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Looking for Feedback on Script

J

J.T.

I'm not entirely sure what genre this script would be placed in. But I guess you could call it a thriller :lol:. Any feedback, positive or negative, is greatly appreciated. This is just the first draft, so it's definitely a little ruff around the edges. Also, I'm currently looking for a decent screenplay editor. The title is "The Target." Hope you guys like it!!! Thanks in advance. Here's the link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cxoactpkytcxKCaUVkjotDXBQboKisRjbjxLZH1FLRs/edit?usp=sharing
 
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Hi J.T..
I read it. I quite like the premise but the dialogue needs a lot of tightening up (they don't sound like agents of any sort), and I think you could definitely tell the story in a more dramatic way.

Is it something you're planning to film yourself?
 
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Very promising. Can become great. Work on making it more believable, or go more the other way. Now it's there in the middle where one doesn't know what odd bird it wants to be.
 
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It's a good start. You have a solid foundation. That being said, some of your characters are not consistent. Particular Chambers. He tells Perry, he's sorry for placing this burden on him. Why does he have to? You don't elaborate on why Owen has to be the one to kill Elise. Chambers could have chosen any other agent to kill her, but he chooses Owen. Why? If she's such a risk to our national safety; why does he put his most compromising agent on the job? Then, after thirty minutes he's ready to run in there and kill her himself.

I also didn't buy some of the dialogue. You're playing too close to fantasy.

I liked the story though. I've always found family drama to be the most interesting. I actually wrote a similar story about a hit man, who is unknowingly hired to kill his own brother. It was a fun piece. Anyways, if you need some help or want another look just send me a PM.
 
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Toxoiid said:
It's a good start. You have a solid foundation. That being said, some of your characters are not consistent. Particular Chambers. He tells Perry, he's sorry for placing this burden on him. Why does he have to? You don't elaborate on why Owen has to be the one to kill Elise. Chambers could have chosen any other agent to kill her, but he chooses Owen. Why? If she's such a risk to our national safety; why does he put his most compromising agent on the job? Then, after thirty minutes he's ready to run in there and kill her himself.

I also didn't buy some of the dialogue. You're playing too close to fantasy.

I liked the story though. I've always found family drama to be the most interesting. I actually wrote a similar story about a hit man, who is unknowingly hired to kill his own brother. It was a fun piece. Anyways, if you need some help or want another look just send me a PM.
Click to expand...

You mean Agent Perry, not Owen lol.
 
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