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Feedback wanted on new script

What IS your story? You need to work that out first. As it stands it seems like you have a single sequence - a man lies to some police officers - but that isn't a story.

I want to tell of a story where a murder lies to police men and As he lies, I wanted the truth to be shown over the lies. This is a single sequence. Even if I wanted to I don't have the read pieces to make a 20 minute short or anything beyond that. 5-10minutes top is what I can do.
 
To me, the main problem is in four places. Three of them have already been covered: First, no camera angles or instructions. The script should never mention the camera. Second, the story is lacking. If you haven't already, I would suggest ready Blake Snyder's Save the Cat so you can learn about storytelling and pacing. Third, your formatting still needs work. I'm guessing you used Microsoft Word to write this? There's plenty of free screenwriting software out there, take advantage of it.

The one thing that I really didn't like about it was the dialogue. It felt super awkward and exposition-y.
It’s been six years…six fucking years. Two years since the
case went cold, Mike. Now they got us out here to finally interview some guy? I didn’t sign up for this shit.

James, you’ve only been on the force for a year, that’s why they’ve got me out here watching you.

The dialogue sounds like it was designed to give us information about the characters. Even though it is, you need to make a greater effort to cover it up. Try re-writing it to make the dialogue sound less fake.

It's been two years since this case went dead. So why are they sending us out to interview some nobody in the middle of nowhere?

Connor: You're still pretty new, James.
Mayfield: I've been on the force for almost a whole year now! Is that "new" to you?
Connor: It's new enough that they've still got me out here watching you.
 
To me, the main problem is in four places. Three of them have already been covered: First, no camera angles or instructions. The script should never mention the camera. Second, the story is lacking. If you haven't already, I would suggest ready Blake Snyder's Save the Cat so you can learn about storytelling and pacing. Third, your formatting still needs work. I'm guessing you used Microsoft Word to write this? There's plenty of free screenwriting software out there, take advantage of it.

The one thing that I really didn't like about it was the dialogue. It felt super awkward and exposition-y.




The dialogue sounds like it was designed to give us information about the characters. Even though it is, you need to make a greater effort to cover it up. Try re-writing it to make the dialogue sound less fake.

Thank you for your post, Dahwws. Finally some constructive criticism.
I have heard of the book but have not yet read it. I think I understand what you are saying Dahwws.
It's all too basic and generic information. I can really tell the difference in your examples compared to
what I had wrote. Thank you for this very helpful post.
 
Yes. I got the point of the script format after the first twenty times.
I appreciate it and I have been working on it ever since and making progress.
I wanted help with my story, that is why I made this tread.

ZACO – Formatting is hugely important in screenplay writing. Particularly to those who have to then read your work. With an incorrectly formatted script, the reader must put in a lot of effort just to make sense of what is going on. Why should they bother to put that effort in, if you can’t be bothered to put in the effort in to format it correctly? It's not particularly difficult; with a little effort, you could just fix it. If people can't read your script, or don't want to, due to them having to correct all your errors, they can't help you with your story.

Imagine if I asked for feedback on the opening of this novel:

Code:
onceuponatimetherewasapieceofwooditwasnotanexpensivepieceofwoodfarfromitjustacommonblockoffirewoodoneofthosethicksolidlogsthatareputonthefireinwintertomakecoldroomscozyandwarmidonotknowhowthisreallyhappenedyetthefactremainsthatonefinedaythispieceofwoodfounditselfintheshopofanoldcarpenterhisrealnamewasmastroantoniobuteveryonecalledhimmastrocherryforthetipofhisnosewassoroundandredandshinythatitlookedlikearipecherryassoonashesawthatpieceofwoodmastrocherrywasfilledwithjoyrubbinghishandstogetherhappilyhemumbledhalftohimselfthishascomeinthenickoftimeishalluseittomakethelegofatable

Don’t worry about the lack of punctuation; I’m only interested in your opinion of the story. Similar sort of thing.


Still, having said all that, I read your screenplay (which, in no way, was a pleasure (due to the formatting issues and the camera directions)). Here are some things for you to think about:


Your very first scene heading is: EXT. OFF-DUTY POLICE CAR – NIGHT. This establishes that we are outside the police car. That places a lot of emphasis on the police car. I think this would be better as EXT. EDWARDS HOUSE – NIGHT, as you have the scene flow from your establishing shot, to the characters in the car, to the characters exiting the car...

Is Mayfield’s speech about six years on the case, although he’s only been on the force for one, to be played for comic effect? If so, it doesn’t really come across that way. He sounds like an idiot. But this is confusing. Is this a comedy, or a straight drama/thriller? There don’t seem to be any more jokes.

I agree that Connor asking Mayfield why he became an officer is strange. Surely he’d have asked this question before?

When writing a screenplay, you should only ever write what the viewer will see on screen. You tell us, categorically, up front, that Edward is lying and that he killed Julia (and, at this point, I don’t know who Julia is). You should let the reader discover this as a viewer would.

Then, we get to your flashbacks: Firstly, they ought to be separated from the rest of the action lines with a header. Normally, you’d write this as a new scene, so:

FLASHBACK:

EXT. JULIA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Then add another scene header when we return to present day.

But, irrespective of that, I don’t like the flashbacks. They give the game up too easily. There’s no suspense there. Edward denies the murder, but then we see him committing it. There’s no build up, no tension. Perhaps you should hold back on the flashbacks until the officers begin to give up more details, seemingly triggering the flashback in Edward’s mind.

So, is that it? Is this meant as a short? It feels like a scene from a longer script. If that is it, there’s not much of a story there.

Fix your formatting. It’s the easiest thing for you to do. Read some screenplays. Remove all the camera directions. Just write the story as you see it in your mind. You’ll get much more helpful advice if you put that effort in. When you said you’d fixed your formatting, it seems that all you did was centralise the dialogue. That’s not fixing it. Sort it out.

Good luck.
 
ZACO – Formatting is hugely important in screenplay writing. Particularly to those who have to then read your work. With an incorrectly formatted script, the reader must put in a lot of effort just to make sense of what is going on. Why should they bother to put that effort in, if you can’t be bothered to put in the effort in to format it correctly? It's not particularly difficult; with a little effort, you could just fix it. If people can't read your script, or don't want to, due to them having to correct all your errors, they can't help you with your story.

Imagine if I asked for feedback on the opening of this novel:

Code:
onceuponatimetherewasapieceofwooditwasnotanexpensivepieceofwoodfarfromitjustacommonblockoffirewoodoneofthosethicksolidlogsthatareputonthefireinwintertomakecoldroomscozyandwarmidonotknowhowthisreallyhappenedyetthefactremainsthatonefinedaythispieceofwoodfounditselfintheshopofanoldcarpenterhisrealnamewasmastroantoniobuteveryonecalledhimmastrocherryforthetipofhisnosewassoroundandredandshinythatitlookedlikearipecherryassoonashesawthatpieceofwoodmastrocherrywasfilledwithjoyrubbinghishandstogetherhappilyhemumbledhalftohimselfthishascomeinthenickoftimeishalluseittomakethelegofatable

Don’t worry about the lack of punctuation; I’m only interested in your opinion of the story. Similar sort of thing.


Still, having said all that, I read your screenplay (which, in no way, was a pleasure (due to the formatting issues and the camera directions)). Here are some things for you to think about:


Your very first scene heading is: EXT. OFF-DUTY POLICE CAR – NIGHT. This establishes that we are outside the police car. That places a lot of emphasis on the police car. I think this would be better as EXT. EDWARDS HOUSE – NIGHT, as you have the scene flow from your establishing shot, to the characters in the car, to the characters exiting the car...

Is Mayfield’s speech about six years on the case, although he’s only been on the force for one, to be played for comic effect? If so, it doesn’t really come across that way. He sounds like an idiot. But this is confusing. Is this a comedy, or a straight drama/thriller? There don’t seem to be any more jokes.

I agree that Connor asking Mayfield why he became an officer is strange. Surely he’d have asked this question before?

When writing a screenplay, you should only ever write what the viewer will see on screen. You tell us, categorically, up front, that Edward is lying and that he killed Julia (and, at this point, I don’t know who Julia is). You should let the reader discover this as a viewer would.

Then, we get to your flashbacks: Firstly, they ought to be separated from the rest of the action lines with a header. Normally, you’d write this as a new scene, so:

FLASHBACK:

EXT. JULIA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Then add another scene header when we return to present day.

But, irrespective of that, I don’t like the flashbacks. They give the game up too easily. There’s no suspense there. Edward denies the murder, but then we see him committing it. There’s no build up, no tension. Perhaps you should hold back on the flashbacks until the officers begin to give up more details, seemingly triggering the flashback in Edward’s mind.

So, is that it? Is this meant as a short? It feels like a scene from a longer script. If that is it, there’s not much of a story there.

Fix your formatting. It’s the easiest thing for you to do. Read some screenplays. Remove all the camera directions. Just write the story as you see it in your mind. You’ll get much more helpful advice if you put that effort in. When you said you’d fixed your formatting, it seems that all you did was centralise the dialogue. That’s not fixing it. Sort it out.

Good luck.


I have been working on my format.

29qjsxu.jpg


It is improving and will continue as I finish it up. I am working on the flashbacks right now but I'm more focused on getting the story where it should be. I have taken out the jokes and all camera angles from the script because they do not belong there.

When I thought of this idea I was not thinking of it being a mystery or something like that. I wanted to do the flashbacks with the lies of what the suspect was saying. I thought visually that would end up being a nice short. I'm going to try and pull it over to more of the mystery or suspense story types but I still want to stay with my original idea. That being said, I am still tweaking the script and I will try to add some build up.

Thank you for your post, it was very helpful.
 
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You can follow various styles of outlining a story. To keep it simple when I teach, I follow Michael Hauge's breakdown which basically melds the three act structure and Snyder's into "six acts".

Logline (or Summary):
"A murderer lies to police men. As he lies, the truth is revealed."
Act 1a - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
Introduce cops (Connor & Mayfield) and murderer (Edward). Connor relates elements of the murder scene (flashback). Edward is ordinary looking and grabs his mail before heading into the house.
Act 1b - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
The cold case was opened due to new evidence. Edward invites them in but is sneezing due to allergies. Connor notices something in the house that could link Edward to Julia's murder.
Act 2a - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
Connor and Mayfield play good cop/bad cop to elicit information. Edward produces an alibi.
Act 2b - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
Connor notes a flaw. Edward slips and Mayfield presses. Edward wanders.
Act 3a - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
Connor closes the gap when Mayfield's temper flares and causes a fumble. Edward recovers. He sends them out saying unless they have a link, they need to leave. Connor drags Mayfield from the house.
Act 3b - Resolution and the Ever After
The police leave and Connor thanks Edward for his time. Edward turns back to the object and we see the full reveal. Edward gloats and then takes it back and burns it. (Possible end: Mayfield holds a tissue in a gloved hand in the squad car and winks at Connor.)

In a story, you want to develop some arc. Edward appears innocent, you need to develop his guilt. Mayfield seems inexperienced and hotheaded, but with the alternate ending, it's clear he planned the argument to get something with DNA for comparison. Connor is knowing but "cuffed" by following the rules. In this sequence you don't want to lay all the cards on the table. To keep interest, you need to reveal slowly. Give some basic breadcrumbs by having Connor describe aspects of the scene. Some of the things shown will not be mentioned. You need to lead off slowly and build. By Act 3a, it should be clear where it's all heading until something screws it up.

Where your script fails as there is nothing hidden, no development of suspense. Your dialogue is very on-the-nose. If you were to take each of those six acts and write them as one page, you'd have a six page script. It is not the only way to structure a film but can help you quickly organize your ideas in a way that tells a "story" rather just a "sequence of events". Overall, your idea isn't bad but it needs to be laid out carefully. The cat-n-mouse IS the story, not the murder which is slowly revealed through the flashbacks. But the way it's currently written, more description and thought is put into the murder sequences than the dialogue between the cops and Edward. My suggestion is that you totally ignore the murder and first develop the interrogation scene. Then based on that, you can pull out the elements you want to highlight in the crime scene and murder enactment. Of course in filming, you can do the murder enactment first. Then since the scene is set, bring in the investigation team for the crime scene. The interrogation with Edward can occur independently since it's a different location. It could be done in two days with careful planning but I suspect this will take 3-4 days to do well and will run 7-10 minutes based on the detail in your script.
 
You can follow various styles of outlining a story. To keep it simple when I teach, I follow Michael Hauge's breakdown which basically melds the three act structure and Snyder's into "six acts".

Logline (or Summary):
"A murderer lies to police men. As he lies, the truth is revealed."
Act 1a - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
Introduce cops (Connor & Mayfield) and murderer (Edward). Connor relates elements of the murder scene (flashback). Edward is ordinary looking and grabs his mail before heading into the house.
Act 1b - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
The cold case was opened due to new evidence. Edward invites them in but is sneezing due to allergies. Connor notices something in the house that could link Edward to Julia's murder.
Act 2a - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
Connor and Mayfield play good cop/bad cop to elicit information. Edward produces an alibi.
Act 2b - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
Connor notes a flaw. Edward slips and Mayfield presses. Edward wanders.
Act 3a - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
Connor closes the gap when Mayfield's temper flares and causes a fumble. Edward recovers. He sends them out saying unless they have a link, they need to leave. Connor drags Mayfield from the house.
Act 3b - Resolution and the Ever After
The police leave and Connor thanks Edward for his time. Edward turns back to the object and we see the full reveal. Edward gloats and then takes it back and burns it. (Possible end: Mayfield holds a tissue in a gloved hand in the squad car and winks at Connor.)

In a story, you want to develop some arc. Edward appears innocent, you need to develop his guilt. Mayfield seems inexperienced and hotheaded, but with the alternate ending, it's clear he planned the argument to get something with DNA for comparison. Connor is knowing but "cuffed" by following the rules. In this sequence you don't want to lay all the cards on the table. To keep interest, you need to reveal slowly. Give some basic breadcrumbs by having Connor describe aspects of the scene. Some of the things shown will not be mentioned. You need to lead off slowly and build. By Act 3a, it should be clear where it's all heading until something screws it up.

Where your script fails as there is nothing hidden, no development of suspense. Your dialogue is very on-the-nose. If you were to take each of those six acts and write them as one page, you'd have a six page script. It is not the only way to structure a film but can help you quickly organize your ideas in a way that tells a "story" rather just a "sequence of events". Overall, your idea isn't bad but it needs to be laid out carefully. The cat-n-mouse IS the story, not the murder which is slowly revealed through the flashbacks. But the way it's currently written, more description and thought is put into the murder sequences than the dialogue between the cops and Edward. My suggestion is that you totally ignore the murder and first develop the interrogation scene. Then based on that, you can pull out the elements you want to highlight in the crime scene and murder enactment. Of course in filming, you can do the murder enactment first. Then since the scene is set, bring in the investigation team for the crime scene. The interrogation with Edward can occur independently since it's a different location. It could be done in two days with careful planning but I suspect this will take 3-4 days to do well and will run 7-10 minutes based on the detail in your script.

Wow, thank you for your post. This is extremely helpful. I can take this screenplay to a whole new level. I will probably be posting a new corrected format of my screenplay sometime before the weekend for you guys to take a look at. And with all of your guys' helpful advice it will be so much better.
 
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