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Old 05-10-2016, 01:02 PM   #1
mikemintzdj
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How are these first five pages?

INT. HOUSE, KITCHEN (NIGHT)

On the counter lies a sketched drawing of a strange bat like creature and a printed out e-mail of a rejection letter from the California Institute of Art.

The phone rings in the background

PHONE (O.C.)
Call from Dad

Answering machine picks up and the tape starts recording

DAD (O.C)
Bram we got another call today from the credit card company. It's the 6th one this week. (deep breath) Listen, I know this is your dream, but c'mon your 35, maybe it's time to grow up and get a real job. Why don't you come work with me and your brother at the auto body shop? I could use yo..

Bram turns off the answering machine mid message. He slightly shakes his head and frowns. He is upset.
Bram pulls up his chair and sits back down at the table, an easel is visible in the background. Bram begins to draw on a piece of paper. He catches a glimpse of a bat like creature out of the corner of his eye but it disappears. He shakes his head thinking that he is seeing things. He puts his head down on the table. His sadness turns to anger and he crumples the paper up and throws it towards the trash basket. Many crumpled up pieces of paper are shown in and around the trash basket that is next to a box that has the words “Direct Diet” printed on it.

INT. KITCHEN (DAY)

Sunlight is coming through the kitchen window while Bram fries an egg

RADIO (O.C.)
...well that is enough about the Kardashians. Hey have you heard about the big recall on the Direct Diet products? You know that big prepared meal business that sends meals in the mail. Well apparently there has been some very strange side effects that can occur. So if you have that stuff...

Bram plates his omelet and turns off radio. He sits down at table but before he can eat, his cell phone beeps. It is a message from Bic. "Meet me at the bridge in 20. I got something to show you."

EXT. BRIDGE (DAY)
Bic is looking over the bridge railing as he waits. Bram comes up from behind him. For a split second the image of a bat like creature appears over the bridge and then disappears.

BRAM
The bridge again Bic, you're becoming predictable.

BIC
I like the bridge its

BIC AND BRAM
Calming (said at the same time)

BRAM
Yeah I know,

BIC
Everything all right there guy? (sensing his anger)

BRAM
Sorry it's my dad. Actually you know what, it's not my dad, it's me.


BIC
What are you talking about?

BRAM
Don't you ever get sick of being a starving artist? I mean come on Bic you are almost 40 and living in a friend’s basement, don't you want more out of life?

BIC
I'm doing what I love

BRAM
You love being poor? Grow up.

BIC
I figured out of anybody you would understand this. Growing up means to take care of your responsibilities, it doesn't mean to give up on your dreams. Somewhere along the line someone got it into your head that if you have the talent and you work hard and put in the effort that everything will just come to you. Well wake up, the world doesn't work like that.


BRAM
Yeah?

BIC
Yeah. And another thing, if your dream is to have a bunch of money and everything you have ever wanted, well then maybe you should give up on that.

BRAM
Whatever man, you know what, I'm out of here.

Bram storms off.

Bic, alone now, pulls out an envelope from the California Institute of Art.

INT. KITCHEN (NIGHT)

Bram is packing up all of his drawing stuff. His cell phone rings, it is Bic calling. Bram ignores it. He grabs his coat and leaves.

INT. BAR (NIGHT)

Many people are drinking and having fun, Bram is sitting across from a girl.

GIRL
So I've seen you in here a few time, I'm glad you finally bought me a drink.

BRAM
Yeah well, you looked thirsty. (They laugh)

Bram is sketching on a napkin. It is a bat like creature.


GIRL
So what do you do?

BRAM
I uh. I work at an auto repair shop (he lies). It's my fathers, but I plan on taking the place over in the next couple of years.


GIRL
Really? That is so cool, you got it all figured out.


BRAM
Yeah.

The girl reaches over and touches his hand then grabs the napkin and looks at the drawing.

GIRL
Wow! This is really good; you are super talented. Hey, can I keep this?


BRAM
I'm sure we can work out a deal. (Both laugh)

EXT. STREET (NIGHT)

Bram is walking down the street smiling big, he has the girls number on a napkin that he looks at then stuffs in his pocket. He turns down an alley. Something catches his eye and he looks up quickly.
At the end of the alley a big bat like creature just like the one that he sketched is standing. Bram backs up scared. Then he shakes his head and rubs his eyes. He stares in disbelief, holding his pen as a weapon in self
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Old 05-10-2016, 01:03 PM   #2
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I can also send you a dropbox link to a PDF if this is difficult to read. Not exactly the best way to read a script.
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Old 05-10-2016, 08:51 PM   #3
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Is it a short? If not, I think you're introducing the weird threat to full view a bit too soon. I'd like to get to know Bram better through his actions rather than just a few conversations before the big reveal. I think if I were writing this I'd want the viewer to really feel his frustration more pointedly than these pages portray.
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Old 05-11-2016, 08:56 AM   #4
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Really excellent points. That gave me a really good idea, I am going to go back and re-write some of this. Thanks!
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Old 05-11-2016, 09:22 AM   #5
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No problem

So is it a short?
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Old 05-11-2016, 09:47 AM   #6
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Well, my States film festival deadline is the middle of July. So I was hoping to get something filmed and put in for that, so I wrote this as a short initially. However, I feel like there is actually a lot of story to tell in there. Additionally this type of story is not typically my style, so I was hoping I could find some feedback to help guide me, and so far it's been great.
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Old 12-10-2016, 02:12 PM   #7
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Next time, put it on a PDF, or a link. Most scripts are written in Courier Sans MS, because it's easier to read. There are also some errors in the formatting, and grammar, starting with the fact that you're supposed to number each shot, to divide them. This reads a lot like a play script, and not like a screenplay. You should also include some specifics about shot angles, so in other words you have some research to do.

Story wise, I think it's a bit cliche; the "starving artist" stereotype, but I like the idea of the creature that he's sketching coming to life mysteriously. Just please don't make it a normal monster that's going to kill him, make it something significant.

That's all I have. Keep working on it! Next time, show me a complete draft.
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Old 12-10-2016, 02:28 PM   #8
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Hey thanks! It's funny cuz I wrote this a while ago. And coming back to it now, there are parts that make me cringe. I agree with your feedback, and thanks for giving it! This one seems like a pretty popular idea, so I'm going to bust a few other scripts to get some practice, before I dive into this one
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Old 12-11-2016, 11:30 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikemintzdj View Post
And coming back to it now, there are parts that make me cringe.
Ain't that the truth! A little time passes and we see our own flaws
much better. I never show anyone anything before my forth draft.
And even then it always needs work.

Did you make your states film festival deadline?
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Old 12-11-2016, 11:36 AM   #10
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Yes, but not this particular short. I have put this one the back burner. However I did finish a short in time for a different film festival in the same state. It's a humorous scary short. Titled the Petulant Penguin. That festival is in January, and the notification date is Thursday, so fingers crossed!

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Old 12-11-2016, 02:46 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dane_Morgoran View Post
............... There are also some errors in the formatting, and grammar, starting with the fact that you're supposed to number each shot, to divide them. This reads a lot like a play script, and not like a screenplay. You should also include some specifics about shot angles, so in other words you have some research to do.
.............
I'm no expert on screenplays or scripts, but the ones I read (like Interstellar by Nolan) have 0 shot numbers and 0 notes on angles in it. So either sreenplay is not the same as script or you are referring to a screenplay that has written notes from the director and DOP all over it?
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Old 12-11-2016, 04:18 PM   #12
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I think it would require an entire college degree to understand the intricacies of screenplays. It seems there are a variety of opinions on what and not to do, and the only consistency is that mine are bad.
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Old 12-11-2016, 04:36 PM   #13
mlesemann
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Screenplays/scripts should not have camera angles.

Only the shooting script - which is prepared right before you go into production - should have scene numbers.
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Old 12-12-2016, 12:16 AM   #14
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Just a couple of notes. There didn't seem to be reaction from the protag up until he sees the actual creature in the alley. Maybe I'm wrong but most people if they started seeing things and he's actually sketching it, would be disconcerted by it.

The other item is the dialogue between Bic and Bram needs to be a bit tighter.

In fact if you think the first is a good suggestion you can maybe use it as a springboard to Bic/Bram's convo. in a "you ever see things out of the corner of your eye/like you think you see something and when you turn, it's gone?" and maybe parlay it into Bic diagnosing the stress is getting to him and he should maybe take his dad up on his offer. Which that would transition nicely to the party conversation about his job.

Just some ideas.
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