As I mentioned in other threads, I entered the nicholl fellowship screenwriting competition but unfortunately couldn't enter the 2nd round of the competition. Below is the reader's comment which got out 10 hours ago. I am curious to know what other people take away from this critique. Is it overall a positive review or a negative one ?
This script takes the protagonist, Johnny, to an underground world that just keeps getting more complicated as it goes along. It felt like he was in his own wonderland with a group of people who don’t want him to know the full truth about their world or his purpose.
While Johnny is easy to relate to, some of his motivations could have been more distinctly defined. Although the scene construction was pretty solid, this would have benefited from a stronger structure. It takes a while to get to the core of the story.
The scenes in the beginning where Johnny works for a mobster could have used some streamlining and editing. There is a tendency to allow the characters to ramble on at times and even start shouting at each other. Much of the dialogue could have been depicted with a little more nuance and subtext.
Johnny’s colleague, Marlo, who accompanies him, is a character defined mostly by his very crude and graphic language. Both his behavior and language felt a little over-the-top. Indeed, the tone of this script felt a bit inconsistent, as it can be very comical in one moment, but turn deadly serious very abruptly.
Crafted with some skill, scenes flow nicely into each other. The sequences in the underground world are imaginatively brought to life and this does a good job of escalating the stakes as it moves along.
This script takes the protagonist, Johnny, to an underground world that just keeps getting more complicated as it goes along. It felt like he was in his own wonderland with a group of people who don’t want him to know the full truth about their world or his purpose.
While Johnny is easy to relate to, some of his motivations could have been more distinctly defined. Although the scene construction was pretty solid, this would have benefited from a stronger structure. It takes a while to get to the core of the story.
The scenes in the beginning where Johnny works for a mobster could have used some streamlining and editing. There is a tendency to allow the characters to ramble on at times and even start shouting at each other. Much of the dialogue could have been depicted with a little more nuance and subtext.
Johnny’s colleague, Marlo, who accompanies him, is a character defined mostly by his very crude and graphic language. Both his behavior and language felt a little over-the-top. Indeed, the tone of this script felt a bit inconsistent, as it can be very comical in one moment, but turn deadly serious very abruptly.
Crafted with some skill, scenes flow nicely into each other. The sequences in the underground world are imaginatively brought to life and this does a good job of escalating the stakes as it moves along.
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