Critique first screenplay

Betamax said:

Got to the Dean part and there's a spanish error.

"Conseguido eso?" sounds very strange and it usually goes "Has conseguido eso?" But it's not realy the same thing as "Got that?"

And "got that?" translates a lot easier into "entiendes?" or, if you want to spice it up a little: "¿Me entiendes, hijo de puta?" ("Got that, son of a bitch?") If he's mexican he can spice it up even more by saying "¿Me entiendes, chingón de mierda?" (which roughly translates into "Got that, motherfucker piece of shit?")

BEEP. Sorry.

Hope I was helpful.

edit: Also, you might wanna lose some of the curses in the beginning of the script (I know, it contradicts my post, but whatever), it might scare people away during the first scenes.

And, "Fucker de la madre!"..."works" but isn't necessarily effective.

edit2: Damn. "Concha" could mean "Cunt", depending on the context. But on this one, you should go for "Conchudo".

Ok, I'm gonna stop correcting your spanish curse words now.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the corrections, I do not know Spanish very well, so I just went to babblefish.com. I know I have a lot of cursing, but I love cursing in movies. For me, it seems more realistic, because in my area, everyone cusses for no reason. Thanks again.

Any one have any more comments?

lets just say the fucking dialogue turned me off to your fucking script. so many swear words that they lost effect in about 2 minutes. i would take some of them out. scratch that, i would take MOST of them out.

This script has a lot less cussing then a lot of Rated R scripts, Usual Suspects being the top one that I can remember. I don't even think the cussing is that bad. Cursing alot is what a lot of people do. People cuss randomly when they are mad, distraught, or terrified. I know lots of people will not enjoy it, but I do.

Since i assume these are degenerate type crooks, the swearing doesn't bother me all that much -- though I do think swearing is often overused.

What bothers me more is the flow of the dialogue:

FRED

They're dead! They're fucking dead!
Dead!

TODD

Fucking stop babble like a bitch
and tell me. You talk like you got
a cock in your mouth.

FRED

Michael and Dean! Read the mother
fucking paper!

TODD

You know I don't get the paper.

FRED
(Angry)
Fine! Meet me at the diner in two
hours.

I think Todd would know exactly what Fred is talking about when he says "They're dead." Or at least who he is talking about. His reaction that "you're talking like you have a cock in your mouth" seems false to me.

Also:

Michael and Dean. Read the motherfucking paper!

You know I don't read the paper

Fine, meet me at the diner in two hours.


This seems false to me too. First off why two hours? Why not just say "meet me at the diner."

I think it would be better as:

Michael and Dean. Don't you read the paper?

No.

Meet me at the diner.

I think in general screenwriters should avoid using the phrase "You know I don't..." It's too expository, and in this case completely un-needed.

Another observation -- all the characters are unlikable. Tarantino made this foul-mouthed racist robber thing en vogue, but he made some, if not all, of the characters likable. For instance, in the opening scene, Mr. Pink want to tip and Keitel reads him the riot act, saying how waitresses depend on tips for their livelihood. keitel sticks up for hard-working women which sets him up as the "likable" crook in the script.

These characters are 10x more dislikable than Tarantinos. They have zero redeeming quality (at least by page 10 or so).

I don't care what happens to them and therefore have zero interest in reading on.

T Shipley said:

Another observation -- all the characters are unlikable. Tarantino made this foul-mouthed racist robber thing en vogue, but he made some, if not all, of the characters likable. For instance, in the opening scene, Mr. Pink want to tip and Keitel reads him the riot act, saying how waitresses depend on tips for their livelihood. keitel sticks up for hard-working women which sets him up as the "likable" crook in the script.

These characters are 10x more dislikable than Tarantinos. They have zero redeeming quality (at least by page 10 or so).

I don't care what happens to them and therefore have zero interest in reading on.

Click to expand...

Well this script is meant to be read to the end. So you having read only a few pages means nothing, beacuse I have it put so the begining is at the end. Do you even know why the Masked Man is doing what he is doing? Do you know who the Masked Man is yet? My characters are not even meant to be loveable.

Also, I am not angry at these responses. I think these are helpful. So if I sound angry or mad, I am sorry. I just am giving a reason for why I have things the way they are. When I have time again. I'm going to go back through the script and revise a few things. All suggestions and reviews are helpful.

POLICE LINE: CAUTION MOTHER FUCKER

this is probably the most idiotic line i have ever read in a script. take it out. it makes no sense. also, you are right about the script not having that much swearing in it. i don't mind it anymore. however, the script is so badly written in some parts, it's hard to understand what its going on. also, the mexican guys dialogue is kinda cliche in some parts like "Okay chico...Let's rock." it just sounds forced and doesn't really work. the script is fairy interesting and i get a great sense of atmosphere from your writing, it is perfect in that respect, but there are so many characters introduced and you never really get to know any of them. it's frustrating sorta. i have only gotten to the crime scene so far, but i will read the rest of the script soon and get back to you with more suggestions.