The idea is good, but...
In the first scene you establish the protagonist's conflict:he's got a problem speaking, hence not able to connect with the girls he likes. I wonder: Why didn't you show the girl and chose to go with a V.O.? It's interesting to see the reactions from both sides.
Then the guy's goal becomes overcoming his speech problem. Not unlike The King's speech. But look how brilliantly they've done it: through conflict and the character's revealed through the choices he makes when under pressure
I think the way your character tries to overcome his problem is a cliche. You didn't do enough work on relating to your protagonist enough so at least you, let alone me, have an empathy for him.
Then, there's this Girl. Ok, boy meets girl, but I didn't feel the action/reaction between them.The scene where she quickly looks at him and he slowly looks at her is... Well... You end up having a couple of pages which if you're silly enough to shoot, the editor will cut out anyway.
AT THE END: A More powerful ending for me is: he does finally overcome his speaking problem BUT THEN HE FINDS OUT SHE CAN'T HEAR HIM And please, think of a more interesting way for her to let him know she can't hear
Title: Give me a pen ))
Good luck!
