Sci Fi Screenplay Critiques.

NOTES:
2,3,4,5. You could probably scrap these first few scenes. They don't serve any purpose to the film. It would save time while filming.
8. Tyre should be tire.
11. The corridor is *dark?*
12. Stop them *from* finding you.
17. Alice is *standing*. (stood would be past and "is" is present tense)
23. pnly should be *only*
25. *causes* him to drop the glass


An interesting story! I got a little lost in the dream (Probably just me sucking at reading), but it made more sense later on. I liked the concept of the story and it had a good pace. The twist at the end was unexpected and very well revealed, but I feel like the story was left wide open. They found the other "machine" and killed him. But we still know very little about what they actually are, Emily is going somewhere (Emily says "He isn't coming"), but the story ends. The last line we hear Emily say is "What now", referring to a plan to escape or something.

One thing very early in the story that didn't quite work was when Emily was asked to follow the men. Emily and Ryan appear very tight judging by the strong grip in their hands, but Ryan doesn't question where Emily is going nor does he oppose to them taking her. Personally I wouldn't want several strangers taking my wife away just when I find out she apparentally isn't human.

You've got a really interesting topic, but I think that the ending left to many things wide open.

Josh

Requires a modern browser that needs a more advanced operating system than I have.

NOT READABLE.

(Have borrowed a friends computer to read it!)

- Why all the CUT TO transitions
- Page 3 - who - not capitalised
- I m not sure what I m digesting - sounds sort of stilted, a curious choice if you are trying not to make her sound alien.
- Get used outside of dialogue - poor diction
- TYRE IS CORRECTLY SPELT!!!
- Cant should be in dialogue but not outside it.
- They do a lot of nodding.


I sort of got lost in the story and the ending utterly baffled me.

The writing style is fabulous... apart from the fact that I had little clue what was happening!

Hi Guys, thanks for the quick replies.

@Engels Thanks for your points. I live in the uk so 'tyre' is how its done here
I'll try taking out the scenes at the start where they are in the kitchen and the car. Although they were in to give some context to them. Also, the hand shaking is subtle but its to show she is quite a nervous person. A worrier. Then later, once she knows, she is shown as brave and not nervy.

Thanks for the pick upon the typos. Big problem of mine. I was checking it late on. I agree its left too open. It does need a definite end. Maybe if I flash up 'The End?' (I'm joking)

I do also agree that Ryan needs to put up a little more of a fight when they lead Emily off. Will work on that. I need to get the dream sequence tighter as well, to really let the viewer in to what has happened and where Emily is from. Not too on the nose though.

@Editor I thought I'd cracked it with RTF, so thanks for viewing on another computer. with regards to 'cut to.' every script and script writing book has this as a standard way of moving from scene to scene. Am I mistaken?

They do a lot of nodding! I chuckled when I read through it. I could do a super cut later. Will think of other ways to signal agreement.

If I get the dream sequence I think that will help with getting the ending.

Thanks again to both of you for taking the time to read it.

If anyone else fancies a read go for it! Will post another draft soon.

Cheers

CUT TO is implied by scene changes. It's not needed in spec scripts. However, the worst problem is all the grammar issues.

There is no "are sat". "Sit" is an intransitive verb that you can't make passive. People sit or lie. You set or lay things. People sat or have sat. Things are set. To say "are sat" is like saying "It is snowed". Misuse of sit/set and lie/lay will really set off some readers. And on page 5 you write "There is one man stood by the car." There are also typos and I'm not speaking of tyre but "insision" for "incision", "ingores" for "ignores", etc. You do like to use the passive "Emily is knelt ..." and the present progressive "Emily is typing ..." when simple present works best ("Emily kneels ...", "Emily types ..."). English speakers with Irish roots tend to heavily use these kind of constructions.

Aargh! You're killing me: "She is now sat in the chair where her double was. Lanyon is sat in front of her holding up ink blots. Alice is stood to his right." Sorry, I stopped reading.

There are plot holes. Why did he call them in if he knew the others were coming if he truly had questions? Why would her husband not intercede? If she learns she's incapable of pregnancy (why they went to a fertility clinic) but otherwise healthy, why go for 'treatment' with strangers? It just strained my ability to sustain disbelief. Would she really trust either of them? Why not dart off?

So four people get out but we only see three--Dr. Lanyon, Alice and the tasered guy. Is the guy "stooding" outside the car the fourth? Why two cars for four people? How does one discreetly slash a rear tire?

The story, formatting, grammar are all flawed. Unless you're shooting this yourself, you don't number the scenes. The dialogue felt forced and bland. By page 9 it felt like an "Orphan Black" one-off.

To fix this, you need to seriously fix the grammar and spelling. Use CeltX to help with the formatting. No scene numbering or CUT TO's. I think you have an idea but it's not fully developed. There are early inconsistencies that snap me as reader and viewer out of the story.

I like Sci Fi and think you have a good story, you just need to work it out more and perhaps re-approach the development in the beginning. I'm really not interested in following Emily as a character. It's okay to minimize Ryan's role but not to the point it's unrealistic. Would you really let people take your healthy wife from a doctor's office if a "doctor" alleges she's not human? Wouldn't you feel it's a prank? Wouldn't she resist? You're writing a plot but you're not putting yourself in the shoes of your characters. That's where you need to be to write this convincingly. Good luck.

Nicely played. I am indeed from Irish stock. Good notes. Will take them on board. Some had been addressed earlier. Cheers very much.

One question: So when I go say from kitchen to living room, just change the scene heading and when we go somewhere else, then use cut to?

Ps. Celtx was the program I used.

I agree completely about the grammar - it was making my inner editor (not my inner Editor... that would be horrible) cringe repeatedly.

I think the problem with the story is that you have a setup (the fertility clinic) and a twist, but no real idea of how to get from one to the other in a way that feels substantial. By the time the twist came around (yeah, I sat through the passive/progressive torture ) my only reaction was "meh". I had no reason to care about any of the characters because I knew so little about them. If you were to say this is episode one of a series, then I'd be on board a little more, perhaps, but as a standalone it feels like a setup, lots of spinning wheels, and then a twist (the twist was nicely done though, and nicely breadcrumbed earlier on). But, for example, there is a whole philosophical debate on how the husband would react to the news that his wife isn't human - you didn't even seem to consider it. The reaction of Ryan to Emily's return didn't feel real at all.

It is very Orphan Black, and also a bit Black Mirror-y (if you ever watch that).

As a pointless aside, there seems to be a tendency among male English writers to call strong, slightly mysterious female characters 'Alice'. I did it myself a few years ago, and it was only after I wrote it that I realised what a common feature it is Lewis Carroll has a lot to answer for

Whereabouts in Manchester? I used to live there

People keep mentioning Orphan Black. Will check it out. Love black mirror, thats the sort of vibe I wanted. My mind has been going between short/short web series so I totally agree it seems more like a setup.

Absolutely agree about the whole wife husband dynamic and didn't know about the Alice trend. Hopefully get a rewrite done of the weekend.

I live in Prestwich, North Manchester.

Cheers for the thoughts guys. Helped a lot.

I was teasing you a bit and didn't mean to insult. Like actors, writers need to watch for personal colloquialisms. Outside of dialogues, grammar is important.

I worked with one reader who would immediately pass on any script that had more than three grammar errors on the first page. Her rationale was that the writer was inattentive, lazy or both so the rest of the script would be equally bad. Too many errors usually do correlate with a poor script. I want to save you headaches in future drafts and scripts.

But seriously, on page 10 when Alice tells Emily all are dead except for one. Then Emily says "You don't know where he is?", it makes the ending kind of evident. Sperm counts and testosterone levels are pretty easy, same day procedures at a fertility clinic. His results should have tipped them off too. If Lanyon built them, it seems intuitive that he also built Ryan so why is the ending a surprise?

I found myself inundated with "If that's the case then why did ...?" questions. That's the internal gauge that says the plot has gaps. You have the shell of the story but the inner workings don't mesh cohesively. I'd prefer a less predictable, perhaps darker ending.

Make the lead up lines suggest she is the only one. Alice reunites Ryan with Emily in a safe location. Ryan apologizes that he can't love a robot. He shows the black box. Lonyan arrives, explains its purpose and turns it off. His asst takes Emily away in tears. At that point Lonyan tells him there's only one loose end to wrap up. He flips on the black box. It starts to beep. Confusion sweeps over Ryan. Lonyan lines up the shot and drops dead. Emily kills him. She smashes the box. Ryan (and viewer) is left with the question of whether he's a robot. What's he feeling towards her as this killing machine? And now that's she's pissed with him, what will she do? She might even mutter "No loose ends" and start towards him.

Lots of ways to go or end it there. If you decide to make a series, using a cliffhanger lets you to work through their feelings towards each other. And also, if his status is undetermined, it provides for some further exploration.

It just needs a bit more development in the beginning of Emily and Ryan. The dark water scene at the beginning could be a dream sequence, just tie it with waking up. Give some build up before jumping into the clinic. They can talk in the car. What are her hopes in being a mother? What are his of being a father? Do they want a boy or girl? Maybe a dream about a boy and girl twins that in fact hints that after the first viewing of the film that they are in fact robotic siblings. I like the imagery. I need to believe they're real and feel for them when that humanity is called into question.

It's promising. Look forward to the revisions. Cheers.

FantasySciFi said:

Sperm counts and testosterone levels are pretty easy, same day procedures at a fertility clinic. His results should have tipped them off too. If Lanyon built them, it seems intuitive that he also built Ryan so why is the ending a surprise?

Click to expand...

That's a bit harsh. It's a reasonable question in a short as opposed to a series where there's more time to unravel mysteries (although even in a short there are lots of potential explanations - maybe they have already been reproducing or self-replicating and even improving their verisimilitude in some unusual way to make them undetectable? Maybe there are more of them than the doctor realised? Life finds a way etc, even when it isn't actually life), but I think the fact that the doctor is suprised makes the ending a surprise by default, surely? There is no reason why the missing one has to have been Ryan - it could just as easily have been the one that 'built' Ryan, and thus a total surprise to all concerned.

Anyway, rambling now

Ha, don't worry. i definitely didn't take offence. These are all valid points, that I myself was thinking after I posted it up. I had time to think last night as I was up most of the night coughing. Plenty of reflection.

Hopefully get something posted by Saturday night.

Watch the skies... well, the forum.

I was going to give some backstory, but lets see if I can get it into the next draft without if being clunky. Hows about I give it till draft three, then start explaining myself if it is still unclear? Challenge!

I'll be stooding by the car

Cheers

maz said:

That's a bit harsh. It's a reasonable question in a short as opposed to a series where there's more time to unravel mysteries (although even in a short there are lots of potential explanations - maybe they have already been reproducing or self-replicating and even improving their verisimilitude in some unusual way to make them undetectable? Maybe there are more of them than the doctor realised? Life finds a way etc, even when it isn't actually life), but I think the fact that the doctor is suprised makes the ending a surprise by default, surely? There is no reason why the missing one has to have been Ryan - it could just as easily have been the one that 'built' Ryan, and thus a total surprise to all concerned.

Anyway, rambling now

Click to expand...

Well, I'll wait to see Paul's next installment. I was sloppy with my pronouns. By tipped them off, I meant the agency that was tipped off to Emily by her test results. Lonyan contacted Evans when alerted by the lab. It must be the same lab. How would this agency be aware of Emily if they're not tracking her whereabouts? Since his test results would be at the same lab associated with her results with the same agency (HIPAA be damned with secret organizations), wouldn't they also know about him, one way or another?

Her original doctor (Evans) may be surprised. But Lonyan is the doctor who tests her at the agency with the inkblots. He apparently knows she's artificial. So if he knows she's artificial and was involved in their creation, it seems like no surprise that he should know about the other creations. I can only judge the story on its standalone nature. That's just how my mind works. Agency has results for her, so it has it for him. Lonyan runs the agency, so he has to know. Lonyan built her, so he should know who the "he" she refers to is. It almost begs that it's Ryan. I would actually prefer it not be Ryan. So with the black box going off at the end, it was kind of a let down for me--too expected.

I'm all up for seeing this developed. That the results were not sent to Evans suggests Lonyan is hiding Ryan's nature. I think that can be played with either standalone or series. Eliminating Ryan--whether human or robot--seems a natural order of business to keep Emily's identity hidden. As a series, I think it has interesting potential to have Emily in a love triangle with Ryan (human) and Andros (robot). I can see all sorts of possibilities but will let that up to Paul to tease and lead us along.

FantasySciFi said:

Her original doctor (Evans) may be surprised. But Lonyan is the doctor who tests her at the agency with the inkblots. He apparently knows she's artificial. So if he knows she's artificial and was involved in their creation, it seems like no surprise that he should know about the other creations. I can only judge the story on its standalone nature. That's just how my mind works. Agency has results for her, so it has it for him. Lonyan runs the agency, so he has to know. Lonyan built her, so he should know who the "he" she refers to is. It almost begs that it's Ryan. I would actually prefer it not be Ryan. So with the black box going off at the end, it was kind of a let down for me--too expected.

Click to expand...

I agree that if the story is left as it is, it is a frustratingly loose end - but one which is very easy to retcon even if it were to remain standalone. If Lonyan's creation got out of his control (which it obviously did) and (hand-wavey at present) somehow reproduced/replicated/improved to the point that simple biological tests are no longer a good enough test to identify it, then of course Lonyan would be surprised to see it. If a plot development raises new questions, then a reader/viewer has to give those new questions the chance to be answered before raising the "he had to have known about him because he knew about her, and that's that" card. IMO

I am, of course, being extremely charitable here, and assuming that Paul does indeed have a grand plan for the plot

Whaddya know, Paul, you've got a mini writers' room going here

Foolish humans. They have fallen into my trap. You are so feb... Hey, you got me monologuing...

Who are actually Emily and Ryan?
Did Lanyon know from the beginning, that Ryan was a machine?

Ryan and Emily are too trustful to strangers. First the 4 men with Lanyon, then Alice, then Reese.
And Ryan is too quickly to deny Emily, knowing she's a machine. After all, she has been his wife!

I am unconvinced that "are at" is strictly bad English. As I remember, it is archaic outside ot the North of England.

I also found it to be rather "Orphan Black".

Hi Guys,

I made changes, but realised I had left a big plot hole in there.

False alarm!

Hey. I did get a chance to read some of the revision before you took it down. I really liked the approach and tone better in this second. It felt more believable. It's a balancing act. I don't think you need to stretch out the interaction quite so much, but you have the right dynamic now that makes their characters more real. Good work. Will wait to see the changes.

Not quick enough!

Yeah, That was going to be my next effort. There's a lot of back story and info to get across and it felt bloated. I wanted to build their relationship as I realised it was the more interesting part.

Here's the original link again. Seeing as one lucky soul got to see it I should let everyone else

https://onedrive.live.com/redir?resid=5E5C393D64576858!1930&authkey=!AA_-dSfiCatP2RA&ithint=file,pdf