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Tell me how you like this concept.

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bensmerglia

Ok, this is the basic synopsis for a story I am going to begin screenwriting soon. As you'll see I pieced together some elements of Phone Booth and Dog Day Afternoon, as well as a lot of original ideas which will be more visible in the screenplay.

"The Final Thread" (Working Title)
Basic Synopsis

As a teenager, Randall Tollman suffered through the death of his mother and severe physical abuse by his father. Both shaped his condition as an adult...

Present day, Randall lives in an apartment with his wife. Once a week, he sees a psychiatrist after work about his mental imbalance.

One day, his morning starts off perfectly normal and he heads out to work. It is then we discover his wife is being unfaithful, as she calls her secret lover to spend the day at the apartment while Randall works. Halfway on his drive to work, Randall realizes he has left some very important paperwork at home and must return to get it.

Remember this: This secret lover has no idea she's married.

Randall walks in on his wife with her lover. He obviously becomes angry, but because of his mental fragility, he is on the brink of insanity. He uses his 9mm handgun to hold both hostage in what becomes an elevated police standoff, ultimately leading to his fate...

(I'll give you guys the ending: he tells his wife that all he ever wanted was for her to be happy, even in his mental state. He makes it look like he's about to kill the lover, but instead turns the gun on himself. Randall's entire family looks down on his ex-wife after he dies, and her lover leaves her because he couldn't understand why she was so cruel to take advantage of her mental husband.)

So basically, the end of the story is: her greed for passion ended up hurting every one around her, the family and the ex-lover despise her, and she ends up with no one, when all along she could have been happy with Randall.

Let me get your feedback, positive or negative. Thank you! :)
 
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locust tree said:
in response to the "normal guy driven to the edge of his sanity" idea, i'd like to suggest a movie that came out in 1993 (i think) called Falling Down. It wasn't an incredible movie, but it explores the concept of a normal dude who just totally loses it because of circumstances. The good twist is that by the end of the movie, the guy has gone on a total rampage and has a list of crimes 2 miles long to his name, but it's still never made clear whether he's right or wrong. i guess it becomes more clear when you watch the movie.
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I have to disagree. Having read the script and watched the film, Michael Douglas' character was hiding facts from his wife. I got the distinct impression that his character was SLOWLY losing it. Not losing it immediately. Not to mention the fact that his wife understood that he had always been wound a little too tight... She wasn't cheating on him.

Plus, I don't think his character was a normal guy. I think his character was someone trying to be normal but lacking the ability to be normal i.e., I don't think he did well with social interaction but he had apparently tried. I don't think his work at his job was up to snuff as it was with others in his field. We watch his character crumble every step of the way. The rug was NOT pulled out from under him.

Just my two cents...

filmy
 
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Well... whether he lost it all at once, or slowly, it's still a great movie. Afterall, how many of us haven't wanted to shoot up a fast food place for refusing to give us breakfast... Honestly his actions embody the normal persons true desires. Basically everything he does is something I have thought or would think of in that situation.
 
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Will Vincent said:
Well... whether he lost it all at once, or slowly, it's still a great movie. Afterall, how many of us haven't wanted to shoot up a fast food place for refusing to give us breakfast... Honestly his actions embody the normal persons true desires. Basically everything he does is something I have thought or would think of in that situation.
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I don't think we're debating whether Falling Down is a good movie or not. I liked it too. I was just pointing out that I didn't think it is that similar to the recommendation I made in my first post.

filmy
 
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Honestly...

It's cliche, somewhat predictable and it would seem to lose momentum once he kills himself. Seeing the wife afterwards would be drawing it out. NOW on a good point you can use this screenplay to show off your wit, description of events etc. It could be made into a short film and work but i don't think it could hold together for a whole feature length. But that's just my opinion. Keep it up though, never stop writing-unless you gotta work like i do to pay the bills and keep the babies fed. ;)
 
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Why not a dark comedy? Have the husband have a wreck with a huge RV. His wife and her lover inside. Then they could have a low speed chase all over town. The ones L.A. is infamous
for. He could then revist all the places that caused his instability.
 
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i love the plot though

i thought the idea was nice but as i was reading, i was really into it until i saw that the movie doesn't end with Randall killing himself. Maybe it's cliche of me, but because it starts off with Randall being the main character, it kind of seems that once he dies, his wife becomes it. I don't know, maybe i'm just a ditz but it kind of messed up the good flow of it for me. But overall, i think the whole idea of him holding the wife and husband hostage is awesome, thats very original. Something i would definately watch.
 
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that was a really good idea about making the guy and average person who just snaps after seeing his wife's infidelity. I think that would make the film a bit less predictable as far as realizing that the guy more than likely would kill himself as opposed to the wife and her lover.
 
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This is a little after the original posting, but hopefully can still be of some use. I like the story, however like it has been said a thousand times, be careful of the cliche's. However, I was not a big fan of the opening sequence with the kid on the bike. I personally like the idea of him being a mental case, I think it def. adds evil to the wife. An idea for the beginning, which can get a lot of explaining done, have it start in the shrinks office. He can explain the stuff from the past, and we can still see some of the things you planned via the voice/over. Then there wont be as much dwelling on the past, which has little relavence to the story. This way he can also talk about his wife a bit, and how much love he has for her, therefore leading even more into the insanity that clouds him as he discovers his wife, which he discovers comming home early on their anniversery to surprise her or something.
 
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It sounds like a good story. Instead of making it about the poice standoff as the main plot why not try doing it another way. you said that.

"Randall's entire family looks down on his ex-wife after he dies, and her lover leaves her because he couldn't understand why she was so cruel to take advantage of her mental husband.)"

This would really set you apart from other ideas of this type. Make the first turning point (end of act 1) where he kills himself and explore the "aftermath" as your main story thread. That would make for a truely unique story and have a more powerful moral. You could use act 2 for unraveling the relationship with the boyfriend and have him leaving her as your 2nd turning point. Then end with a bang.......maybe she moves away to another city due to pressures, changes her name and finally meets someone else......maybe the new guy she meets is great and she worships him but then on her way to work one day she has to stop and turn the car around.......wide boom shot down from the trees looking into 2nd floor bedroom window, the new boyfriend has a lover....her car pulls into lower frame.....fade to black.


Hahahahaha.....now that's poetic justice baby.


I really like your idea, but think you should make the husband killing himself the START not the end of this great tale...just my 2 cents.
 
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This may be a bit of a cliche, so take it or leave it, it could be good if done well. Start with the police stand-off (action straight away) then you could tell the rest of the story through flash backs, have him narrate iit with flash backs, or (tho possibly VERY cheap) have his life (the rest of the film) flash before his eyes just before he shoots himself. What do u think?
 
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