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feed back on opening scene

Sinjin

Sinjin

I'm currently writing a short thriller. I understand that early on is when people really decide whether or not they like a movie and stick around to see it through. I'm just looking for feed back on whether or not this opening scene seems interesting enough to grasp people attention.

any and all feed back is appreciated!

BATHROOM, ANYTIME

We see ALAN’s reflection in the mirror. He just got out of the shower. He’s shaving, brushing his teeth, and fixing his hair. We hear two voice overs during all of this.

MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Tell me everything you know about Alan Avery.

MACEY (V.O.)
He.. He was perfect. Charming... Handsome. He never said the wrong thing. I just... I cant believe I..

MALE VOICE (V.O.)
You’re not to blame here Ms. Turner. What about his past? Where is he from?

MACEY (V.O.)
... Is... he...

MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Is he dead?

Alan smiles after he’s all set. Screen goes black.

MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Yes.
 
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Different strokes for different folks but I generally don't like it when movies are played in reverse motion aka revealing the climax/a significant event first and showing the build-up to it second. Though, some movies that have incorporated such an introduction I do ultimately like - Before The Devil Knows You're Dead, Casino, Reservoir Dogs etc.
 
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I like it. It has a very "Dexter"-like quality. I do have some nitpicky technical points. I would lose the "we see" and "we hear". That's obvious. The screenplay is written from the audience's view of what is seen and heard. So this should appear:

Code: 
INT.  BATHROOM - NIGHT

Someone showers.  The mirror reflects ALAN (mid 20s)--tall,
athletic, with rugged stubble--as he leaves the shower and 
towels off. 

                      MALE VOICE (V.O.)
           Tell me everything you know about 
           Alan Avery.

                      MACEY (V.O.)
           He.. He was perfect. Charming... 
           Handsome. He never said the wrong 
           thing. I just... I can't believe I..

He’s shaves, brushes his teeth, and fixes his hair. 

                      MALE VOICE (V.O.)
           You’re not to blame here Ms. Turner. 
           What about his past? Where is he from?

                      MACEY (V.O.)
            ... Is... he...

                      MALE VOICE (V.O.)
            Is he dead?

Alan smiles after he’s all set and flips off the light.

                                                CUT TO BLACK

                      MALE VOICE (V.O.)
            Yes.
Always include a INT or EXT. It is helpful to have a time of day. The slugline helps the director and AD plan lighting, location, and shooting schedules. It also helps track 'movie time'.

Try to avoid using the present progressive (is X-ing) and use active (X-es). That's not a hard-and-fast rule, but it helps save space. The only time I use present progressive is when an action is being interrupted. Example: "He is shaving when Macey walks in." I realize that it sounds and feels more abrupt, but the purpose of the script is not to be a novel but convey action.

Even with voiceovers, try to stagger or match them with actions. It helps give a better flow to the dialogue and makes the page more balanced. Something many readers attend to.

Also, you should include some description of Alan. For example "ALAN (mid 20s), tall, athletic, with rugged stubble" gives a better sense to the character for the reader/director who has to cast Alan.

I like the start. Good luck.
 
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- Description is supposed to be OBJECTIVE... There is NO WE. "We see" should be dumped as should "we hear".

- Why waste space telling the reader that there are Vvoiceovers when he can see them.

- It's ... not ..

Good start, just needs a clean up.
 
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