-
Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.
Rye Bread - Six Pages
- Thread starter Loomis
- Start date
It didn't come up for me. Did you enable sharing? It made me log in to Gmail, which is odd.
Missed this post and, yeah, the file didn't come up. Post a PDF?
Google and I haven't been simpatico lately...Hopefully this works.
http://www.mediafire.com/?3hmmtf1hhl2m831
http://www.mediafire.com/?3hmmtf1hhl2m831
Yeah, Google docs tries my patience from time to time. But I got the PDF. 
I liked it but the page 6 totally jumped the track. He blasted the alley from the square (scene page 2), then she approaches him crumpled in the alleyway (scene page 3). She needs to stumble out of the alley or he needs to head back. "Alright. Two more." Legs? Devices? Aliens? Rather than intrigued, I'm left scratching my head.
At first, I was left wondering, is this guy an android? Then I'm thinking why is this guy taking the time to charge this weapon if he's already safely camouflaged in the middle of a New Years celebration? The last thing I'd want is to draw attention. I kind of feel sympathy for the guy, then he turns around and wantonly kills people with this blast. Why? Why would he head back to the alley and not continue off to safety? Then she comes up on him, and she pistol whips him? If she's cutting off his arm and he's going to die, why doesn't she just shoot him? Easier to hack a dead guy. Cutting off her own arm without anaesthesia? I am willing to suspend belief but it's the sort of thing that's nagging in the back of my mind as a viewer, honestly.
It has all the visual elements of a powerful sci-fi segment taken from a film. It lacks in the overall why's. Why is he running? Why is she chasing him? Why doesn't he hide? Why is he shooting at the alley? Why doesn't she just kill him? How many times has this happened before? Why does she want it? What was their relationship? Who else did they work with? Would a real human actually cut off their arm without passing out from the pain without adequate numbing? Why would she do this? Who does she work for? Is she doing this rogue? Why? What other two? Two of what? -- these are just some of the unanswered questions in my mind from your six page sequence.
My sense as a viewer/reader is that you're hiding stuff from me that I need to know to enjoy it. I'm not sure I like the guy and then he dies. I'm not sure I like Gabrielle, she seems pretty cardboard at the moment. The only thing that comes across to me is that the purple tentacles suggest something is living in the metal arm. They actually captured my attention. Everything else seemed pretty typical of an action movie.
There was a question about back story. This is a case where it makes the scenes lack because we have no framework to fit the scenes upon. It's okay to ask the viewer/reader to suspend belief to an extent, but at some point, the viewer simply throws up their hands, walks out or changes the channel.
What would be the logline for this piece? Even a tentative logline suggests the underlying elements needed for a story that need to be resolved.
I don't mean to seem harsh. I can see that you put a lot of work into capturing the visual elements. The dialogue really could be a bit more developed to help answer some of those questions. Have him stumble back from the square into the devastated alley because Travis and Gabrielle shared something in the past. How would I know that? Have him think she's dead and talk to her. He can flip her over and she shoots him. Then she talks to him as he's dying. Then she cuts off his arm. She's sitting in that room, have her talk to the arm. Expose any emotional turmoil. It's a great sequence; you just need to fill in some of the pieces of the puzzle. I get the sense you have the back story or context in your head. You just need to share some of that with the audience. Doing that, we'll also have more understanding of the characters, so they won't be quite so cardboard action-figure like. It gives a sense of how we got to this point and where the story would lead.
For example, she "shares" that two more arms exist that the Agency will spare no effort to get to control the world, unless she gets them first. "Alright. Two more." It doesn't require you actually show her doing it, but as a viewer, I now know she is on a mission to stop the Agency and save the world. It satisfies a sense of why and what even without the finality. You can resolve the theme without resolving the plot.
At first, I was left wondering, is this guy an android? Then I'm thinking why is this guy taking the time to charge this weapon if he's already safely camouflaged in the middle of a New Years celebration? The last thing I'd want is to draw attention. I kind of feel sympathy for the guy, then he turns around and wantonly kills people with this blast. Why? Why would he head back to the alley and not continue off to safety? Then she comes up on him, and she pistol whips him? If she's cutting off his arm and he's going to die, why doesn't she just shoot him? Easier to hack a dead guy. Cutting off her own arm without anaesthesia? I am willing to suspend belief but it's the sort of thing that's nagging in the back of my mind as a viewer, honestly.
It has all the visual elements of a powerful sci-fi segment taken from a film. It lacks in the overall why's. Why is he running? Why is she chasing him? Why doesn't he hide? Why is he shooting at the alley? Why doesn't she just kill him? How many times has this happened before? Why does she want it? What was their relationship? Who else did they work with? Would a real human actually cut off their arm without passing out from the pain without adequate numbing? Why would she do this? Who does she work for? Is she doing this rogue? Why? What other two? Two of what? -- these are just some of the unanswered questions in my mind from your six page sequence.
My sense as a viewer/reader is that you're hiding stuff from me that I need to know to enjoy it. I'm not sure I like the guy and then he dies. I'm not sure I like Gabrielle, she seems pretty cardboard at the moment. The only thing that comes across to me is that the purple tentacles suggest something is living in the metal arm. They actually captured my attention. Everything else seemed pretty typical of an action movie.
There was a question about back story. This is a case where it makes the scenes lack because we have no framework to fit the scenes upon. It's okay to ask the viewer/reader to suspend belief to an extent, but at some point, the viewer simply throws up their hands, walks out or changes the channel.
What would be the logline for this piece? Even a tentative logline suggests the underlying elements needed for a story that need to be resolved.
I don't mean to seem harsh. I can see that you put a lot of work into capturing the visual elements. The dialogue really could be a bit more developed to help answer some of those questions. Have him stumble back from the square into the devastated alley because Travis and Gabrielle shared something in the past. How would I know that? Have him think she's dead and talk to her. He can flip her over and she shoots him. Then she talks to him as he's dying. Then she cuts off his arm. She's sitting in that room, have her talk to the arm. Expose any emotional turmoil. It's a great sequence; you just need to fill in some of the pieces of the puzzle. I get the sense you have the back story or context in your head. You just need to share some of that with the audience. Doing that, we'll also have more understanding of the characters, so they won't be quite so cardboard action-figure like. It gives a sense of how we got to this point and where the story would lead.
For example, she "shares" that two more arms exist that the Agency will spare no effort to get to control the world, unless she gets them first. "Alright. Two more." It doesn't require you actually show her doing it, but as a viewer, I now know she is on a mission to stop the Agency and save the world. It satisfies a sense of why and what even without the finality. You can resolve the theme without resolving the plot.
Last edited:
Thanks SciFi. This was an experiment in writing an action heavy sequence. That information may have been helpful.
I may be misreading your comment, but I mention Gabrielle stumbling out of the alley:
Perhaps more clarity was needed. Apparently, a good deal more.
I felt the bit with him calling her Gabby insinuated something similar.
After she hits Travis I should have had her say "I need you breathing not conscious" or something in that line. Still ambiguous but helpful.
The way she cut off her arm was meant to be a hint of sorts that she's not 100% natural. I think making the line "Alright. Only two more." and showing her eyes in the mirror function in robotic way would've made it clear.
Again, I wanted ambiguity, but overdid it. Good to know.
Thanks again, SciFi.
I may be misreading your comment, but I mention Gabrielle stumbling out of the alley:
Code:
Her fingers meet the grip of the .38. She lets her wits return before standing and stumbling out of the alley.Perhaps more clarity was needed. Apparently, a good deal more.
I felt the bit with him calling her Gabby insinuated something similar.
After she hits Travis I should have had her say "I need you breathing not conscious" or something in that line. Still ambiguous but helpful.
The way she cut off her arm was meant to be a hint of sorts that she's not 100% natural. I think making the line "Alright. Only two more." and showing her eyes in the mirror function in robotic way would've made it clear.
Again, I wanted ambiguity, but overdid it. Good to know.
Thanks again, SciFi.
You did a good job with the action piece.
The issue is not so much her as him. Let me clarify by quoting from your script:
Did she walk into the City Square (green) or did he somehow get up and walk towards the alleyway (red). Be careful with the continuous designation.
Underworld has some excellent sequences where you see that familiarity displayed in action. She could smile at him, touch his face lovingly, then knock him unconscious with the butt of her gun. "Sorry, lover, I need you breathing, not conscious." Excellent, I love it. Now you are giving me a sense of her, their relationship, and why she didn't just shoot him. Even though it's an action sequence, don't impoverish the dialogue or characterization.
In the Terminator series, we have a clear idea of the mission of the terminator(s). The suspense and action arises from the obstacles. In your sequence, does that mean he's also not 100% natural?
"She stares at the soon to be corpse ... " (p.3). I think it would be cool to have her drive away at the end then flash back and have him standing in the shadows, one-armed and angry as hell.
It's an awesome action sequence. Just lose some of the ambiguity. Trust me, it won't hurt your plot at all. It will draw in your audience. Finding out she's not human, that throws a wrench in the works. Having him pop up as not human, I think, would raise the stakes. Now there's conflict on the subjective level (their relationship) and the objective level (her mission).
Good work.
Last edited:
Wow if you two joined forces you could be the next James Cameron. I agree that it is ambiguous in places, maybe the relationship between Gabrielle and Travis could be fleshed out. I had a hard time figuring out who the good guy was. She must have nerves of steel to not make any grunts when she cuts her own arm off, but that would work really well if she is actually is an cybernetic organism. All in all a great chase scene, I'd almost want it to be a little longer and Terminatoresque, this seems like a snapshot. Good one, I like.