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Old 05-01-2018, 02:01 PM   #1
nielsTRY
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Need help with screenwriting

Hi,

I am in my first year of film school in Belgium and working on a project for school. I have to make a 4 minute movie. That shows that i can tell a cohesive story in only a few minutes. I have been rewrite my script a lot of times and me and my instructor cant figure out to make the story work. The deadline is reaching closer and i am preparing to do a reshoot the 12th of may. Are there seasonded script writers that can help me with my writers block?

Here a short synopsis: 2 female waiters who are working in a café are fed up with making little money. they come up with a plan to stage a robery on their café. they hire a hitman and prepare a plan. Their plan is to involve a witness. they choose for a regular customer that Always had an eye on one of the waiters. the problem is he has come with a dte this time and doesnt look interested in her. After trying a couple of times he gets him to come but he sees tht there is something wrong. The three thieves are counting there money in a safe house till all of a sudden the police knocks on their door...

If you want to help let me know and i can send you the script(translated)

Niels
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Old 05-01-2018, 03:30 PM   #2
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Old 05-01-2018, 04:30 PM   #3
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And then what?
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:51 AM   #4
nielsTRY
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The thing its a 4 minute video so there are some parts that viewer has to fill in. The problem is that there are too many of those moments and the viewer gets confused. So i need to tell the story in a clearer way but i am limited to 4 minutes and thats where i get stuck. Do you have experience in screenwriting?
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Old 05-02-2018, 10:56 AM   #5
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You need to strip it down; there'a too much to cram into four minutes.

KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid!
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Old 05-02-2018, 11:05 AM   #6
nielsTRY
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Yea i get that but i cant really see it. I tried simplyfing but then it get dull. Got some ideas?
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Old 05-02-2018, 11:09 AM   #7
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Make it funny. It's about long enough for a punchline type film but not much more.
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Old 05-02-2018, 11:21 AM   #8
directorik
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nielsTRY View Post
I have been rewrite my script a lot of times and me and my instructor cant figure out to make the story work.
You can't figure out how to make this story work because it's
too complex for four minutes.

The reason film students are asked to make a four minute
project is because it forces you to find the right story. It's an
excellent challenge for a writer. Rise to the challenge. Don't
try to cram this entire story into four minutes – find a story
you can tell in four minutes.

I hope your instructor has encouraged you to watch other
four to six minute films made by previous students. You have
an amazing resource that I didn't have when I made my first
three short films - YouTube and Vimeo. Hundreds of thousands
of short films in the three to six minute range.

A good short film is like a good joke - even if it isn't a comedy.
The structure is the same - a set up, the story, the punch. Right
now your set up is a good 5 pages - the guys working in a cafe
and not making enough money. The "story" is a good 15 pages;
planning, hiring someone to help, involving a witness, working
with the witness, trying a couple of times. The punch is a good 8
pages; the execution of the plan, the counting of the money and
the police showing up.

Too much for four minutes. Write another story. One you can tell
in four minutes. THAT is your school assignment.
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:13 PM   #9
nielsTRY
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Well i hade some doubts myself about the timing. But my instructor pushed me to make the story and told me how it could be a great story. So i trusted him but he never gave me any guidlines in how to gell the story together in the given time. So i now i am in quite the time problem. So this is kinda a desperate move because making another story, finding the actors, finding a good location in the coming week will not be an option. I am trying to go another route now and make it more of a comedy. Where the girls and the robber are piling up mistakes desperatly needing money they keep digging themselves a deeper hole till they come to a breaking point and the leader of the group desides to call the police and tell them that they made a teribble mistake. If you have any ideas to maybe get idea to work its greatly appreciated!
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:16 PM   #10
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It sounds like you want us to do your homework for you.

directorik gave great tips. Now it is up to you to write it. If you can't perhaps you need to bring a writer onboard.
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:24 PM   #11
nielsTRY
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Ok but why cut this off now... i have worked plenty on this script so to say that i ask to do the work for me seems a bit much. i appreciate the tips from direktorik but i need to move forward with this script so is it wrong to see if others more experience writers have ideas to maybe make the story work. I dont ask to write them a story for me just maybe some quick and simple ideas i could use.
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:27 PM   #12
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There are no quick and simple ideas - it's simply too complicated to do in 4 minutes.
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:41 PM   #13
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Adapt and overcome. You have your idea. Your instructor pressured you to write a complex story. Now you see it will not work. Now your job it to make it work by adapting.
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:45 PM   #14
nielsTRY
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Well i ve been trying for the last couple of weeks... But i guess that i wont find my answers here
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:46 PM   #15
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So you admit defeat when faced with a challenge.
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