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Please critique my horror script

Hi, I'm looking for critique on a psychological horror script I recently wrote and intend to film soon. It's only 4 pages so it won't take long too long. Feedback will be appreciated, cheers.

Here's the link.

http://docdroid.net/op8t
 
Specifically WHAT is it you're looking for critique of; format, story, how this is going to look on film?

After you film it what are you going to do with it, youtube?
 
I skimmed it and it's a nice idea. The format is off in a way that makes this four pages very deceiving. All of the narration should be formatted as dialogue and you will see that this is way longer than you have it now. That being said, I think the narration can be skimmed a lot. Also, the beginning seems boring as a facebook messenger conversation. I think it would be more interesting visually if they could face time. Lastly, the action description is all lumped together in a way where I had to force myself to slow down and pay attention. This is another formatting issue. It's a cool idea for a short. You do need to clean up the presentation so others reading can understand it clearly, whether they be actors, crew, or people you get feedback from.
 
Specifically WHAT is it you're looking for critique of; format, story, how this is going to look on film?

After you film it what are you going to do with it, youtube?

Any critique is good, particularly in regards to the story. I intend to enter into a few local festivals with it. The look will be fairly similar to most horror, i.e low key lighting.
 
Re story: Cool, because as time2focus pointed out the format has issues, but as writer/director/producer those don't even matter.

Story is a young adult waking up amid a brewing storm outside while social media shenanigans brew inside leading to his dubious demise as a real entity or electronic figment of someone or thing's imagination.

The story is curious and odd, but not exactly novel or engaging.
Dude wakes up, trips out, panics, goes into full alarm, and vanishes as his program completes.
Basically a variation of "it was all just a dream", which is fine for a one and done short film, good for nods of accomplishment, not really thrilling or horrifying, though.

Kinda like self-naveling computer nerd drama.

At least it will be great no budget work! :)
One actor. One setting. Normal household props. Simple SFX.
Excellent! :yes:



What emotional effects for the audience/viewer are you shooting for with this?
What is it you hope to achieve?
 
Re story: Cool, because as time2focus pointed out the format has issues, but as writer/director/producer those don't even matter.

Story is a young adult waking up amid a brewing storm outside while social media shenanigans brew inside leading to his dubious demise as a real entity or electronic figment of someone or thing's imagination.

The story is curious and odd, but not exactly novel or engaging.
Dude wakes up, trips out, panics, goes into full alarm, and vanishes as his program completes.
Basically a variation of "it was all just a dream", which is fine for a one and done short film, good for nods of accomplishment, not really thrilling or horrifying, though.

Kinda like self-naveling computer nerd drama.

At least it will be great no budget work! :)
One actor. One setting. Normal household props. Simple SFX.
Excellent! :yes:



What emotional effects for the audience/viewer are you shooting for with this?
What is it you hope to achieve?

Yup I set out to keep it as simple to shoot as possible and allowing me lots of time to fine tune the shots and the lighting.

My aim is to achieve a sense of slow rising tension and dread. The character will be mostly silent throughout and express mostly though facial expressions etc. A lot of the emotions will be conveyed in the music and camera movements. I quite like German Expressionism so I imagine the film itself will be quite similar to that. A bit spooky but not the type of horror to make you jump out of your seat.
 
In that case this is fine! :yes:

The cinematography should be the workhorse for this.
Make it inspiring or fantastic and viewers won't care much for the plate it's served on. All will be good.

Good luck and best wishes!
 
1. First time a character is introduced, he should be in capitals. Tom is not. Non-existent description too. Are we talking about a 2 year old or a 92 year old?

2. The opening paragraphs are LUDICROUS MONOLITHS. These contain various different actions. It slows it down all as one. These need to be split up into short ones with short sentences to turn up the tension.

3. Spare blank between up and paper. Remeber, one, just one typo on your opening page and you are BUSTED in nearly every studio in the Western World.

4. I don't get this ALARM thing. Is this a fire alarm or a passing Police car?

5. For better tension, sounds should, not only be in capitals, but in a paragraph of their own, pretty much.

6. If it is a computer screen, it should say so with INSERT COMPUTOR SCREEN

7. If you already know it is typing on a computer screen, you only need the SOUND in capitals of Tom typing.

8. Tom then continues to type. The Then is surplus unless you knock out the second Tom and weld the sentences.

9. Spare blank line after NARRATOR

10. If it is a NARRATOR, it is STILL dialogue and should be set as such.

11. These huge descriptive paragraphs are the utter death of this.

12. The narrator is too long. It could be cut down through careful wording. Shorter sentences would add to tension.

13. His mid disappears acn hardly be shown. You need to write it although it would probably work with it gone.

14. You over use the word JUST. It gets irritating. Consider if any could be replaced by merely etc.


Otherwise, it is actually very, very good. But the tension is badly damaged by jumbo paragraphs which could easily be broken up.

Finally, are you aware that your email looks like FAGMAIL? Not exactly helpful if you try to sell to the yanks.
 
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