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A 2 page start plz looks

OK Ii had asked earlier how to write in slow motion so I started a quick script that I started today and decided to do it both in shooting script format and spec script. Just take a quick looks its like 3 pages long and tell me what you think. I'm not going to write it like that it was just to see your reaction to it. My script will be a regular, so much easier.

so yea check it out real quick and tell me what you think. its not real project but wanted to check it out.

Its about two brothers in England in the 18th century who are well known and feared highwaymen who roam the Oxfordshire area. Its short so they basically see a carriage surrounded by 8 soldier and attack it on horseback. I was going for a similar approach to Brotherhood of the WOLF thing. So check it out

http://pc.celtx.com/project/OiZyL1Q3J7MJ
 
I read it...

I don't think the dialogue is too bad... But as for some of the other elements...

1) Passive voice or passive sentence structure -- same thing. Pretty much considered weak writing. Fine for a first draft but if you were ever to try marketing something like this as a spec, you'd want to convert most, if not all passive voice to active voice.

2) In a spec, you really don't need EVENING. It's not a deal killer unless you're using it throughout the entire script. A simple DAY or NIGHT is sufficient and you don't even need to repeat DAY or NIGHT if the previous location's time of day is the same as the new location. Plus, you need to center that dash mark "-" between the last letter of the location and the first letter of the word DAY or NIGHT like this:

EXT. OXFORDSHIRE FOREST CLEARING - NIGHT

3) Placing Wide on: and Close on: the way you've done it is not how it's done. Normally, these are used as secondary headings and will include whatever you're shooting wide on or close on. Like this:

WIDE ON A HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE

bouncing along a dirt road.

Or you could write it:

WIDE ON: HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE

bouncing along a dirt road.

Or, you might want to learn how to write it with a slant toward directing the EYE so that when people in the business end up reading it, you give them the visual without directing.

Like this...

In the distance, a HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE bounces along a dirt road.

Sure, if you're shooting this yourself someday -- doubtful, since it's a period piece -- then I recommend getting rid of some of the bad habits as soon as possible because the more you learn how to write without these little problems that slow down the reading of a script -- make it hard to read -- the less work you're going to have to do later on during the rewrite.

Rather than use ANGLE ON, WIDE ON, or CLOSE ON, just use a secondary heading or secondary slug (same thing) to provide emphasis on a character, prop, or location within the master location.

Simple to do...

The men seem startled as

ONE SOLDIER

grips his rifle tight -- scans the far off woods.

--This method makes for much faster reading and keeps everything lean and mean which is what you want in a spec.

4) Weak action verbs. This is another bad habit to change NOW instead of having to go through and entire script and make changes because ultimately, you may end up missing a few. Weak action verbs don't provide the reader as nice a visual in their mind's eye as a strong action verb. I notice you keep using the word, "look" or "looks" instead of using a much better action verb that would easily PUNCH up the visual.

Why write "looks around" when you can write "scans" and create a better visual in my head?

Plus, write ENOUGH of your action that way and you're basically overwriting and exceeding the one page per minute of film rule when you end up with 5 to 10 extra pages of screenplay.

Other than that, I'd say you've got a decent handle on things... Definitely KEEP WRITING. Just try to change the things I noted above NOW so that you're only spending time rewriting parts of the screenplay that need rewriting INSTEAD of fixing little problems that don't even need to be there.

Good luck with it!

filmy
 
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