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Need help with screenwriting

Hi,

I am in my first year of film school in Belgium and working on a project for school. I have to make a 4 minute movie. That shows that i can tell a cohesive story in only a few minutes. I have been rewrite my script a lot of times and me and my instructor cant figure out to make the story work. The deadline is reaching closer and i am preparing to do a reshoot the 12th of may. Are there seasonded script writers that can help me with my writers block?

Here a short synopsis: 2 female waiters who are working in a café are fed up with making little money. they come up with a plan to stage a robery on their café. they hire a hitman and prepare a plan. Their plan is to involve a witness. they choose for a regular customer that Always had an eye on one of the waiters. the problem is he has come with a dte this time and doesnt look interested in her. After trying a couple of times he gets him to come but he sees tht there is something wrong. The three thieves are counting there money in a safe house till all of a sudden the police knocks on their door...

If you want to help let me know and i can send you the script(translated)

Niels
 
two waiters are Lien and Ellen. Robber is Bruno and the customer is Ewoud with his date Sarah
1) Lien is washing the dishes and looks nervous she approaches Ewoud and Sarah and tries to seduce Ewoud. Its a lousy attempt and she retreats to the kitchen leaving Ewoud and Sarah confused
2) In the kitchen we see Ellen and Bruno posing like there is a robbery. They see Lien and relax. Lien tells tht the girl sitting next to ewoud is ruining it. Ellen tells here she need to give it more of an effort. She mimcs to Lien she has to get more cleavage. She convinces Lien to go again.
3) Lien brings the drinks to E and S and starts to seduce E even more( comedic) E is not biting. So she despertly wispers in his ears that he has to come. E is worried and follows here
4) E and L go in the kitchen and E takes action: he asks whats goig on. Bruno fails to come up with a good answer so Ellen takes control and say that he should give Bruno the money. Lien hands it over and Bruno runs away. In the meantime the plan of the robbery falls out of the pocket of Bruno when transacting the money(the weakest part) and E notices that. He makes a quick move and puts it feet on while calling the cops.
 
two waiters are Lien and Ellen. Robber is Bruno and the customer is Ewoud with his date Sarah
1) Lien is washing the dishes and looks nervous she approaches Ewoud and Sarah and tries to seduce Ewoud. Its a lousy attempt and she retreats to the kitchen leaving Ewoud and Sarah confused
2) In the kitchen we see Ellen and Bruno posing like there is a robbery. They see Lien and relax. Lien tells tht the girl sitting next to ewoud is ruining it. Ellen tells here she need to give it more of an effort. She mimcs to Lien she has to get more cleavage. She convinces Lien to go again.
3) Lien brings the drinks to E and S and starts to seduce E even more( comedic) E is not biting. So she despertly wispers in his ears that he has to come. E is worried and follows here
4) E and L go in the kitchen and E takes action: he asks whats goig on. Bruno fails to come up with a good answer so Ellen takes control and say that he should give Bruno the money. Lien hands it over and Bruno runs away. In the meantime the plan of the robbery falls out of the pocket of Bruno when transacting the money(the weakest part) and E notices that. He makes a quick move and puts it feet on while calling the cops.

You can remove 1 and 2 entirely
 
yea you are right i put those in to set the atmosphere and to get to know the characters but if i would follow your story structure thats not needed. What do you think of the robbers making a written plan. My instructor and me too find it not realistic that robbers make a written plan. I wrote that with the idea they where amateurs but this make them look too dumb. Its mostly a setup to get the cops knocking on their door. I cant figure out a better way too get to that ending maybe just ditch the ending but what to replace it with?
 
Well this seems to go downhill... I believe there a different kind of writers: some like to write alone and others like to co write feeding of each others ideas. I am more in the second group but havent yet found the people to cowrite with. I believe i have good ideas but at this stage(1st year) maybe i lack the skills to make a cohesive story and dont find a lot of screenwriting tools on 4 minute shortfilms. Maybe i just have a different (wrong) perspective on writing

But i dont want to rise your guys bloodpressure anymore and leave it at that. Thanks for replying and good luck writing!
My blood pressure isn't raised. I want to help. That's why I teach
screenwriting and I post here.

It's fine to want to write with others. And perhaps you are not ready
to be a writer. One way to find out is to keep at it. Another way is to
give up until you find someone to write with. I believe the way to
build the skills to make a cohesive story it to write. Especially when you
feel it's not going well.

I'm sorry you feel this went downhill. I was trying to jump start you
into accepting a difficult challenge. I see I shouldn't have.

I apologize.
 
Well you shouldnt have to apologize. I know i am mostly to blame myself for the choices i make: i could have been more critical of the script, i could of looked for help sooner, and many more things.I just really want to make it happen this year as this is my only chance to make it happen in the film industry. So maybe i have to reevaluate and just accept that i cant do it. I guess time will tell...
 
Our "job" here is not to do your work, or to collaborate. We are here to offer suggestions as to how you can do things for yourself.

One of the hardest things to do is "kill your babies", to scrap things you may love but don't work. That's just part of the biz.
 
-A waitresses makes fun of an elderly man customer.
-He eats soup by himself every day and leaves an appropriate tip based on the price of the soup, which she deems cheap.
-She is friendly to his face, but in the kitchen she mocks him and the staff laugh. She also makes racist remarks about the Mexican busboys.
-One day the man leaves a lottery ticket as his tip.
-She grabs the ticket and throws it in his face, and says "I'm tired of your cheap ass, you leave seventy five cents every day and now you leave me this worthless piece of paper?"
-The busboy is clearing his soup. He says "How do you know the numbers won't win? You never know."
-She says "Fine, you wetb**k, I'll take this as the tip, and here's your cut for the night."
-She grabs his hand and slaps it into his palm and says "Let me know how many cans of beans that buys."
-The old man remarks... "I can answer that. About 1.2 million cans of beans."
-The old man puts his hat on and leaves.
-Cut to: News clip of the old man winning 1.2 mil, and the bus boy being tipped the ticket.

That's all I got bro!
 
Waitress, money, comedy, I just went with it. You can do the same. Just write something out. :)
 
@indietalk enjoyed the story simple yet captivating. I dont think i can use a mexican man because thts not really relevant for the belgian culture but the base of the story seems definitely interesting. Thanks for the help!
 
yea you are right i put those in to set the atmosphere and to get to know the characters but if i would follow your story structure thats not needed. What do you think of the robbers making a written plan. My instructor and me too find it not realistic that robbers make a written plan. I wrote that with the idea they where amateurs but this make them look too dumb. Its mostly a setup to get the cops knocking on their door. I cant figure out a better way too get to that ending maybe just ditch the ending but what to replace it with?

I could tell you what to replace it with, you already have the pieces.
At that point I'd be doing more than giving advice. I'd be robbing you of an opportunity to create for yourself and grow as an artist.

expanding on characters is great but this is a short film not a feature length film.. so, in short.. get to the point!
 
Just replying to the opening post.
The last scene makes no sense it is too disconnected from the rest.
The rest is too complex for 4 minutes.
You painted yourself in a corner.
Now you can watch paint dry, or walk over it and paint something better.

2 Waitresses are tired of making little money and plan to rob their boss.
They hire someone.
But their boss is making little money as well, so after the robbery and after paying their robber they made even less and their boss has no money to pay their salary.
The witness is just an extra: no time for giving him a big part.

Add some urgent reason why they need money and there is a lot at stake and some tragic irony in the end.
 
@Sfoster yea you are right just cant to get over the hump right now but will try to figure something out. The hardest challenge for me is indeed nothing getting to know the character as that is wat intrests me in film.
 
@Alcove some cool stuff over there very interesting. Dont know if this kind of storytelling would translate to a 4 minute video but inspirational none the less.

@WalterB The last scene is indeed too disconnected too much open space really felt that in the first shoot of the film. I like your twist on involving the boss but. I pitched something similar that they were dissapointed with the money they gained. But my instructor replied that the characters where too dumb. Tey would have figured that out before they did the robbery. So that would be a difficult route.
 
@Sfoster yea you are right just cant to get over the hump right now but will try to figure something out. The hardest challenge for me is indeed nothing getting to know the character as that is wat intrests me in film.

If someone were to ask me what the point of character development was, I would tell them it's a seed youre planting for a later payoff. what kind of later payoff are you giving your audience by getting to know characters they'll only spend 4 minutes with. Its good to show character but don't belabor it
 
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