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FEEDBACK REQUEST - "Starland Motel" Black Dramedy/Crime - first 7 pages.

J

JonasGruber

Hello,

I would appreciate it if you could give me some feedback on the first pages of my screenplay.

LOGLINE: 2 unlucky gangsters win the lottery, but their ticket is stolen by an unknowing stranger. Willing to do anything to get their money back, they trace him to a lonely motel. Getting their money back proves to be much more complicated (and deadly) when the other inhabitants cross their path.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B4A_rnik1DsmTGxqWW5DY3FQczA

Thanks in advance.
 
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By the first page (that's all I have time for but I will read it when I get home (doctor's appointment!)) you tell us how Vinnie got his name but never show it to us and this is only to the reader, not the viewer. I don't know what happens later but perhaps you do show it to us later on and that'd be good. If not, write it in, no harm :)

I don't know why the characters have two names. Is it because the first name is their real name and second is their nicknames? When you're writing dialogue make sure to only capitalise in the action line what's going to be shown in the dialogue line. e.g. ...Albert Strazzie (VINNIE)... Not ...ALBERT STRAZZIE (VINNIE)... because you only use VINNIE for the dialogue. I hope that makes sense, if not let me know.

I'm curious as to what they're talking about and this is a good thing. Well done. I believed they robbed a bank if this that sort of film.

Good luck and I hopefully will have time to read the rest. I promise I'll try my best. Keep at it but remember those first pages are the most important in grabbing a reader, particularly a bored one and you did that with a bit of curiosity.
 
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alanmartinpower said:
By the first page (that's all I have time for but I will read it when I get home (doctor's appointment!)) you tell us how Vinnie got his name but never show it to us and this is only to the reader, not the viewer. I don't know what happens later but perhaps you do show it to us later on and that'd be good. If not, write it in, no harm :)

I don't know why the characters have two names. Is it because the first name is their real name and second is their nicknames? When you're writing dialogue make sure to only capitalise in the action line what's going to be shown in the dialogue line. e.g. ...Albert Strazzie (VINNIE)... Not ...ALBERT STRAZZIE (VINNIE)... because you only use VINNIE for the dialogue. I hope that makes sense, if not let me know.

I'm curious as to what they're talking about and this is a good thing. Well done. I believed they robbed a bank if this that sort of film.

Good luck and I hopefully will have time to read the rest. I promise I'll try my best. Keep at it but remember those first pages are the most important in grabbing a reader, particularly a bored one and you did that with a bit of curiosity.
Click to expand...

Yeah, thanks, man and yes those are nicknames, but the full names are important later in the script.
Thanks for the kind words, and for taking the time to look at it.
 
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JonasGruber said:
Yeah, thanks, man and yes those are nicknames, but the full names are important later in the script.
Thanks for the kind words, and for taking the time to look at it.
Click to expand...

If they become important later in the script, reveal it then. Make the reader feel like the audience.

For my taste, too much swearing in the dialogue. I get that they are gangsters, but tone it done a bit. Very little people cuss that often.
 
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