Feedback for my script

From just skimming through it, the really big issue here is that you are writing everything in paragraphs, you don't want to do that at all. Read a couple of actual screenplays and notice that very seldomly do scripts have more than 4-5 lines of text in an action "clunk". Break it up into separate lines. Write the action as it happens not as if you're looking back at what happened. And one more thing, I strongly advise you stop using the phrases "can be heard" and such. Write in the moment, for example, Little Timmy hears a strange knocking on the door.


Good luck!

That's really helpful!! Thanks!!

Overall, I thought the story was good, though it could be enhanced by giving more emotional involvement. As it stands, the first three pages are basically the same. You need something to switch it up a bit.

Do work on the formatting. It's important, even if for your own shoot. As it stands, many of those paragraphs should be broken into separate action lines. This helps identify shots and will give you a better sense of pacing. This script is probably closer to ten formatted pages. For example with your first paragraph: "WILL is sound asleep. A loud knock can be heard coming from the front door. As the knock becomes louder, Will wakes up, startled. Confused at who could be knocking at such a late hour, Will wearily gets up, heads over to the living room window and notices a van parked outside his house. There is a short DELIVERY MAN standing at his front door. As Will stares, the delivery man shoots him a quick glance. Will heads over to the door, opening it slightly ajar." In a production script, this would more likely look like:
Also the line "Confused at who could be knocking at such a late hour" needs to reflect what the audience sees. Since you use a clock later, you need to decide how you'll show late hour. "Confused at who could be knocking" is implicit and a mental state comment. It's okay to tell the actor, he'll be confused but be careful about telling the reader what is going on inside the head rather than describing what the audience sees that portrays what's going on inside.

In your script, that first paragraph is 8 lines where in the 'exploded shot' version, it's 15 lines. As an AD, I would estimate that the shoot time based on the script space. Now I have to allow for seven shot sequences. This also would take up, let's say, 4/8ths of the page. I allow 3-5 hrs per page for set-up and shoot. So just that first paragraph with its seven shots will take about 2 hours to shoot if done professionally. Of course, it could be done as one continuous shot also, which would be the director's choice as a pan sequence with select intercuts.

Even at 12 lines, a lot of prep work--positioning, lighting, sound, focus--takes time. This latter breakdown allows a continuous shot of Will waking up, looking out then heading to the door with separate shots of the delivery man outside and shot of the door as cutaways or perspective shots.

I try to emphasize that screenwriting has two functions--the story side and the production side. Top writers are familiar with both. If you want to make money with screenwriting, you need to understand both. What I want you to take away is that your paragraphs should reflect the shots, though in a spec script you'd never number them.

As a writer/director, you're free to do as you wish. Hitchcock had dense paragraphs of action. But this style of formatting has evolved to make shot identification and planning easier. When you mark your clapper, it's clear what is being shot. And using the eighths, it makes it easier to schedule shoot time.

I can only estimate but I think your 5 page script is actually closer to a 10 page formatted script, which means you have a run time of 8-10 minutes. It also means you have a shoot time of 40-50 hours or about four days (two weekends) of 10-12 hours. A formatted script gives you more control over your production scheduling and budget.

Good luck with your Kickstarter campaign.