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Need feedback to my short film idea (detailed synopsis)

Here are the logline, the premise and the detailed synopsis for a short film idea (10-12 min).

Any constructive critique or detailed feedback is appreciated. Before reading the synopsis, please read the logline and the premise, and tell me if it's well constructed and tells what the story is about. You know, I need to tell people what the idea is in less words. If not, suggest how to better summarize the story. And of course, give feedback to the idea itself.

Logline
Code:
A young couple of guitarists compete each other to be the first to recruit a drummer and a 
vocalist to a new band, in order to enter the band as the guitarist. They neglect their high 
school friend, who works as a janitor and asks them to recruit him as a drummer or a 
vocalist, but eventually realize that the janitor is not what he seems.

Premise
Code:
A young couple of guitarists, which compete each other all the time, arrive to meet a rock 
music producer to enter a new band as guitarists, after an online audition. They meet 
their high school friend, a loser who works as a janitor but dreams to become a drummer 
or a vocalist. They find out that the producer needs only one of them – the first who 
recruits a vocalist and a drummer into the band. They compete each other in their 
searching journey, ignoring and neglecting the janitor time after time. Eventually they 
realize that the janitor is not what he seems.

Synopsis
Code:
Yair and Meital, a young couple of guitarists of 30, enter a record label company building, 
arguing about who is going to play guitar solos, and who will play the chords. From their 
conversation we learn, that the producer of that company named Jeffry has invited them 
after an online audition, allowing them to choose who will play what. Their debate gets 
interrupted by Yogev, a young, nerdish type employee of 27, who invites them into the 
guest hall.

As the couple enters the hall and sit down, Yogev offers them coffee. Yair asks for black 
coffee, and Meital asks for Nescafe. Yogev goes away. They go on debating, when Tal, a 
janitor of 30 who washes the floor, approaches them and asks them to raise their feet. 
When they do, his mop falls down. When he bends to pick it up, they look at his face 
and recognize each other. They and Tal know each other from high school. 

Tal was always the loser, and Yair and Meital were always mocking him that he won’t 
achieve nothing. Yet Tal always dreamed to be a drummer or a vocalist in a rock band. 
Yair and Meital say they have come to join a new band as guitarists. Tal begs them to 
talk to Jeffry about him as the new drummer or vocalist, because he himself is afraid 
to do that. They gently refuse him, saying that musical career is not for him. Yair is 
less tolerant, so Meital calms him down, saying he should show compassion.

Yogev returns with the coffee, but both are black, when Meital wanted Nescafe. She 
hints Yair to say something (well, he’s the man), but Yair doesn’t understand her hints. 
Leaving the guest hall, Yogev gets a phone call. Yair and Meital hear him saying, - “Yes, 
both are here. Only one you need? Who I’m sending home?”. Yogev leaves the hall, 
Meital and Yair follow him. 

They don’t find Yogev, but they find an office with a sign that says “Producer”. They 
enter it and see Dana, a fat woman of 35, eats a hamburger. Behind her is the door with 
the sign “Jeffry”. She replies them angrily, that Jeffry isn’t here, and asks, whether they 
have decided who’s going to be the guitarist, as only one is needed. Meital hints Yair to 
say something about it, and Yair complains about the coffee, that both were black. Meital 
rolls her eyes, and brings up her memories of how she worked many years to become a 
guitarist. Yair brings up his own memories from high school, when he used to play in a 
rock band as a guitarist, but they disbanded.

Dana stops their complaints, saying that Jeffry has had a difficulty to choose, so he said 
he would hire the one that will be the first to recruit a drummer and a vocalist to the 
band. Within a few seconds of Yair and Meital glancing at each other, their competition 
starts.

Yair and Meital sit on the opposite sides of the guest hall, making calls to people who offer 
themselves as drummers and vocalists to rock bands on the internet. Since both call to 
the same people, representing the same company, the people find it strange and refuse. 
Meanwhile, Tal, the janitor, cleans around, hoping that one of them will notice him.

Meital finally finds a high school student named David, who wants to be a drummer. He 
says he’s at school, so Meital promises to pick him up. Yair, frustrated, dials the number 
of Sivan, the vocalist from the high school band he was in. No answer. He remembers 
where she lived back then. He approaches his car outside, but finds out he forgot the key. 
When he returns, there are no keys and no Meital. He runs outside and sees Meital driving 
off. 

Yair sees Tal cleaning outside, singing something happy to the mop as if to a mic. Tal 
approaches to speak to him, but Yair says, - “Not now!”. Tal gets upset, turns away, and 
goes on singing, but this time something sad. Yair stares at him for a few seconds, but 
then smiles with neglect and catches a taxi.

When Meital arrives to the school where David studies, but finds out that someone has 
already ordered him a taxi, so the boy just got inside and left. She is mad at Yair, but 
knows she’ll see both in the record company.

Yair arrives at Sivan’s house, and finds out she has been picked up by someone. He return 
to the record company.

When Meital returns, she finds no one besides Tal, who drums on a table while cleaning it, 
listening to music from earphones. She stares at him, Tal looks back. When he removes 
the earphones and tries to speak to her, she smiles, turns her back to him and walks away. 
Still, we see a regret on her face.

Then Yair comes, but not with David. She blames him for stealing her recruitment, and he 
blames her for stealing Sivan. Both have no idea what the other is talking about, but keep 
the debate until they see Yogev with a cup of coffee, talking on the phone. “Yes, Jeff, no 
sugar, as always”, - he says, which exposes the fact the Jeffry IS here. When he spots Yair 
and Meital, he drops the coffee and runs away. Yair and Meital forget about the debate and 
follow him to the “Producer” labeled office.

On their way they confront Tal, who openly asks them to recruit him as a vocalist or a 
drummer. Yair means to say something, but suddenly Meital bursts in rage, tells Tal to fuck 
off, saying she wouldn’t recruit a loser like him, even if he was the last man on Earth. Tal 
lowers his glance, broken, humiliated. He turns around and walks away, hardly cleaning the 
floor. Yair looks at him with regret, makes a step towards him, but then Meital shouts, - 
“Are you coming or what?!”. Yair follows her as a puppy.

They enter the “Producer” office, surprising Dana, who drops her hamburger, and Yogev. 
Meital pushes Dana aside. Yogev stands between the couple and the door which says “Jeffry”. 
Their furious glances scare him, so he moves aside himself. Yair and Meital enter. Yogev
shouts, - “I fought till the end!”…

Upon entering Jeffry’s office they see Tal with the mop and Sivan. They ask where Jeffry is. 
Tal throws away the mop and looks straight at them, as the real producer. Both Mietal and 
Yair are shocked. “What have you done to Jeffry?!”, - Yair asks. Everybody roll their eyes. 
His face changes as if he understands that Tal and Jeffry is the same person, but then he 
accuses Tal of trying to take control of Jeffry’s business. Now Tal himself rolls his eyes 
and explains that he is Jeffry.

Tal/Jeffry explains that all of this was a test, and that Sivan, Yogev and Dana were a part 
of this. He wanted to find out, whether Yair and Meital have grown up and would stop 
mocking him as they did in high school, but apparently he was wrong. He asks them, 
whether they think they deserve that he hires them as guitarists. Both are in complete 
disdain and regrets. Meital starts crying, begging for forgiveness. Yair goes mad, saying 
that personal issues shouldn’t go over business. 

Tal/Jeffry knows he must teach them a lesson, but seems to feel sorry for them. He doesn’t 
like what he’s doing. He and Sivan try to calm Meital, but in vain. Finally, he decides to 
take them to the band. He says he forgives, but not forgets, and hires them because this 
way they will forever depend on the one they used to mock and neglect. The couple calms 
down, Yair and Tal shakes hands. Tal also mentions he still needs a drummer, when 
suddenly David, the high school teenager enters the office and says he was called there as 
an option for a drummer. Tal/Jeffry smiles.

A few days later, Yair, Meital, Sivan and David do a rehearsal in a studio. The track runs, 
David starts drumming. But nor Yair neither Meital start the guitar chords. They return to 
their original argument – who plays guitar solo and who plays chords. Both want to play the 
solo. Hearing their debate, Tal/Jeffry enters the studio, saying he has just fired his sound 
editor, and needs a new one. Yair and Meital look at each other for a few seconds, stumble at 
each other and run away to be the first to get Jeffry a new sound editor.

The End
 

Poorly worded. To me it seems dull.


It reads more like a diary.

I need to tell people what the idea is in less words.

That's one way to put it.

If not, suggest how to better summarize the story.

Summary: As far as I can tell, there are no stakes. It's bad when you read each paragraph and ask at the end of each paragraph, "Who Cares?" There needs to be a reason for the audience to care. If there is, you need to find a better way to communicate this.

I know it's just a short, but it doesn't mean you can throw all storytelling out the window.

It's a different story, but try a logline more like this:

To stop the demolition of the local community center to make way for yet another shopping mall, Matt, a young guitarist must form a band to raise much needed money. Little does Matt know, he recruits the developers spy to join his team. Will Matt succeed or will he not only lose the only place he belongs, but break his promise to the community.

Yes, it still needs work (it's way to wordy, too long and needs some more excitement), but as you see, it has stakes, a protagonist, a goal and barriers to success.

Good luck.
 
Each of the couple must hire a band faster than the other to get into the band himself. The fact that the other one might be the first, and get the place in the band instead of himself... why isn't it a stake?
 
The main idea of the story that the producer, who was mocked all his life by these 2 guitarists, now wants to test them if they will respect as a person, not because they depend on him, so he disguises as a janitor. The idea of the competition is to distract the audience from him, so that the guitarists will be able to choose, whether to give him respect or mock him. And only when both understand they were duped, he will reveal he's the producer. Do you think it's necessary they should have a stake to drive them forward, rather than NOT achieving their goal?
 
I thought a bit about a stake and came to a simple one:
Yair has a huge casino debt, and has a few month to return it. Finding an ordinary job won't be enough, so he needs something really high payed. And since playing guitar is the only thing he can do, he goes to a rock music producer to join a band.

Latifa (instead of Meital) is an Arab girl, who ran away from her family, dates Yair and tries to succeed as a rock guitarist "in the western world". If she fails, she will have to return to her family and marry to some old rich Arab and be his 17th wife.

So, Yair and Latifa have good reasons why to compete each other despite they are a couple, when they are told that the producer needs only 1 guitarist.

What do you think of that?
 
If they are a couple the odds are with them: if either one wins they have money.
Short term money for the casino is in the pocket...

Why would she have to marry some man if she fails to be a rock star?
 
If they are a couple the odds are with them: if either one wins they have money.
Short term money for the casino is in the pocket...

Couple doesn't mean married. :)
Or it does?
Well, that's my bad English :( I didn't mean married.

But you've brought a valid point. They probably need to be on an early stage of their relationship, because if they live together, they can just share the money.
Or should they not be in a relationship at all?
Still thank you, this is a very important part, and could be a plot hole.

Why would she have to marry some man if she fails to be a rock star?

This is a common Israeli situation.
There are Arab women who get away from their families to live alone somewhere in Israel. Their families do their best to demotivate them from this. These women do their best to prove their parents wrong. But it isn't easy out there, in the "western world". Debts, rent, high prices... Not everyone succeeds to make a career. So eventually many of them come back to their families, admit their parents were right, and fulfil the fate their parents have written for them. This is not a MUST HAPPEN scenario, but very common.

Or enough that she just has to return to her family, which she doesn't want to see again?

I'm trying to make it a comedy. Do you think this is a too much absurd motivation? Or that will do?
 
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How about this one:

A young couple of rockers has 4 hours to form a rock band to be hired by a famous producer, before they get evicted for not paying the rent.

That sounds better/more focused and fitting for a comedy. Even though it's a comedy, the ending sounds like it can easily be too over the top that they're so ready to search for this new person. Did they learn their lesson from how they treated the producer back in high school? Why are they eager to go on another search when the first search was kind of bogus. I suppose it's all in the execution, but that does stand out as odd to me.
 
That sounds better/more focused and fitting for a comedy. Even though it's a comedy, the ending sounds like it can easily be too over the top that they're so ready to search for this new person. Did they learn their lesson from how they treated the producer back in high school? Why are they eager to go on another search when the first search was kind of bogus. I suppose it's all in the execution, but that does stand out as odd to me.

Ah, no. I'm reconstructing the synopsis, because it doesn't fit the new idea. There won't be any new search
 
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I thought a bit about a stake and came to a simple one:
Yair has a huge casino debt, and has a few month to return it. Finding an ordinary job won't be enough, so he needs something really high payed. And since playing guitar is the only thing he can do, he goes to a rock music producer to join a band.

You're getting there. In this case, the stakes are implied. Owing money to a bank is different from owing money to a mob boss. Some audience members may still go, "Oh, he'll ruin his credit rating. Who cares?" You'll also need to establish the actual stakes. Broken legs, kidnapped family members etc. I think I get where you're going, but you need to tread a thin line between spelling it out to the audience and treating the audience like an idiot.

This is a common Israeli situation.

Is storytelling in Israel different from western storytelling? If so, our advice may be useless to you. If your intended market is the western world, you need to tell the story the way that your target market watches. Same goes if you're making it for your local market (if there are changes).

I'm trying to make it a comedy. Do you think this is a too much absurd motivation? Or that will do?

Absurdity can be hilarious and can also break the suspension of disbelief in story telling. Feel free to push the line, though don't step too far over it.

A young couple of rockers has 4 hours to form a rock band to be hired by a famous producer, before they get evicted for not paying the rent.

Now you're getting it. This sounds about 1000% better than your original logline.

You have a immediate goal, a time limit and a consequence that people can relate to. You're missing obstacles. You don't necessarily need them, but it can help make the audience care more. It has the potential for the landlord to be the antagonist (if you work that thread well). There is potential that the 4 hours limitation be problem for your story if its not explained well, but I'm sure you'll have that covered.

The Producer angle may be a little confusing to the audience to how it works. Perhaps instead of being hired by a producer, it might be worth thinking along the more immediate lines of an opportunity of circumstance. For example. An international band misses their international flight, so a venue (bar, concert hall etc) needs to find another band and is willing to pay more than usual. etc.

Either way that you go, I think you've got a stronger framework than before.
 
You have a immediate goal, a time limit and a consequence that people can relate to. You're missing obstacles. You don't necessarily need them, but it can help make the audience care more. It has the potential for the landlord to be the antagonist (if you work that thread well). There is potential that the 4 hours limitation be problem for your story if its not explained well, but I'm sure you'll have that covered.

The Producer angle may be a little confusing to the audience to how it works. Perhaps instead of being hired by a producer, it might be worth thinking along the more immediate lines of an opportunity of circumstance. For example. An international band misses their international flight, so a venue (bar, concert hall etc) needs to find another band and is willing to pay more than usual. etc.

Either way that you go, I think you've got a stronger framework than before.

The "bogus" background story is this:
The producer urgently needs a rock band for a concert, so he contacts the young couple, promising to hire them for years if they do well. But then, he gets an opportunity to sign with an already established rock band from abroad. There are 4 hours before the plane lands and the producer might approach them. If the young couple form a band before the other band arrives, the producer doesn't even need to approach the new band.

The reality from the Producer's angle, is that there is no other band, no time limit. He makes them a test.
 
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