EDM17 said:
You're ruinin' my fun and my good time!
Poke
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- Thread starter dament
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Poke
I am eagerly anticipating some constructive critisism on this short, I know I have a lot to learn. Everybody has been realy nice so far, and please continue if you feel so compeled.
If anyone would be willing to give me any hints or ideas about what worked and what didn't I would be very willing to listen.
If anyone would be willing to give me any hints or ideas about what worked and what didn't I would be very willing to listen.
Some cartoony sound effects would have gone a long way...
Record scratch when the music abruptly stops, a sproing at the impact... needs some extra foley sounds, too, especially when squishing the first cig.
The long jog in the park could have been cut a bit shorter without losing its impact.
Music was perfect, I thought whoever chose that made an excellent choice.
The dialogue of the driver should be redubbed... possibly the HN dialogue, too, as that came out a little echoey. (But not too bad)
Lastly, the house looks a little run down in the beginning.
Paint it.
Record scratch when the music abruptly stops, a sproing at the impact... needs some extra foley sounds, too, especially when squishing the first cig.
The long jog in the park could have been cut a bit shorter without losing its impact.
Music was perfect, I thought whoever chose that made an excellent choice.
The dialogue of the driver should be redubbed... possibly the HN dialogue, too, as that came out a little echoey. (But not too bad)
Lastly, the house looks a little run down in the beginning.
Paint it.Steve, Great ideas. Particularly the cartoony sound effects. I hadn't even considered the squishing cig sound.
You are absolutly right about the drivers dialogue. I knew that going in. I did'nt feel we had time to fix it before deadline.
I was thinking about pestering you in the next week or two to try any avr that.
You are absolutly right about the drivers dialogue. I knew that going in. I did'nt feel we had time to fix it before deadline.
I was thinking about pestering you in the next week or two to try any avr that.
Just watched it...
To be honest, I was getting a little bored...
Then WHAM!
Loved the ending... The guy got what he deserved...
I also thought the jogging seemed a little long but it would have been fine if you would have mixed it up a bit with some other shots of the guy running instead of letting him run in the frame... Don't be afraid to use that camera... Coverage... Closeups.... etc. I think with some more running footage inserted with different angles the running would move right along...
I didn't like the dialog too much... I would have gone for more subtext... Have your character MEAN the same thing but using different dialog that really SMACKS! For example... I just read a script today that had a great scene of dialog... One of the lines was:
Drive it like you stole it!
Instead of the usual ON THE NOSE example...
Please drive this car really fast.
See the difference? Since the runner didn't have too much dialog, I would rather hear something that SMACKS!
All in all, great first film. Great ending. Well done.
filmy
To be honest, I was getting a little bored...
Then WHAM!
Loved the ending... The guy got what he deserved...
I also thought the jogging seemed a little long but it would have been fine if you would have mixed it up a bit with some other shots of the guy running instead of letting him run in the frame... Don't be afraid to use that camera... Coverage... Closeups.... etc. I think with some more running footage inserted with different angles the running would move right along...
I didn't like the dialog too much... I would have gone for more subtext... Have your character MEAN the same thing but using different dialog that really SMACKS! For example... I just read a script today that had a great scene of dialog... One of the lines was:
Drive it like you stole it!
Instead of the usual ON THE NOSE example...
Please drive this car really fast.
See the difference? Since the runner didn't have too much dialog, I would rather hear something that SMACKS!
All in all, great first film. Great ending. Well done.
filmy
Last edited by a moderator:
Thanks for the feedback, Mr Filmy
Odd you mention subtext... that is what we are learning about at our next acting class. It appears to be important, so we'll be taking notes. Hopefully it will help us improve.
The idea behind this was the concept that "comedy comes in threes".
We'll be looking for a way to balance the needed repetition of events with keeping the dialogue fresher, in the future.
Odd you mention subtext... that is what we are learning about at our next acting class. It appears to be important, so we'll be taking notes. Hopefully it will help us improve.
The idea behind this was the concept that "comedy comes in threes".
- Action
- Action
- Expected action is changed.
We'll be looking for a way to balance the needed repetition of events with keeping the dialogue fresher, in the future.
Cool film.
FilmJumper said:
Filmjumper, Thank you for youre honest comments. I realy appreciate it. Great suggestions on not being afraid of the camera and using more closeups. The choice one the dialouge was to set up the last line (So did you have a good time) wich was a requirment for the competition. But, i feel you are still correct, I will need to work more on my creative writing to come up with more intresting ways of conveying a point or idea that packs some punch.