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Old 09-11-2017, 05:38 PM   #1
j0shgreene
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Idea "Suburbia." | Student Short Film

Hey guys. Here's my third short film, "Suburbia." Check it out, give me tons of feedback. 4th one in the works.

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Old 09-14-2017, 05:17 AM   #2
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Thanks but the opening shot is too weak, made me take a u-turn.
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Old 09-16-2017, 12:01 PM   #3
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Thanks but the opening shot is too weak, made me take a u-turn.
I'm sorry, I'm not sure where you're getting at. I thought the opening shot was great. Are you possibly referring to the opening scene?
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Old 09-16-2017, 12:20 PM   #4
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True, I was very brief. Was counting on that the rest of the brilliant people here would comment some more, hopefully positively.

I don't like drugs, or what they do to people. All swimming with the stream in that world is for losers only. Just my opinion in general. Can't comment on your film with this attitude.
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Old 09-16-2017, 01:13 PM   #5
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Rap music too loud and distracting, combined with the "roomy" dialog makes it hard to digest. You can hear what they say but it is a task because you have to work to hear it, and that, makes the film a bit of a chore to get through. When they went into the hall the rap was still playing same volume which I thought odd, as I thought it was supposed to be what was playing in the dorm room. I didn't watch past this, but will try to when I get time. Best of luck!
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Old 09-16-2017, 01:21 PM   #6
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I thought it was decent but wish the last shot was better because it's pretty important.
Did you try to do that any other ways?
I think storywise the ending would have more impact if you built up their friendship more.
You might want to invest in some good mics & audio equipment for your dialog.
Either that or do some ADR.
Was this done for school?
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Old 09-16-2017, 01:32 PM   #7
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Congrats on the film, I will try to finish the rest later was just giving an initial reaction but a completed film is something to celebrate in its own right.
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:36 PM   #8
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Idea

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Originally Posted by buscando View Post
I thought it was decent but wish the last shot was better because it's pretty important.
Did you try to do that any other ways?
I think storywise the ending would have more impact if you built up their friendship more.
You might want to invest in some good mics & audio equipment for your dialog.
Either that or do some ADR.
Was this done for school?
Not sure where you're coming from. With our budget limitations, that's pretty much as good as it gets when it comes to faking a car crash. Myself and everyone else with the project who watched the cut got chills with how realistic it looked for our limitations. Especially with the horn sounds and how it immediately cuts to black.
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:36 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by indietalk View Post
Congrats on the film, I will try to finish the rest later was just giving an initial reaction but a completed film is something to celebrate in its own right.
Let me know what you think when you finish it. Thanks for the kind words.
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:55 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by j0shgreene View Post
Not sure where you're coming from. With our budget limitations, that's pretty much as good as it gets when it comes to faking a car crash.
Maybe I would've bought it more if instead of just that one last shot, there was also a series of quick cuts showing the last couple seconds before impact; shots of the cars, tires, lights blinding his eyes, etc. That would be within your budget limitations.
I don't know, just a personal preference.
Good job overall.

Last edited by buscando; 09-17-2017 at 11:35 PM.
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Old 09-18-2017, 12:31 PM   #11
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Congrats on finishing your film. Great job. Aside from agreeing with some of the mentions above...

Personally I don't think the first few minutes in the bedroom were necessary at all. Through some more creative dialogue you could have established in the car that Jason had a tendency to drive under the influence. Also the drugs really played no part at all. The "fight" lacked substance and it seems strange that a character would walk into a party...alone...right after he beats up an angry supposed drug dealer?

You could have eliminated some stressed dialogue by streamlining this in a few spots. The character development seems quite hasty too. Below is just an EXAMPLE of how you could have developed these characters in a simpler way (using your framework):

- Owen and Jason are headed to a party where they don't know many people
- Owen says something like "You sure you're OK to be driving?"
- Jason responds with "Dude I'm a pro...plus I've barely had any today."
- Owen wants to see Elizabeth (who invited them), Jason wants to get wasted per usual
- They near their destination, excited to be out of Camarillo and ready to party
- Elizabeth is standing in a driveway, upset, but won't say why
- After some pleading from Elizabeth, both her and Owen leave to talk
- Jason gives them their space and ventures inside the party alone
- Owen and Elizabeth have their talk under the stars, maybe losing track of time
- We see Jason in the party having a great time drinking a lot with strangers
- Owen and Elizabeth walk back to the party very late and realize Jason's car is gone
- Elizabeth offers to drive Owen home, they share some sweet words during the trip
- Once home, Owen calls Jason as he is worried about his well being, no answer
- "Alright dude you aren't answering so I'm headed over to make sure you're good"
- Owen drives towards Jason's house
- Cut to Jason swerving on the road
- Cut back to Owen in his vehicle, his eyes widen as we hear screeching tires
- Back to Jason, we hear the impact, screen goes black...for a few long seconds
- Cut to Elizabeth, she is in the same spot where she first talked to Owen under the stars
- She looks towards where Owen should be...would be...next to her, sobbing
- Credits

Still meaningful and along the lines of suburban isolation, needless loss, etc. etc. All while not requiring a leap of faith from audience members to empathize with potentially shallow characters. Just some food for thought.

Once again, great job and congratulations. Truly looking forward to seeing your next project.
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Old 09-19-2017, 04:19 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZMY View Post
Congrats on finishing your film. Great job. Aside from agreeing with some of the mentions above...

Personally I don't think the first few minutes in the bedroom were necessary at all. Through some more creative dialogue you could have established in the car that Jason had a tendency to drive under the influence. Also the drugs really played no part at all. The "fight" lacked substance and it seems strange that a character would walk into a party...alone...right after he beats up an angry supposed drug dealer?

You could have eliminated some stressed dialogue by streamlining this in a few spots. The character development seems quite hasty too. Below is just an EXAMPLE of how you could have developed these characters in a simpler way (using your framework):

- Owen and Jason are headed to a party where they don't know many people
- Owen says something like "You sure you're OK to be driving?"
- Jason responds with "Dude I'm a pro...plus I've barely had any today."
- Owen wants to see Elizabeth (who invited them), Jason wants to get wasted per usual
- They near their destination, excited to be out of Camarillo and ready to party
- Elizabeth is standing in a driveway, upset, but won't say why
- After some pleading from Elizabeth, both her and Owen leave to talk
- Jason gives them their space and ventures inside the party alone
- Owen and Elizabeth have their talk under the stars, maybe losing track of time
- We see Jason in the party having a great time drinking a lot with strangers
- Owen and Elizabeth walk back to the party very late and realize Jason's car is gone
- Elizabeth offers to drive Owen home, they share some sweet words during the trip
- Once home, Owen calls Jason as he is worried about his well being, no answer
- "Alright dude you aren't answering so I'm headed over to make sure you're good"
- Owen drives towards Jason's house
- Cut to Jason swerving on the road
- Cut back to Owen in his vehicle, his eyes widen as we hear screeching tires
- Back to Jason, we hear the impact, screen goes black...for a few long seconds
- Cut to Elizabeth, she is in the same spot where she first talked to Owen under the stars
- She looks towards where Owen should be...would be...next to her, sobbing
- Credits

Still meaningful and along the lines of suburban isolation, needless loss, etc. etc. All while not requiring a leap of faith from audience members to empathize with potentially shallow characters. Just some food for thought.

Once again, great job and congratulations. Truly looking forward to seeing your next project.
This is awesome feedback.
Thank you very much, this will help greatly in future ventures.
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Old 09-22-2017, 12:40 AM   #13
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In my opinion, what makes a good movie and what can sell a short low budget film are jump cuts. instead of just one camera angle for an entire scene have 3 or more. It might be a lot of work, especially with one camera but it sells the picture better.
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