This doesn't follow industry formatting. Are you producing this yourself or do you hope to sell this on spec? If to sell, you need to take out all the camera directions. Your text is too dense. Improper use of colon and parentheticals. Overall, a reader would take one look and pass. As a reader, my eye is first drawn to formatting. If it's off, then it doesn't matter what the content is. Experience shows a writer who doesn't attend to format doesn't attend to content. I did, however, read. The dialogue wasn't bad but rather just there. However, the way you direct from inside the script is distracting. That's not your job.
Again, if you're not the director or shooting this yourself, there should be no camera or acting directions. Just tell your story. The paragraphs are too dense combining actions. Be sure that you have releases from the family members. While the piece is based on real events, you could still be sued for defamation of character for your portrayals.
For a first attempt, it shows typical newbie writing errors--"is talking", "begins to", "immediately", etc. Lots of empty adverbs. Some of the dialogue describes what we already see. Some of the paragraphs contain multiple locations that aren't broken out. I think if more accurately formatted, this script would be 4-5 pages longer.
It's not bad but not acceptable to most production readers. It needs a few more passes.
