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"We fade in" - There is no WE in stage direction. Just skip the WE.

No slugline.

Blank lines after character.

Dialogue too wide.

Action and description too narrow.

slamming his arms on the table is NOT a style of speech so should NOT be in parentheticals.

"It's you fault I'm stuck her" - Is this a typo

Amber badly monologues. Can you not trim it with judicious wording

It is touching and really quite nice, but it does need resetting.

Also, somehow it feels like the last act of a feature script. Have you considered writing the 100 pages before that. if you did you could get rid of the TELLING instead of SHOWING in the dialogue and make it really snappy and sell it for a million and retire to a huge house with your trophy wife who you one day find sleeping with your best friend who you shoot as well as your trophy wife and then kill yourself only to find yourself in your own screenplay....!!!!
 
J.T.
From this genre of films, I would expect some twist in the end, some punch. It was so interesting all along the scene, but ended so... empty. I suggest you to think of it.

Maybe Nolan DOES succeed to get up from the chair after he talks to Satan. He confronts Gary on his way and moves on after the conversation. Nolan escapes hell, approaches the gates of Heaven. There he meets Amber, who talks to him and casts him down, back to hell, because he hasn't forgiven her yet. So it ends up having him sit on the chair, unable to get up. Again.

P.S.
Editor, so you DO open Google Docs?
 
J.T.


P.S.
Editor, so you DO open Google Docs?

No. I borrowed a friend's computer to be able to review... so, if I am going to all the trouble to read and review someone's screenplay, something that 99.99% of agents and studios won't do, I do NOT expect to be foulmouthed by some bunch of arrogant punks with delusions of grandeur, strutting around believing that they can call the shots and tell the studios what software that they will have to have to read their unwanted screenplays. Wake up, Sonny, yours is just one of 250,000 a year and if you did have the utter miracle of having someone read it, why f**k it up with an unreadible file format?
 
No. I borrowed a friend's computer to be able to review... so, if I am going to all the trouble to read and review someone's screenplay, something that 99.99% of agents and studios won't do, I do NOT expect to be foulmouthed by some bunch of arrogant punks with delusions of grandeur, strutting around believing that they can call the shots and tell the studios what software that they will have to have to read their unwanted screenplays. Wake up, Sonny, yours is just one of 250,000 a year and if you did have the utter miracle of having someone read it, why f**k it up with an unreadible file format?

Nobody is "foulmouthing" you. You're a negative person and you see everything in negative light. That's all I can say.
 
Nobody is "foulmouthing" you. You're a negative person and you see everything in negative light. That's all I can say.

He's just starting to get irritable as I have bagged on him for two days.
Basically after not having been on here for almost a year I came on and found
that he had been slamming new members with no apparent attempt at even semi
constructive comments. He just slammed them all down without sympathy...so I
came along and fed him some of his own medicine and surprise surprise he didn't
like the flavour...so now he's feeling a little temperamental about it all and has decided
to actually give someone a semi constructive comment (which I give him full kudos for) but
he is probably waiting for my next round of foulage...which I won't send as long as he
continues to be nice and helpful instead of grumpy and unconstructive.
 
"We fade in" - There is no WE in stage direction. Just skip the WE.

No slugline.

Blank lines after character.

Dialogue too wide.

Action and description too narrow.

slamming his arms on the table is NOT a style of speech so should NOT be in parentheticals.

"It's you fault I'm stuck her" - Is this a typo

Amber badly monologues. Can you not trim it with judicious wording

It is touching and really quite nice, but it does need resetting.

Also, somehow it feels like the last act of a feature script. Have you considered writing the 100 pages before that. if you did you could get rid of the TELLING instead of SHOWING in the dialogue and make it really snappy and sell it for a million and retire to a huge house with your trophy wife who you one day find sleeping with your best friend who you shoot as well as your trophy wife and then kill yourself only to find yourself in your own screenplay....!!!!

:) There...no sugar coating which is fine, but helpful...I agree with you :)
 
After reading the script I do agree with the above points. It does feel like the closing of a story, rather than a story in itself.

Felt like it needed a Black Mirror style twist (Check it out, channel 4 in the UK). Something like its a revenge tv show where no-one is dead, but they drum it into Nolan he's a killer and admit something for ratings.

Some of the dialogue felt a little unnatural, but for the most part I did enjoy it.

Thanks for sharing.
 
Fun little script. other than any format issues, the first thing I noticed was the dialogue needs some work, IMO. Maybe read it out loud. Most of it is okay, but Nolan's seems stiff, and not the way people really talk, in some places.

An example:


NOLAN​
You're not my pal. A true pal would never have so
deeply betrayed me.


Might sound better as something like:



NOLAN​
You're not my pal. A true pal would never have
fucked me over like that.


This is totally my opinion, and it's kind of dependent on the tone you are going for and who the characters are . If Nolan is a blue collar "everyman" then the original dialogue sounds a bit out of place. If he's a bookish professor, it might be perfect.

Just something to consider.
 
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