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Quirky Comedy Short (2.5 pages) - any feedback?

T

TheProducer

Hi! I wrote this short film after throwing around some crazy ideas with my husband one day and I really like it. In fact, months or even a year after writing it I still laugh every time I read it because I can see it so well in my head. The question is, can you? I'm looking for feedback on

a) is it funny to other people?
b) does any part need to be re-written?
and c) to settle an argument with my husband (also a screenwriter) - do you think it ought to be filmed or animated?
Questions welcome!
Here's the script: http://bit.ly/ry7XGp (it's a quick read, less than 3 pages)

Thank you so much for reading it and any feedback you want to give - even a one-liner would be appreciated.
 
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In my opinion it is entertaining, and it is refreshing to read a script without typos.
1. Yes, to me.
2. The only part I had trouble picturing was when Zygoat bit the bow. I picture the goat standing on its hind legs. Possibly hard to film?
3. I vote for film.
 
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Thanks jrsmithson for your feedback! Yes I know what you mean about the typos... mistakes do happen but I'm kind of obsessive about correct written English (to the dismay of my husband lol)
 
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A) Not to me.
B) There's a couple little things, but its just nicky-nack stuff.
C) This would be funnier filmed. It would be totally unfunny as an animation.

This whole thing reminds me of a Monty Python sketch, but without the pop. Maybe a different ending?

Here's one: Okay, the goat eats the bow. Everyone is belligerently frantic. The panic reaches

its apex when the goat gets startled. It turns and trots away. This reveals the biggest set of

goat nuts you ever seen. The crowd is stunned, one by one, into silence. Then one by one

they begin to chuckle at the bouncy goat balls. The laughter builds to a boiling point. The goat

stops in its tracks. Everyone is silenced. The goat begins to pee. Everyone stares mortified.

The goat finishes peeing. He stands still. Everyone leans in, expectingly. The goats tail

twitches. The goat farts. Eyes are wide. Thuderous laughter breaks out. People fall over

themselves. The goat trots away.


To me, that would be funny, if executed properly. This would need to be filmed as well. I guess people have different ideas about humor. :) Thank you for sharing.
 
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It seems that you should break some things up and use a couple of commas, i.e.

Sweeping shot across the stunningly colorful hilly/mountainous backdrop.

Rest on a goat, [dressed] in an elaborate, gaudy headress, standing in the middle of the country lane. (What are the sounds of nature?) The goat looks harmless and bored.

Fiona, a middle-aged woman, exits her house and walks down her garden path...

The goat steps towards the crowd.

The Crowd shuffle closer an equal distance.

CU of crowd looking worried, anxious, etc. cut with CU of the goat's head.


Though to answer your questions:

a) Not really to me.
b) I do think some it does need to be, as mentioned above
c) Filmed
 
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