Thank you very much for your help. I am trying to improve but because of those mistakes I guess I would of lost the interest of every reader by the time they read half of the first page. I'll keep in mind about the show don't tell - very important.
Keep in mind that the dialogue should complement not echo the visuals. Dialogue should express what cannot be seen. Just be careful not to get lazy. A good actor will convey emotions so s/he doesn't need to say "I feel ..." when they can show it. You DO have to give a reason why the audience should be interested in your protagonist(s)--like, empathize, laugh at. But if you use "hate" be sure it's your antagonist and follow with a contrast. Most new writers want to jump into the action without doing the necessary intros and set up. Building the intro hook is a necessary skill.
I also have a question, should I describe facial expressions and feelings? Something like "Bobby frowns" or "He looked shocked" and "He is tense" or "He is feeling sad"?
You walk a fine line. Most actors don't want to be told how to act. However, some feeling words just aren't adequate. "Sad" can mean many things.
Saying "Tim sits in the corner and is sad." can be vague. While you don't want to go overboard with description, you need to convey the context of the scene.
- Tim sits in the corner with a somber gaze.
- Tim sits in the corner, fighting back a tear.
- Tim sits in the corner in a quiet sob.
- Tim sits in the corner, head folded in his knees, rocking.
The director and/or actor will likely discard the suggestion and go with something they feel is more natural to the scene but it conveys the mood. Strong active language is more likely to capture a reader and lead to successfully selling your script. On the other hand, I'm not suggest you go to the extreme. Save that for the novel.
- Tim sits crouching in the corner, his arms around his knees. His eyes are red as he stares at the blank wall. A hot tear emerges that he fights to suppress.
But the 'FADE IN:' should stay on the left and not the right.
In American industry standard script format, CAMERA SHOTS are on the left, TRANSITIONS are on the right. A "FADE IN" is a transition. I recognize that Australian and UK formats may differ. If you were to submit this in the US, it would be wrong to put it on the left.