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5 minutes, one scene short movie - the life coach

S

Stefanovic

First of all sorry about the formatting. I've been copying from celtx. This is a short one scene movie on how an undercover agent arrests a life coach not paying taxes. It's the type of lifecoach telling everyone the same shit like: you're wonderful, you're great,.....




Code: 
INT. ALiCE's OFFICE - DAY
Life coach Alice Parker ( 50, medium long blonde hair, wearing a diamond neckless, long black designer dress and high heel shoes) sits on her fancy white long couch in a huge living room full of designer furniture. Alice works on her laptop as the bell rings. She stands up, walks to the door, checks her looks in the mirror right next the to door and opens the door. Michael Lewis ( 40, tall business man, wearing a dark suit) stands in her doorway.
ALICE
Mister Lewis, nice to meet you
Alice shakes Michael's hand
Michael
Morning, Mrs. Parker, may I?
ALICE
You can have a seat
Alice and Michael walk over to Alice's couch
MICHAEL
Thanks
Michael and Alice sit down
ALICE
Can I get you some tea?
MICHAEL
Sure
Alice grabs the tea-pot standing on the saloon table and poors some tea in a golden cup.
MICHAEL
Could you tell me a bit more about your sessions?
ALICE
I'm a life coach, I literally teach you how to make most out of life
MICHAEL
sounds great, so where do we start?
ALICE
Michael Lewis, you're a wonderful person
MICHAEL
I'm not
Alice grabs Michael's hand
ALICE
( screams)
then shut the fuck up, because I'm here to say you are
MICHAEL
It's your job
ALICE
Exactly, have I told you how great you smell
Alice takes off a shoulder strap
MICHAEL
Are you a prostitute?
Alice laughs out loud and massages Michael's shoulders
ALICE
Relax, I want you to loosen up. So let me repeat: you're a wonderful person
MICHAEL
How wonderful exactly?
Alice sits next to Michael
ALICE
How much money do you have?
MICHAEL
I beg your pardon?
ALICE
You checked the prizes, didn't you?
MICHAEL
A 1000 dollars for one fifty minutes session
ALICE
You're a smart guy and for an extra 500, I'll give you a full personality analysis
MICHAEL
well, let's start all over again
ALICE
You're an amazing person, you were born to shine and your goodness is so inspiring for your loved ones. I'm sure you've had a big impact on their lives as well
MICHAEL
I actually have
ALICE
It only proves how great you are
MICHAEL
That's a strange definition of greatness. I've actually killed my wife and four kids.
ALICE
Oh that's....
Alice hyperventilates
MICHAEL
very unprofessional for a life coach, isn't it?
ALICE
No, it's not. I repeat: you're a great person. The ashes of your loved ones have gone to a better place. I'm sure of that.
MICHAEL
There's nothing like their ashes
ALICE
So they're uh?
MICHAEL
I preserve them in my freezer
ALICE
Do you have them for dinner?
MICHAEL
I preserve them I said. Besides, who the hell would fuck half a wife?
ALICE
So you still have sex?
MICHAEL
For sure, am I still that wonderful person?
ALICE
I believe there's something good in all of us
MICHAEL
But you're no longer convinced I'm totally wonderful
ALICE
You've done horrible things, Mister Lewis
MICHAEL
So how many sessions would it take to get back to normal?
ALICE
Can you pay in advance?
MICHAEL
How much?
ALICE
10 000 dollars plus 50 for the tea
MICHAEL
What?
ALICE
It was served in a golden cup
MICHAEL
I'll take my credit card
ALICE
Sorry but I only accept cash money
MICHAEL
From all of your clients?
ALICE
No one likes to pay taxes, honey
MICHAEL
Mrs. Parker, you're a horrible person. Do you know how many people live in the streets because you don't pay any taxes
ALICE
(shouts)
How could you? besides, it's not none of your business
MICHAEL
Oh yes it is
ALICE
(shouts)
I want you to pay now
Michael takes a recorder and official police card out of his pocket
MICHAEL
I'm officer Walters. You're under arrest
 
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No offense, but it's really boring. Nothing happens, we don't care about the guy. We aren't sure if we should like the customer or the coach. I see that you tried for a twist, but since nobody cares about him, the twist has no emotional appeal. the climax is about taxes, pretty boring.. perhaps the coach pulls a gun on the cop.
 
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EngelsProduction said:
No offense, but it's really boring. Nothing happens, we don't care about the guy. We aren't sure if we should like the customer or the coach. I see that you tried for a twist, but since nobody cares about him, the twist has no emotional appeal. the climax is about taxes, pretty boring.. perhaps the coach pulls a gun on the cop.
Click to expand...

as if in the end, the life coach had her own sort of insurance against these type of guys? She puts a gun against his head, begs him to destroy the recorder, walks to the door as she keeps holding the gun against his head. Then she received a phonecall from the head officer that even though the recorder got damaged, the conversation has been registered online and that she'll get arrested not only for the taxing issue but also for murder attempt.

Just an idea.
 
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PS How would you suggest making a viewer like the client and not the life coach ( she's the uberbitch in the story). Of course when he says he killed his wife and kids, it's a joke and people should know it's a joke, only the life coach has no sense of humour and tries to talk her out of it.
 
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REVIEW

- Mister could be shortened to Mr. when you desperately need all the white space you can get in this scene.
- I like the "May I" line, it is short and snappy way of getting over request to sit.
- Could not "Alice and Michael walk over to Alice's Couch to sit down" and Michael and Alice sit down" be combined and reduced?
- If the tea is already there, could not it be reduced to "tea"? or is this necessar for the character's style?
- "sounds great" misses a capital at the start.
- " then shut" line lacks capital and has spare blank at start.
- Should it not be "You'll take my credit card?" not "I'll take my credit card?"
- Unless it is actually true, would not Michael actually use "maybe" instead of saying that he has actually killed his wife and kids?
- Fundamental flaw - (One tends to find this in many non-flying scripts) people, particular like those in this script rarely wait for others to finish their sentences before the other speaks. Although its tough for actors, heck, that's there job, writing with various interrupts massively speeds up the script adds tons of white space and could help this become more interesting.
- Beware of using the term "personality analysis"... makes her sound a bit too much like a Scientologist (they tend to do a lot of "personality tests" and analysis.)

Look, the scene does not work in large part as it needs to be speeded up. Trying to shrink its size might speed it up substantially.

Yes, I do think that this is worth pursuing.
 
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The bottom line is: this life coach should be the type of person you should expect to be a member of scientology, patronizing any client.
Do you think it's a good idea to add the "gun" scene.

So basically, she should be the one dominating the conversation and starts talking before he can finish his sentence?
 
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Word of advice... 6% of all money spent on lawyers in the US today is on cases relating to scientology. Any connection to either praising or condemning or relating to them makes your screenplay instantly utterly unsalable. NO ONE WILL TOUCH IT ---EVER!!!
 
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Stefanovic said:
The bottom line is: this life coach should be the type of person you should expect to be a member of scientology, patronizing any client.
Do you think it's a good idea to add the "gun" scene.

So basically, she should be the one dominating the conversation and starts talking before he can finish his sentence?
Click to expand...

You choose, you're the writer, however, despite what I said, be careful not to go too far in interrupting. You don't want it to sound like two people reading telegrams!

Also, if patronising, maybe using other synonyms for wonderful rather than just hammering away at these two adjectives might make it a bit more realistic and less tedious and long.
 
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Stefanovic said:
I'm not saying she should be a scientologist but the type of life coach that could be a scientologist. Not all greedy and corrupt lifecoaches are scientologists.
Click to expand...

...Exactly my point... which was actually a minor one, it was just that specific phrase might be better retermed. That was all.

:)

(PS Don't worry about the doubts, you are doing well)
 
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I changed a few things. Still wonder if it wouldn't be over the top to add a scene with a gun?


Code: 
 ​
 ​
INT. ALiCE's OFFICE - DAY
Life coach ALICE PARKER ( 50, medium long blonde hair, wearing a diamond neckless, long black designer dress and high heel shoes) sits on her fancy white long couch in a huge living room full of designer furniture. Alice works on her laptop as the bell rings. She stands up, walks to the door, checks her looks in the mirror right next the to door and opens the door. MICHAEL LEWIS( 40, tall business man, wearing a dark suit) stands in her doorway.
ALICE
Mr. Lewis, nice to meet you
Alice shakes Michael's hand
MICHAEL
Morning, Mrs. Parker, may I?
ALICE
You can have a seat
Alice and Michael walk over to Alice's couch
MICHAEL
Thanks
Michael and Alice sit down
ALICE
Tea?
MICHAEL
Sure
Alice grabs the tea-pot standing on the saloon table and poors some tea in a golden cup.
MICHAEL
Could you tell me a bit more about your sessions?
ALICE
I'm a life coach, I literally teach you how to make most out of life
MICHAEL
sounds great, so where do we...?
ALICE
Michael Lewis, you're a mindblowing creature
MICHAEL
I'm not. Actually I'm....
Alice grabs Michael's hand
ALICE
( screams)
Oh shut the fuck up and let me prove how impressive you are
MICHAEL
That's your job and uh....
ALICE
Have I told you how great you smell
Alice takes off a shoulder strap
MICHAEL
Are you a prostitute?
Alice laughs out loud and massages Michael's shoulders
ALICE
Relax, I want you to loosen up. So let me repeat: you're a mindblowing creature.
MICHAEL
Have I blown your mind as I don't want to...
Alice sits next to Michael
ALICE
How much money do you have?
MICHAEL
I beg your pardon?
ALICE
You checked the prizes, didn't you?
MICHAEL
A 1000 dollars for one fifty minutes session
ALICE
You're a smart guy and for an extra 500, I'll give you a full personality analysis
MICHAEL
well, let's start all over again
ALICE
You're a mindblowing creature, born to shine and your goodness is freakingly inspiring for your loved ones. I'm sure you've had a big impact on their lives as well
MICHAEL
I actually have
ALICE
It only proves how great you are
MICHAEL
That's a strange definition of greatness. Maybe I've actually killed my wife and four kids.
ALICE
Oh that's....
Alice hyperventilates
MICHAEL
very unprofessional for a life coach, isn't it?
ALICE
No, it's not. I repeat: you're a great person. The ashes of your loved ones have gone to a better place. I'm sure of that.
MICHAEL
What if there's nothing like their ashes?
ALICE
So they're uh?
MICHAEL
I could preserve them in my freezer
ALICE
Do you have them for dinner?
MICHAEL
I preserve them I said. Besides, who the hell would fuck half a wife?
ALICE
So you still have sex?
MICHAEL
For sure, am I still that wonderful person?
ALICE
I believe there's something good in all of us
MICHAEL
But you're no longer convinced I'm totally mindblowing
ALICE
You've done horrible things, Mr. Lewis
MICHAEL
So how many sessions would it take to get back to normal?
ALICE
Can you pay in advance?
MICHAEL
How much?
ALICE
10 000 dollars plus 50 for the tea
MICHAEL
What?
ALICE
It was served in a golden cup
MICHAEL
You'll take my credit card
ALICE
Sorry but I only accept cash money
MICHAEL
From all of your clients?
ALICE
No one likes to pay taxes, honey
MICHAEL
Mrs. Parker, you're a horrible person. Do you know how many people live in the streets because you don't pay any taxes
ALICE
(shouts)
How could you? besides, it's not none of your business
MICHAEL
Oh yes it is
ALICE
(shouts)
I want you to pay now
Michael takes a recorder and official police card out of his pocket
MICHAEL
I'm officer Walters. You're under arrest
​
 
Last edited:
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- Why does he take the recorder out of his pocket? Might he not just show it?

- Regarding my previous commetns, mindblowing is maybe going to far, but I do think yoy are on the right track there.

CENTRAL PROBLEM - We are reading this scene in isolation. Without the rest of the script it is hard to tell whether the words like "mindblowing" are appropriate to the character, however, if you can speed it up through judicous wording I believe it will help.

(Even so, it all sounds rather better than it did at first)

Best wishes!
 
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Editor said:
- Why does he take the recorder out of his pocket? Might he not just show it?

- Regarding my previous commetns, mindblowing is maybe going to far, but I do think yoy are on the right track there.

CENTRAL PROBLEM - We are reading this scene in isolation. Without the rest of the script it is hard to tell whether the words like "mindblowing" are appropriate to the character, however, if you can speed it up through judicous wording I believe it will help.

(Even so, it all sounds rather better than it did at first)

Best wishes!
Click to expand...

It's actually a one scene five minutes movie. So this should be it, that's why I was considering an extra scene with Alice taking a gun she had been hiding underneath her couch. As a viewer it's also important not to know he's an undercover agent. People should think he's just another client and she's just using the same language she's using with her other clients but he turns out to be someone she would never expect ( and if I'd use the gun scene, then it would show how well she's prepared to any kind of client)

He cannot come in and show the recorder or she would know about his intentions immediately.
 
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You misunderstand what I meant. I did not mean that he should come in and show her the tape recorded. What I meant was that when he does show her the tape recorder, yodon't use show her the tape recorder, you have him take it out. in such circumstance, the Police would be wired up so it would be a true struggle to take it completely out.

Also, instead of a separate scene, you could have the gun bit put on the front. For example, she could see him arriving, check she has her gun under a pillow then admit him.

Also, you said a 5 minute scene... general view is that scenes should be about 3 to 4 minutes. Over 4.5 minutes and its too long to hold the viewers attention.

Also, one curious thought struck me. Ever considered this as an adult animation?
 
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Its the word TAKE rather than show or reveal is not too good.

Also, you need the ending snappier. Why does he say "I'm oficer Walters" instead of, say, just "Officer Walters"
 
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Also, you state in the description "Life Coach Alice" - there is no way to convey this nor do you need to as she states it further down. Alternatively, you could have it on a business card.

Also, surely it would not be a Ploice Officer in this instance, but a man from the IRS. So would it not be "Officer Walters, IRS?"
 
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Your description of Alice and Walters is weak on opening. Indeed, if you have Officer Walters described as being someone who looks anything but IRS or officialdom, it would surely enhance the impact at the end. Maybe if you checked up on descriptions of known serial killers, it would allow you to perform a more effective punch when he is revealed to be the good (well, for many that would be debatable!) guy.
 
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Thanks, so you should dress him up in more casual clothes. If Alice checks on the gun before he comes in, spectators would know she's the bad one in this. Wouldn't that be more predictable if she'd put the gun against his head later on?
 
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Stefanovic said:
Thanks, so you should dress him up in more casual clothes. If Alice checks on the gun before he comes in, spectators would know she's the bad one in this. Wouldn't that be more predictable if she'd put the gun against his head later on?
Click to expand...
You suggested a separate scene of rhte gun, I am merely suggesting ideas on how to weld it onto the fornt of the existing one. At the end of the day,however, you are the writer who should be finding a way. (Alternatively, off the top of my head, have you considered another thing other than the gun, eg a taser? - They look way more defensive)
 
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