Could use a screenplay critique.........

kid_filmmaker · Mar 25, 2015

Would like an honest critique of this screenplay I co-wrote with another screenwriter. The co-screenwriter who helped write it, has extensive knowledge in psychiatry and people with mental illness which helped in writing and completing the screenplay. The screenplay is called Fanatic. So let me know what you think of this screenplay, I would appreciate it, thanks, I pasted the link below:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B-wC3QupOBK9UHNsaXdnS3VGa0E/view?usp=sharing

FantasySciFi · Mar 25, 2015

Are you shooting this for yourself? There are shot directions that shouldn't be included in a spec script. Along with some "we see/hear" stuff. On p. 8, you mistakenly write Michael when you meant Katrina. The pacing seems off. While I understand you want to convey some of his back story, you're oversharing too soon. It doesn't feel cohesive. Page 16 we learn from Jimmy that he and Katrina broke up. It was rather boring so I had to skip ahead to p. 90 to see if it was worth the read. I thought the ending was rather anticlimactic.

While I think it has potential, if I were reading it I'd probably give it a consider and recommend significant revision. It's pacing makes it feel plodding. The plot is rather predictable. If you shifted scenes and started with more energy, it would work as you bring up darker elements progressively.

Overall, it's not bad but not yet at the point of recommending for production. Good luck.

kid_filmmaker · Mar 25, 2015

FantasySciFi said:
Are you shooting this for yourself? There are shot directions that shouldn't be included in a spec script. Along with some "we see/hear" stuff. On p. 8, you mistakenly write Michael when you meant Katrina. The pacing seems off. While I understand you want to convey some of his back story, you're oversharing too soon. It doesn't feel cohesive. Page 16 we learn from Jimmy that he and Katrina broke up. It was rather boring so I had to skip ahead to p. 90 to see if it was worth the read. I thought the ending was rather anticlimactic.

While I think it has potential, if I were reading it I'd probably give it a consider and recommend significant revision. It's pacing makes it feel plodding. The plot is rather predictable. If you shifted scenes and started with more energy, it would work as you bring up darker elements progressively.

Overall, it's not bad but not yet at the point of recommending for production. Good luck.

I am shooting this myself and I will say that while I created the plot idea, my co-writer wrote it from start to finish, and I must say, when I looked at the script from start to finish, I kind of felt it would be something expensive to shoot, because of the television studio scene and other scenes and seeing as how this would be my first film, I would like to do something horror wise but is not a lot of money to make and I have this other idea in mind on doing this story on the horror belief of BEK's (black eyed kids), it's not one that many have heard of and I've never seen a film on it and I think it would be great and more so, it wouldn't take a lot of money to make - but so how do I go back and tell my co-writer, this may not be the best screenplay to shoot for a first time filmmaker on low financial resources? Because he is enthused about this idea and may not want to do another story plot.....

Filman · Mar 25, 2015

You say to him let's do it, but let's also get it in top-shape first.

FantasySciFi · Mar 25, 2015

kid_filmmaker said:
I am shooting this myself and I will say that while I created the plot idea, my co-writer wrote it from start to finish, and I must say, when I looked at the script from start to finish, I kind of felt it would be something expensive to shoot, because of the television studio scene and other scenes and seeing as how this would be my first film, I would like to do something horror wise but is not a lot of money to make and I have this other idea in mind on doing this story on the horror belief of BEK's (black eyed kids), it's not one that many have heard of and I've never seen a film on it and I think it would be great and more so, it wouldn't take a lot of money to make - but so how do I go back and tell my co-writer, this may not be the best screenplay to shoot for a first time filmmaker on low financial resources? Because he is enthused about this idea and may not want to do another story plot.....

Be honest. It's best to start with a couple shorts and work up to a feature. Ultimately it comes down to money. Most screenwriters don't think in terms of budget the way producers need. When I work with a producer, one question I ask is what budget ballpark are you considering. Things can change wildly but knowing that helps inform decisions about locations, characters and effects. It doesn't mean you can't make this script down the road, but you need to produce within your budget. Making movies isn't free.

Since this is your first film, there will be a learning curve. You are learning to integrate several skills. So tackling something that is shorter, easier and of interest is a better choice. It gives you faster results. It wouldn't hurt to bring your co-writer on board. The script wasn't terrible but had some newbie mistakes. If s/he would be willing to help with production, it would also help to learn more of the production side of the script and where the money goes.

I hear about the BEK stories and know of a couple of projects but that's not a bad thing. Just like there are variants on the "Russian sleep experiment" circulating around. It's all about weaving a good story. Go for it.

kid_filmmaker · Mar 25, 2015

FantasySciFi said:
Be honest. It's best to start with a couple shorts and work up to a feature. Ultimately it comes down to money. Most screenwriters don't think in terms of budget the way producers need. When I work with a producer, one question I ask is what budget ballpark are you considering. Things can change wildly but knowing that helps inform decisions about locations, characters and effects. It doesn't mean you can't make this script down the road, but you need to produce within your budget. Making movies isn't free.

Since this is your first film, there will be a learning curve. You are learning to integrate several skills. So tackling something that is shorter, easier and of interest is a better choice. It gives you faster results. It wouldn't hurt to bring your co-writer on board. The script wasn't terrible but had some newbie mistakes. If s/he would be willing to help with production, it would also help to learn more of the production side of the script and where the money goes.

I hear about the BEK stories and know of a couple of projects but that's not a bad thing. Just like there are variants on the "Russian sleep experiment" circulating around. It's all about weaving a good story. Go for it.

Ok well I had written the BEK screenplay from before so I'm posting this below, this is one I wrote on my own but personally I like this screenplay better. Maybe, hopefully this is a little better of a screenplay - as far as story being interesting wise:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_Kvoig_0bqMSlRld2RibWJpOUk/view?usp=sharing

FantasySciFi · Mar 25, 2015

The dialogue is way too chatty and on-the-nose. There are also formatting issues. Many of the scenes drag on much longer than necessary. Sam and Michael's dialogue starting pp. 18-20 is deadly. You want to keep dialogue short and tight. Say no more than is needed. Most of that dialogue is redundant and could be summed up more briefly.

Some of the dialogue is on-the-nose. You waste words when you tell the audience what they can see.

Code:

                    OFFICER CAMERON
      That be him sir. Apparently he made
      a very frantic call to 9-1-1 at about 
      three a.m., talking about how "they" 
      were coming for him and apparently 
      others who were here in the house 
      with him. The dispatcher couldn’t find 
      out much about what was going on 
      because he was so hysterical. Then 
      the call went dead, we showed up 
      here - but with the exception of Mr. 
      Roberts’s girlfriend whom we found in 
      the upstairs bedroom closet, there’s
      not a trace of Mr. Roberts or his
      other family members or anyone else
      - anywhere.

Sheriff Collins slowly walks into the living room.

                    OFFICER CAMERON
      There’s just blood all over the house. 
      It looks like a murder massacre 
      happened here. The entire house 
      looks ransacked. Furniture thrown 
      around everywhere, televisions 
      busted. It looks like a horrible fight 
      may have went down here between 
      the family members and the "they" 
      of which Mr. Roberts was referring to.

The audience sees the condition. They heard the 911 call. Cameron can be brief.

Code:

                    OFFICER CAMERON
      No trace of Mr. Roberts.  At first just
      this blood trail until we found his 
      girlfriend upstairs in the bedroom 
      closet.

Sheriff Collins slowly walks into the living room taking in the
wreckage--toss furniture, broken lamps, overturned television.

                    OFFICER CAMERON
      Looks like they put up a helluva fight 
      with whoever Mr. Roberts was reporting.

The biggest challenge with dialogue is to not be too chatty. Pages 7-11 is slow repetitive droning about the girls outside. This could be tightened up to two pages instead of five. So yes, there are pacing issues that will make this drag.

Another issue is that you use dense paragraphs rather than break out shots. So your film is actually longer than you expect. In a properly formatted script, one page is roughly one minute of screen time. So a 60 page script runs 60 minutes.

Code:

A police car pulls into the driveway of a house. Several
other police cars are around the house. Officers, paramedics
and detectives are walking all around the house. A crime
scene photographer is snapping photos of the outside of the
house. The house is surrounded in yellow, police tape. Out
of a police car comes SHERIFF COLLINS (57), a tall, slender,
white male with short, gray hair. Sheriff Collins walks past
several officers, paramedics and detectives and walks into
the house.

Breaking this out into shots:

Code:

The house is surrounded in yellow, police tape. Several other 
police cars are around the house.  Officers, paramedics and
detectives walk around the house. A crime scene photographer 
snaps photos of the outside of the house. 

A police car pulls into the driveway of a house. 

SHERIFF COLLINS (57), a tall, slender, white male with short, 
gray hair exits the car, walks past them and enters the house.

Reading through it, if money is an issue, this script will be an even bigger financial challenge. The special FX will be daunting. Honestly, you want to start with a script of no more than 30 pages. A properly formatted script takes about 2-3 hrs per page to shoot. That's 75 hrs just to shoot. Now most projects you shoot 12 hrs per day, so that about 6 shoot days. And for most hobbyists, that's three weekends to shoot a 30 page short. With a proper script, one page is about one screen minute. So you're looking at three weekends to shoot a half hour short. Add in makeup and special effects and your shot schedule gets stretched out further.

Based on your script, I'm guessing it would be more like 80 pages if properly formatted. Given this is your first film, I'd wager it will be more like 4 hrs/page (which includes makeup), so 320 shoot hours. With a 12 hr shoot day, that 27 shoot days or 14 weekends (about 3.5 months). I'd venture this is a $10K investment minimum.

Maybe, you can tape some of your "youtube clips" and use that as a campaign teaser on Kickstarter to raise money to shoot the film. I'm not trying to discourage but urging you to evaluate what is possible. Keep it simple when you make your first film. Good luck.

kid_filmmaker · Mar 25, 2015

FantasySciFi said:
The dialogue is way too chatty and on-the-nose. There are also formatting issues. Many of the scenes drag on much longer than necessary. Sam and Michael's dialogue starting pp. 18-20 is deadly. You want to keep dialogue short and tight. Say no more than is needed. Most of that dialogue is redundant and could be summed up more briefly.

Some of the dialogue is on-the-nose. You waste words when you tell the audience what they can see.

Code:

OFFICER CAMERON That be him sir. Apparently he made a very frantic call to 9-1-1 at about three a.m., talking about how "they" were coming for him and apparently others who were here in the house with him. The dispatcher couldn’t find out much about what was going on because he was so hysterical. Then the call went dead, we showed up here - but with the exception of Mr. Roberts’s girlfriend whom we found in the upstairs bedroom closet, there’s not a trace of Mr. Roberts or his other family members or anyone else - anywhere. Sheriff Collins slowly walks into the living room. OFFICER CAMERON There’s just blood all over the house. It looks like a murder massacre happened here. The entire house looks ransacked. Furniture thrown around everywhere, televisions busted. It looks like a horrible fight may have went down here between the family members and the "they" of which Mr. Roberts was referring to.

The audience sees the condition. They heard the 911 call. Cameron can be brief.

Code:

OFFICER CAMERON No trace of Mr. Roberts. At first just this blood trail until we found his girlfriend upstairs in the bedroom closet. Sheriff Collins slowly walks into the living room taking in the wreckage--toss furniture, broken lamps, overturned television. OFFICER CAMERON Looks like they put up a helluva fight with whoever Mr. Roberts was reporting.

The biggest challenge with dialogue is to not be too chatty. Pages 7-11 is slow repetitive droning about the girls outside. This could be tightened up to two pages instead of five. So yes, there are pacing issues that will make this drag.

Another issue is that you use dense paragraphs rather than break out shots. So your film is actually longer than you expect. In a properly formatted script, one page is roughly one minute of screen time. So a 60 page script runs 60 minutes.

Code:

A police car pulls into the driveway of a house. Several other police cars are around the house. Officers, paramedics and detectives are walking all around the house. A crime scene photographer is snapping photos of the outside of the house. The house is surrounded in yellow, police tape. Out of a police car comes SHERIFF COLLINS (57), a tall, slender, white male with short, gray hair. Sheriff Collins walks past several officers, paramedics and detectives and walks into the house.

Breaking this out into shots:

Code:

The house is surrounded in yellow, police tape. Several other police cars are around the house. Officers, paramedics and detectives walk around the house. A crime scene photographer snaps photos of the outside of the house. A police car pulls into the driveway of a house. SHERIFF COLLINS (57), a tall, slender, white male with short, gray hair exits the car, walks past them and enters the house.

Reading through it, if money is an issue, this script will be an even bigger financial challenge. The special FX will be daunting. Honestly, you want to start with a script of no more than 30 pages. A properly formatted script takes about 2-3 hrs per page to shoot. That's 75 hrs just to shoot. Now most projects you shoot 12 hrs per day, so that about 6 shoot days. And for most hobbyists, that's three weekends to shoot a 30 page short. With a proper script, one page is about one screen minute. So you're looking at three weekends to shoot a half hour short. Add in makeup and special effects and your shot schedule gets stretched out further.

Based on your script, I'm guessing it would be more like 80 pages if properly formatted. Given this is your first film, I'd wager it will be more like 4 hrs/page (which includes makeup), so 320 shoot hours. With a 12 hr shoot day, that 27 shoot days or 14 weekends (about 3.5 months). I'd venture this is a $10K investment minimum.

Maybe, you can tape some of your "youtube clips" and use that as a campaign teaser on Kickstarter to raise money to shoot the film. I'm not trying to discourage but urging you to evaluate what is possible. Keep it simple when you make your first film. Good luck.

Well I've done several shorts and I want to do a feature now, I really do but maybe since this will be my first feature, I should do something simpler. thank you for your reply though.