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Screenplay, Review My Work

Quality

Quality

Hey guys, this is my recent screenplay which I have intentions to shoot in the near future.

A man is going through the struggles of everyday life - job and relationship wise. He ends up teaming with his friend to break into a home; so he is able to support his girlfriend and himself. When they enter, they are in for a surprise.

https://www.scribd.com/doc/317233105/Break-and-Enter

Please tell me what you think.
 
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I think it is quite good!!!! I definitely wanted to keep reading to see how it was going to end. I am wondering maybe if it would sound better to do employee of the year instead of employee of the month......and maybe make the girlfriend already pregnant to heighten the desperation. I hope you do shoot it!
 
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Read four pages. It's rolling on, but would improve with less dialogue. 61 pages and when the editor leaves 15 pages of dialogue on the cutting room floor you land at 46. Half a movie.
 
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A few little problems with this...

You're directing from inside the script. "A view of the interior of the house is seen..." has no place in a screenplay. If you want to imply a tracking shot through the house, why not describe the house?

Introduce your characters with a short description. And their name should be in CAPS the first time it is used.

Some of your dialogue is unrealistic. Who is Jerome talking to when he first wakes up? It's to expository. Shoe us that he had a good night, don't tell us.
 
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Introducing your characters in CAPS is standard formatting. You should also slug your opening establishing shot as EXT. (INSERT LOCATION) - DAY

Seems I have read this before and commented on the EXCESSIVE (and pointless) dialogue.

Also, things like this ...


INT. KITCHEN - DAY

His girlfriend is in the kitchen fixing breakfast. He walks in.


Your SLUG has already told us this is the kitchen, so no need to repeat it in the text block. And - you intro a new character with NO NAME other than 'his girlfriend'. How are we supposed to know it's his girlfriend? Could be a sister or a one-nighter. A neighbor?

Also, we are in a new room/location with no clue that it is the same house, so saying HE walks in leaves us unsure who HE is. Is it Jerome? Don't confuse us with pronouns. Clarity rules.


This one bit should read something like this ...

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

SHANICE (age, looks, clothing if any) prepares breakfast. Jerome enters.

I'll just make up some attributes here ..


INT. KITCHEN - DAY

SHANICE, early 20s, athletic with oversized pyjamas, prepares breakfast. Jerome enters.



This needs a MAJOR rewrite.

a
 
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Quality said:
I just never saw screenplays with character names in capitals.
Click to expand...

HERE IS ONE using the Walter Hill "stacked" style. Notice all characters intros are
in upper case.

HERE IS ONE a little more recent.

THIS ONE is an interesting read. A very unique voice in screenplay writing. Character
names in capitals.

I'm having a hard time finding ANY screenplay without the character names in capitals.
Seems sometimes the Coen Brothers do it.
 
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If you were asked to watch a movie and comment and the very first
shot was partially out of focus – not as an artistic choice but because
the filmmaker forgot to turn off the auto-focus – I suspect you might
lose interest or not want to continue. For a writer I believe it's very
important to make sure what you are showing us is at the very least
checked for typos.

The first line is “Oh boy, what I night.” I know you mean “what a
night”. You missed this easy to spot typo. I'll buy into the character
talking to himself, but I won't accept a typo. Before you ask for people
to take the time to read your work take a couple of more minutes and
check your spelling and typos.

Page 6 – Are you telling me you want the movie watcher to watch the
entire process of showering and getting ready for work? How long do
you envision this scene to be. Is this essential to your story?


There are a lot of little minor (correctable) errors that I think you should
address before people can truly comment on your story and characters;
Page 7 – you have a fade out and then write the office building is seen.
Clearly the office can't be seen after a fade out so put that line in before
the fade.

“The worker greets Jerome by a shake of the hand.” is much cleaner as
“They shake hands.”

I stopped there. Too many errors make this a difficult read. I prefer to
not have to figure out what you are trying to say as I read. I liked the
dialogue for the most part. Main characters are well set up. When you do
a major rewrite I'd be glad to read it again.
 
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alex ma whitmer said:
Seems I have read this before and commented on the EXCESSIVE (and pointless) dialogue.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I remember that as well, but I cannot find the thread.

Elrod, there's way too much here. I made it 25 pages in, and that was 20 pages past where I got bored.

25 pages, and I haven't learned much of anything because we're still stuck on one conversation. Whether it's Jerome talking to Shanice, or to Mr. Corbett, or to his coworkers, we're still stuck on Jerome needing the raise because of his plans with Shanice and Alex being a sniveling kiss-ass. There's been no real character development at this point, and we'd be almost a half-hour into the film.

The other thing to try and siphon out is on-the-nose dialog. There's way too much of it here. For example:

JEROME
I see that you got up early, before the alarm.
Click to expand...

At this point, the viewer has already seen that he woke up alone and turned off the alarm. The viewer is also aware that she's been up for a while because she's in the middle of cooking breakfast. He knows she was up before the alarm, and she does as well, so there's no need to force that into the dialog. Try this (with some excitement for seeing a hot breakfast in the works):

JEROME
Looks like somebody was up early!
Click to expand...

Or, even simpler:

JEROME
Up early?

SHANICE
Yeah. Couldn't sleep.
Click to expand...

Here's another one:

JEROME
I'm just hoping to get that raise from work.
Click to expand...

Yes. From work. Not sure where else he would be getting a raise.

And another:

JEROME
Thanks. And it would work good in preparing for our first.
Saving for the nine months so we can be financially stable.
Click to expand...

The viewer can figure that out quickly. They want to have a child. A big raise at work would help, and getting it soon means they can save up. You don't have to spoon-feed the viewer on that. Of course, these lines are part of an excruciatingly-long scene that needs to be slashed down to a couple of pages.

alex ma whitmer said:
This needs a MAJOR rewrite.
Click to expand...

Yes.

In music, songwriters often refer to this as "killing your baby". Morbid term, but it's pretty accurate. The challenge is taking an objective stance on something that's already the result of time and hard work. You made it. You're proud of it. You think it's the most incredible thing ever. It's kind of a blind love, and that blindness covers up the places that need lots of work.

But try to step outside of yourself and ask which parts aren't necessary. Which parts could be better-communicated with less dialog and more action blocking? And with each line, ask yourself: "Do I resist cutting this piece of dialog because it's absolutely necessary here, or am I simply too attached to it because it's something I wrote?" That's an important question.
 
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