• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

I just wrote my first play, what can I do better?

I think you're talented, it's well written and you have a nice short story here.


That being said here comes all the feedback stuff you asked for

"Nicole is a young mother. She is visibly tired. She has one hand on
her baby's stroller and another holding an arm of
groceries. She stares at the sky for a minute,
contemplating what to do. She quickly decides to wait out
the rain and leans against the grocery store wall."

This part about her contemplating and then deciding to wait out the rain has too much internal thought process going. You could write it in a more direct way. "Nicole gives the pouring rain clouds a disapproving look and stops short of walking into the rain. she leans against the grocery store wall." something like that is more actionable and can be put on the screen. thoughts cannot.

She can see her work place up ahead.

Even if you show us the building, your viewers at home wont have any way to know that they're looking at samanthas place of work. it'll just be another building since she isn't in an identifying work uniform. one solution would be to give her a hat or something and have the words match the building she's headed to.

you're going to distract some readers by capitalizing CLICKING

Noah is a bit of an older man with
a faint stubble resting on his chin

give his age a number, e.g. noah a man in his 50s or whatever age youre thinking

You need to change scenes..
you start with EXT SAMANTHAS HOUSE

But nowhere in the script is there EXT BUS STOP
or EXT GROCERY STORE

yet we do travel to these places, so they need to be identified.

I think sam needs a reason to leave work so soon. like maybe she left the stove on or something.
 
Back
Top