up in the forest, still oiled up and wearing suspenders. Just a suggestion- but I really think you should try and work with the group dynamic and make it interesting that way....

A cheerleader squad---a football team---the cast of The View---World of Warcraft convention attendees---battle reenactment society

mlesemann said:

Also, to me it reads like a guy trying to write female dialogue....
(Not that I'd do any better trying to write dialogue for a bunch of guys)

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It kind of rang that way for me too. But that's something you can edit and polish, if you happen to agree.

The idea that they're lingerie models is a hoot!

ADRIANA

Oh mah gawwwwd, is this where the shoot is?
This betterrrr not be where we're shoot-iiiing!

And if you need to have a creepy guy, well, maybe not the photographer, but maybe an assistant or crew who's supposed to be minding them, getting them to the shoot, or something.

And, Cracker, for someone who's such a big fan of Tarantino, you're awfully sensitive about being exploitative. =)