The formatting is really distracting. You can remove all the capitalized names after their first mention. The transitions are also not really needed. The use of I/E. is incorrect. Also, try to limit time descriptions to what is relevant--DAY or NIGHT. The action/description statements are lacking.
The dialogue is VERY wordy and on-the-nose. It drags. Bored by the end of page 4. Nothing of significance has been said. The characters are need more development. They sound the same. If filmed this would drag horribly on the screen. It really needs to be pruned. Sorry, snoring by page 9 and I still have no clue what the movie is about. It takes nine pages to talk about guitars, Jimi Hendrix and mac-n-cheese?
If you're planning to film this yourself, I would still cut a lot of this. Tighten it up. Even as a short (20-40 pages), it would be better. I jumped to page 65 which should be the final resolution and read forward. Boring. I'm sorry, there was no excitement in the beginning, none at the end, I'm not going to waste time on the middle.
Based on your action statements this is the first eleven pages:
Code:
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - SUNSET
Nice middle class neighborhood, the teen residents are out and
about, having fun, drinking and talking in parks.
I/E AVERAGE HOUSE - SUNSET
ETHAN is high school student in the summer before senior
year. He looks dignified but unintimidating, dressed on the
line between preppy and nerdy. He takes the things he loves
a little too seriously.
MRS. D is of average height and wears momish sweaters. She
is kind and welcoming.
ETHAN walks up to the house and knocks on the front door.
MRS. D. comes to answer it from the kitchen.
INT. - DOWNSTAIRS - SUNSET
ETHAN walks upstairs.
JOEY, son of MRS D., 12, cute.
JOEY passes from his room towards the bathroom.
ETHAN and JOEY fist bump.
ETHAN Walks over to JULIE’s room. He knocks on the door.
JULIE Is also in her summer before senior year. she’s artsy
and enthusiastic.
INT. - JULIE’S ROOM - SUNSET
ETHAN enters and notices JULIE is holding a guitar.
ETHAN sits down on a chair in the far side of the room.
JULIE’s fingers are digging into the guitar strings.
ETHAN gets a little more comfortable in his chair. JULIE leaves
the room. ETHAN looks through books on one of the shelves,
and finds a men’s modeling magazine at the end. he’s amused.
puts it back quickly when he hears JULIE returning. JULIE walks
in with two bowls of wacky mac.
They dig in.
ETHAN is shaking his head.
I'd typically expect that much from two possibly three pages. As for dialogue issues:
Code:
ETHAN
Example please? I’m not- I’m not arguing with what you’re
saying or anything, I just don’t entirely understand what
you’re getting at.
JULIE
Hmm.. Take, what was it, like last week for example, with
the extracurriculars, you know, the sign-ups.
ETHAN
Yeah? What you mean that I refused to sign up to anything?
JULIE
Well, yeah.
ETHAN
That’s- I mean- I didn’t feel like I could really delve into
an of those things.
JULIE
So like, chillax, you know? Try something.
ETHAN
I try things.
JULIE
Yeah, like what?
ETHAN
This wacky mac, for one.
JULIE
What, you’ve had wacky mac before.
ETHAN
Nope.
JULIE
I refuse to believe-
ETHAN is shaking his head.
10.
JULIE
You’ve never had wacky mac??
ETHAN
What is that so hard to believe?
So much of this is redundant and verbalizes what the character feels. Show it, don't state it.
Code:
ETHAN
Example please?
JULIE
What did you sign up for last week?
Ethan glances up at her then away.
ETHAN
That’s--I mean--nothing interested me.
JULIE
So like, chillax, you know? Try something.
ETHAN
I do. This, uh, wacky mac, for one.
Julie stares at him in disbelief.
JULIE
You’ve never had wacky mac?
Ethan shakes his head and stuffs his face so as not to answer.
She stares in disbelief. His eyebrows rise and he smiles, face stuffed.
14 lines of dialogue down to 6. 47 lines down to 25. It says the same thing though it is said more obliquely, less on-the-nose. In terms of action, what we see in your version: "ETHAN is shaking his head." In the revised version:
"Ethan glances up at her then away. Julie stares at him in disbelief. Ethan shakes his head and stuffs his face so as not to answer. She stares in disbelief. His eyebrows rise and he smiles, face stuffed." As an actor or director I have a good sense of the characters and their interactions.
Again, very little action happens in the beginning. Put in a bit more interest in the beginning. Why should we be interested in Julie and Ethan? Personally, I'd really overhaul the dialogue. Remember that actual dialogue drags on the screen. At this point, I'm guessing this work better as a 30 page short. There's nothing wrong with writing shorts. They are more likely to get noticed at festivals. Good luck.
