Hi, dear Ride The Pen!
I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your review is really interesting. First of all, I need maybe to tell you more about the plot. Nicolas, the main character, meets Stewart in the beginning of the script. Nicolas and Stewart were best friends back in high school, but because he betrays him or something like that, now they have not seen each other for several years. At least, I would say, this situation was tough for Nicolas to live. So, when he sees him again, he tries to act like he is indifferent, like he doesn't know him, neither does he.
Well, as you can expect it, it's pretty inevitable that our two guys will become closer, even if Nicolas tries to get rid of him. The reason : Stewart has a wide circle of acquaintances. We learn at the beginning that Joshua, Nicolas' best friend, and Stewart take tennis lessons in the same place. Moreover, Stewart is coming every day in the restaurant where Alice, Stewart's cousin, works. Alice was also close to Stewart in high school and she considers he is harassing her. So that's why, the two cousins compare it to an “innuendo”. They think Stewart has something in his mind and want to show them his superiority. By “hora”, Alice means “whore” (Candy). I thought it sounds a little bit like the word above-mentioned. Dean is Alice's husband. So, you weren't supposed to know his identity at this point.
What I try to do is to make the viewer feel uncertain at first. Well, Stewart seems a nice guy, he is nice with everyone even with Nicolas. He never criticizes him or says something mean. Why does Nicolas take it always wrong? Actually, there will be further a revelation in the second part. No, Stewart is not a psychopath, a serial killer or something like that. I thought that he has some troubles with some people and that Nicolas would be involved in a certain way. For example, Nicolas could be, despite himself, a witness to the kidnapping of Candy.
I just like when there is this Shakespearian inevitably. So, Nicolas has to team up with the last guy he likes on Earth. I hope this beat will feel natural. Of course, we will know more specifically about Stewart's betrayal. The story seems dark. I want it to be serious, but also funny. As you suggested, maybe a good idea would delete the third scene. Nicolas is supposed next to starting taking willingly tennis lessons. The father is supposed to play an important role in the next of the story. This the reason why I introduce him.
How can I make the third scene better and not useless? Find a conflict? And, I don't know how to emphasize the plotline and Nicolas's paranoia, makes it more dramatic. The story is more like of a psychological battle. It's difficult to put it in words.
You helped me a lot. Thank you again!
Hey, awesome to hear that this helped you!
The Nicholas/Stewart think works really well for me, I could feel that relationship while reading the first scene, even though I didn't know about it! Great!
For me, the first two scenes are pretty mcuh a comedy, maaaaaybe you can feel another (mystery?) element coming through a little bit. Just mentioning this, because it's important to keep the script balanced in all regards - can't start off with it being a comedy, and then halfway through it turns into a thriller! The audience would feel betrayed.
Innuendo/hora/Dean: This is indeed confusing and just throws the viewer off. His brain is more occupied with figuring out what this means than with following your story. So you either have to cut these out or you make them more understandable, that's very important and also not too hard to do. For example, just saying Dean's name and then not mentioning him anymore for 30 pages would be really confusing. Instead, you could drop a hint to who Dean
is and then let him appear again a couple of pages later (in dialogue or in person). For example, if Alice says "OMG, and Dean is
jealous too - never has he been that jealous since our honeymoon!" (I'm just writing anything here quickly), not only have you introduced Dean a bit and have made clear he is Alice's husband - but you have even just given a little glimpse of his personality, have "put him on the map" in the reader's mind, so to speak.
How you can make the third scene better: Write a better scene (obvious answer, I know...)! But the main question is: Do you really need that scene at all? What does it add? Does it add to plot, to tension, to character, is it really funny or interesting in other ways? If no and you don't find a way to make it that way, then just cut it out.
Like I mentioned in my first post, I think you might really have a plot problem - no "arches" in the plot. Which means, no questions are put up that give a feeling of positive tension to the audience (sure, you bring up some small questions - Dean - but in a confusing way). I see the plot like a flat map, with many little arches on that map, leading from a question (the audience wonders) to an answer. Meanwhile, there are put up many other questions/arches to never let the audience off the hook!
It's funny that my very first article on the blog I just launched is about exactly this: Plot! It says that instead of thinking of the plot as a sequence of actions, you should think of it as a sequence of
questions, raised to the audience! And as you spoke of Shakespeare (a second coincidence) - my post is about the techniques Shakespeare employs to create plot in "Macbeth". Check it out, I think this could really help you:
http://www.ridethepen.com/shakespeare-macbeth-plot/
As for the psychological battle, it comes through beautifully in the first scene! Maybe you need Stewart in order to let that side of Nicholas come out more (I don't know what happens in the later scenes, does that work?)? Or maybe you need another (additional) trigger to show the audience about Nicholas' paranoia? Maybe things start reminding him of Stewart, like he sees a pair of Nike sport shoes in a shop and flips out? Have fun with stuff like this!
Rock on!