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Feedback request for webisode pilot - Software House

S

SiCurious

Hi all

I was wondering if I could get some feedback on a pilot for a short web series I'm writing. It's a comedy about a group of software developers who have a week to build and sell a video game in order for them to pay the rent to their psychotic landlord.

**Removed - PM me**

Note this is the first screenplay I've ever attempted to write, so it might be riddled with classic, textbook, non-more-noobish mistakes. But it's only 7 pages and I think it's slightly funny anyway :D

Please let me know what you think and how I can improve.

Cheers :)

EDIT: Contains some strong language, hopefully not gratuitous ;)

EDIT2: Link removed
 
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Hey, thanks for the feedback, man! I'm glad the plot and characters came across as comprehensible :D

Thanks for the link, I've read through it, really helpful stuff. Could you give me an example of what I need to work on? My formatting looks okay to me, but a keener eye would probably spot something amiss. I used Celtx (of course!), so maybe the margins need tweaking?
 
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No your margins look fine but heres a few smaller tips:
1) Don't give the exact age of your character, just a generalization like "college aged" dont put the age in ()
2) On page six where Dale says "Dramatic" and Hazmat says "Artist" I think it would be a lot better if Hazmat said "Artistic"(just a tip)*
3) When saying INT and EXT you don't need to say inside or outside

other than that ur pretty well off

quick question: which part of the UK are you from? Your writing made me curious
 
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mrbigchin said:
No your margins look fine but heres a few smaller tips:
1) Don't give the exact age of your character, just a generalization like "college aged" dont put the age in ()
2) On page six where Dale says "Dramatic" and Hazmat says "Artist" I think it would be a lot better if Hazmat said "Artistic"(just a tip)*
3) When saying INT and EXT you don't need to say inside or outside

other than that ur pretty well off

quick question: which part of the UK are you from? Your writing made me curious
Click to expand...

Great tips, thanks for your help! I'll get to work on the second draft (and redrafting Episode 2 in line with your comments).

I'm currently based in Southampton (originally from Birmingham).
 
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mrbigchin said:
Very cool, feel free to send me the 2nd episode when it's done.
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Thanks man, that's very kind of you! Shall do :D

Does anyone else fancy giving it a read? Someone from the UK contingent would be useful. I'm aiming for a sort of cross between Spaced and IT Crowd, but with a cut-down webisode feel similar to The Guild. Lofty goals, I know.
 
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Good. Funny.

only advice I can think is to give Otis a bit more of an introduction. Maybe having him walking IN to a shop at his intro and have him being short-changed by a cashier for his coconut or something..

I'd like to see it when it gets produced. (I'll add my name to the "wouldn't mind reading episode 2" list too.)
 
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Aaron M said:
Good. Funny.

only advice I can think is to give Otis a bit more of an introduction. Maybe having him walking IN to a shop at his intro and have him being short-changed by a cashier for his coconut or something..

I'd like to see it when it gets produced. (I'll add my name to the "wouldn't mind reading episode 2" list too.)
Click to expand...

Top stuff, thanks Aaron! I like that idea, I like it a lot. I'll have a rummage around my frontal lobe, see what I can find.

Awesome, I can make a list! I shall keep you informed :)
 
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Unsubtle ^bump^ to say I'm taking the doc down tomorrow so last call for any feedback :D Also to say I'm hoping to be filming this in the autumn/fall; I'll probably be doing sound (cover your ears!) and we might even use proper actors who can act!

(MBC and Aaron, sorry haven't been working on Ep2 this week due to work commitments, hopefully I'll get a breather next weekend!)
 
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