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Could anyone give me feedback on this short script (14 pg) I plan on directing?

This is a short (14 page) script I wrote that I plan on directing, I'm looking for feedback mainly on the story, though any on formatting is much appreciated also.

LINK TO SCREENPLAY: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2zxhKHuRr6DMlMzZzFVUDZudms/view?usp=sharing

The story is based on the decisions we choose to make when we are young, and how these, ultimately shape the rest of our lives. A representation of becoming like the people you are around the most and how desire can be contagious, whether positive or negative. This is something I've always wanted to explore and being a young adult myself (I'm 18), I always wonder whether or not I could have been on a different path if I had made a different decision.

LOGLINE: A high school student wanting to claim his own independence takes a summer job as a Valet Parking Attendant. Only to find out that Valet Parking isn’t the only service provided.

I would very much appreciate any feedback.

Laura.
 
This is a short (14 page) script I wrote that I plan on directing, I'm looking for feedback mainly on the story, though any on formatting is much appreciated also.

LINK TO SCREENPLAY: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2zxhKHuRr6DMlMzZzFVUDZudms/view?usp=sharing

The story is based on the decisions we choose to make when we are young, and how these, ultimately shape the rest of our lives. A representation of becoming like the people you are around the most and how desire can be contagious, whether positive or negative. This is something I've always wanted to explore and being a young adult myself (I'm 18), I always wonder whether or not I could have been on a different path if I had made a different decision.

LOGLINE: A high school student wanting to claim his own independence takes a summer job as a Valet Parking Attendant. Only to find out that Valet Parking isn’t the only service provided.

I would very much appreciate any feedback.

Laura.


I liked it :) I enjoyed the downbeatness of it all - it felt very British. The theme - frustrated aspiration, carpe diem and all that - came through strongly too (unless I got it all wrong :))

I think you sometimes rely on dialogue a bit too much when a little silence would go further - for example, when Suzie explains why she won't take anything - I reckon that would work better leaving the audience to work out the second part of what she says. As a result, it reads a bit like a radio play at times.

There are a few problems with the phrasing (e.g. "premiership level football player" - noone would say that.. and what's one of those doing in Yorkshire anyway? :D), and a few formatting anomalies (such as CONT. when there's no actual break in the speech.)

But I like your style :) If you're ever looking to collaborate on a script with a fellow Brit, give me a shout :)
 
EXCREMENTAL IN THE EXTREME

Why?

It breaks the absolutely cast iron rule 101 Of Screenwriting... Have your PDF in a format that people can use.

All I get when I tried to look at it was the words "VALET A screenpaly by" NOTHING ELSE WILL DOWNLOAD nor is accessible. Whilst you can complain about my ancient software as much as you like, many stuios, agents etc are seriously cash-strapped. Furthermore, many love their "pet" computer that they have written or worked on for years, particularly if it is a MAC and WILL NOT upgrade.

So, send it to any of these folk and it will be FILE 13 instnatly when they cannot read nor open your PDF.
 
On Page 3, wouldn't a young Brit say "quid" instead of "pound?" I'm just wondering.
On Page 12, if Jay stole the watch, why would he put it in the stand for Suzie to be able to find it for the Man? wouldn't he just keep the watch to himself??


cheers :)
 
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