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Feedback on this script?

Hello my name is Mark i'm 17 and I'd like to make movies someday. I mean as everyone on this forum would like to i'm sure. I've always made my own stories writing and drawing or whatever but i'd take writing seriously until about a year ago. The script that you'll read is a re-write of an older script i did about a year ago. I usually don't write comedies anymore because I wanted to a "real" writer and stuff with some drama and no comedy. yeah that's stupid. I want to try to film this if possible. Anyway I hope you enjoy it I had fun writing it. Give feedback on anything that you think isn't right or could use work. I appreciate it. Thank you. :)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0ByJPoBCImdApVV9hOERWdnBITjg/view?usp=sharing
 
Hi Mark, welcome to the forum. Writing a film script is different from writing a short story. And while similar to a play in some ways, the focus is more on visuals and action than dialogue. And unfortunately, spelling and grammar are also important. A script is a blueprint for the film though can be changed during the production process. As a tool, it serves to plan budget, schedules, props, locations, lighting, etc. While a script you plan to film yourself can be less than perfect, if you pursue your passion, you will need to master certain skills.

One, dialogue should be succinct and less "on the nose" (telling exactly what we're seeing or what the characters are thinking). While your characters may have bad grammar, do try to use proper spelling when not emphasizing an accent. The script is used (and judged) by many people--director, actors, producers and other crew.

If you want to improve, read books on writing screenplays, read published screenplays, take writing workshops. I also urge new writers to work on actual film sets and take acting lessons. In the writing process, you're acting inside your head each of your characters. On set, you get a strong sense of how directors, actors and crew work with scripts.

Now for your script. Too much dialogue and not enough action. The first couple pages didn't capture my attention. Think about it as a TV episode. How long do you watch something to see if you're going to like it? You need to keep that in mind. Next you need to develop your characters. New writers like to rush into the action without giving any sense of the characters. Take some time to let the audience get interested in them.

One way I evaluate a script is to see if I can make sense of a scene with the dialogue removed (kind of like muting the TV). Here's your first three pages:
Code:
Three kids, CASEY,STEVE, and DANTE are sitting on sofas
watching T.V. and eating snacks.
Casey motions for Steve to give him his drink.
a pause of silence.
Dante is interrupted.
Dante whips out his cell phone and starts dailing.
Casey grabs the phone and can see Albert’s name and number
scrolled across the top.
Dante snatches the phone back.
Nothing in that suggests that the three are hatching a plot to break into the school. Worse, it does nothing to describe the characters. I read "three kids" and thought grade school. Later I learn they're high school seniors and Casey is black. These are descriptions that need to go up there when we first meet them. Let's talk dialogue.

Everyday dialogue is highly repetitive. Social scientists have measured that 70-80% of conversation simply repeats itself. Real dialogue drags on the screen. So it needs to be more focused. As an example from your script:
Code:
                             DANTE
             No no don’t worry like I said I
             have a plan.

                             CASEY
             OK let’s hear it.

                             DANTE
             Ok well first we’re gonna need to
             disguise ourselves.

                             CASEY
             Right I’m listening.

                             DANTE
             So we’re gonna need some face
             paint. Steve do you still have some
             left over from Halloween?

                             STEVE
             Yeah in my room.

                             CASEY
             Why are helping him?

                             DANTE
             Next we’ll need some costumes, we
             can just use our gym clothes from

                             CASEY
             Oh yeah wearing the school’s p.e.
             uniforms they’ll never know its us.

                             DANTE
             Steve you can keep while Casey and
             I break..
Of course we're going to hear the plan. That doesn't need to be said. We're all wondering, like Casey, why they want to help him. Do we need to know where the face paint is? While it seems relevant, it really isn't. Your viewers are live people and will be asking these questions themselves. Your job is to allow them the benefit of figuring some things out for themselves. Comedy/Humor is difficult to write. Where many fail is that they put too much emphasis into explaining the set-up. This could be shortened up to:
Code:
Dante gives a sly smile to his friends.

                             DANTE
             I got this covered.  Like I said I have 
             a plan.  All we need are our gym
             clothes and Steve's face paint.

                             STEVE
             From Halloween?

Casey shoots him a questioning glare.

                             CASEY
             Wearing the school uniforms with zombie
             makeup.  Yeah, they’ll never know it's us.

Without a care, Dante turns to Steve.

                             DANTE
             You can keep watch while ...
Ten lines of dialogue down to four. Same content but less redundancy. Now, to make sense, you need to give proper introductions.
Code:
Three high school seniors sit on a sofa watching TV, a
pizza between them.

CASEY (17), a nerdy looking Black kid 

STEVE (17),  a nice looking Asian kid, and

DANTE (17), an Italian jock with feet kicked up.
Now as to content. Most grades are kept on computer systems now, so breaking into the school would be stupid and pointless. You need to give a context. Rather than start with the plan, start with the conflict. The plan for action has to be reasonable in context. Why would they want to break in if they can't hack into the system? You need to make the audience believe that the three would actually be friends. And that they would even consider something like this. I think your character Steve put it best, "Yeah, not to be a dick but that’s kinda stupid." If you want two A students to hang with an F student, there has to be a motivation. For the two A students to contemplate committing a crime to help a lazy student, you need to provide some motivation. You need believable characters. One thing you really need to do is develop separate voices for the characters. Right now they all sound the same.
Code:
Casey motions for Steve to give him his drink.

                              STEVE
              OH

                              CASEY
              Thank you. So how’d you guys do on
              Ms. Johnson’s final?

                              STEVE
              I aced it.

                             CASEY
              Yeah like a 92 or something.

                             DANTE
              I fucking bombed that shit.

                             CASEY
              Are you serious? we’re seniors this
              is pretty much for us.

                            DANTE
              Now before you get all in my ass
              about it I have a plan.

                            CASEY
              Oh a Dante plan this should be smart.

                            DANTE
              We break into the school and change
              my grade!

a pause of silence.

                            CASEY
              Like I knew you were dumb but now
              i’m thinking you might developmental 
              issues. Were you ever dropped?

                            STEVE
              Yeah not to be a dick but that’s
              kinda stupid.
Sometimes that means going back to the original premise. Changing a grade is unrealistic in this age of computers. As such, I'm not sure why Albert simply can't hack in. Or why Dante needs the other two. Second, pinning it on the "dumb" guy is way too overused and provides no motivation for the "smart" kids. I don't like Dante and have no interest in his succeeding. At the moment, it feels too contrived and absurd which makes it uninteresting and not funny. How can you kill two birds with one stone?
Code:
Casey motions and Steve hands him his drink.

                              CASEY
              So how’d you guys do on Ms. Johnson’s 
              final?  I scored a smooth 92.

                              STEVE
              I aced it.

They look over at Dante who grabs a piece of pizza.  Silence.  
They shake their heads.

                             DANTE
              It's Mrs. Robert's essay on the fucking 
              "Wuthering Heights" that'll kill me.

                             CASEY
              Speaking of which-

Casey rises and goes to his backpack.  He opens it and looks
about.  His search becomes more frantic and his face drains.

                            CASEY
              Fuck no!  I can't believe this.  I'm gonna 
              be expelled.

He collapses into a wilted heap.

                            STEVE
              What the hell you goin' on about, bro?

Casey shoots Steve a glance.  Steve's face goes white.  Dante
glances back and forth between them.

                             DANTE
              One of you wanna clue me in?

                            CASEY
              I, well, I was checking the internet and
              ran across a picture of Mrs. Roberts on
              a porn site.
 
                            DANTE
              That's hot!  I gotta see this.

                            STEVE
                     (overly eager)
              It was hot.

Stops himself and glances back at Casey collapsed on the floor.  
                             
                            CASEY
              I kinda crammed it into my essay
              folder and forgot to take it out.  When
              she reads it ...

Dante bursts into laughter.  Steve elbows him and he calms a bit.

                            DANTE
               It's a long weekend.  I saw her leave
               a stack on her desk to grade later.  I 
               have a plan.

                            CASEY
              Oh, a Dante plan, this should be smart!

                            DANTE
              Fine.  Valedictorian arrested and gets 
              jail time for stalking teacher.

                            STEVE
              Don't be a dick, Dante.  Damn.

Silence then both look over at Dante.
Who can they go to remove the incriminating photo? It necessitates action of a dangerous kind. When all those segments are combined, you get:
Code:
Three high school seniors sit on a sofa watching TV, a
pizza between them.

CASEY (17), a nerdy looking Black kid 

STEVE (17),  a nice looking Asian kid, and

DANTE (17), an Italian jock with feet kicked up.

Casey motions and Steve hands him his drink.

                              CASEY
              So how’d you guys do on Ms. Johnson’s 
              final?  I scored a smooth 92.

                              STEVE
              I aced it.

They look over at Dante who grabs a piece of pizza.  Silence.  
They shake their heads.

                             DANTE
              It's Mrs. Robert's essay on the fucking 
              "Wuthering Heights" that'll kill me.

                             CASEY
              Speaking of which-

Casey rises and goes to his backpack.  He opens it and looks
about.  His search becomes more frantic and his face drains.

                            CASEY
              Hell no!  I can't believe this.  I'm gonna 
              be expelled.

He collapses into a wilted heap.

                            STEVE
              What the fuck you goin' on about, bro?

Casey shoots Steve a glance.  Steve's face goes white.  Dante
glances back and forth between them.

                             DANTE
              One of you wanna clue me in?

                            CASEY
              I, well, I was checking the internet and
              ran across a picture of Mrs. Roberts on
              a porn site.
 
                            DANTE
              That's hot!  I gotta see this.

                            STEVE
                     (overly eager)
              It was hot.

Stops himself and glances back at Casey collapsed on the floor.  
                             
                            CASEY
              I kinda crammed it into my essay
              folder and forgot to take it out.  When
              she reads it ...

Dante bursts into laughter.  Steve elbows him and he calms a bit.

                            DANTE
               It's a long weekend.  I saw her leave
               a stack on her desk to grade later.  I 
               have a plan.

                            CASEY
              Oh, a Dante plan, this should be smart!

                            DANTE
              Fine.  Valedictorian arrested and gets 
              jail time for stalking teacher.

                            STEVE
              Don't be a dick, Dante.  Damn.

Silence then both look over at Dante.

Dante gives a sly smile to his friends.

                             DANTE
             I got this covered.  Like I said I have 
             a plan.  All we need are our gym
             clothes and Steve's face paint.

                             STEVE
             From Halloween?

Casey shoots him a questioning glare.

                             CASEY
             Wearing the school uniforms with zombie
             makeup.  Yeah, they’ll never know it's us.
             Stalking, breaking and entering, I'm 
             doomed.

Without a care, Dante turns to Steve.

                             DANTE
             You can keep watch while ...
Now the stakes compel action. The action and description lines convey information about the scene. The dialogue is more about driving the story and less chatty. And if the dialogue is removed we have:
Code:
Three high school seniors sit on a sofa watching TV, a
pizza between them.
CASEY (17), a nerdy looking Black kid 
STEVE (17),  a nice looking Asian kid, and
DANTE (17), an Italian jock with feet kicked up.
Casey motions and Steve hands him his drink.
They look over at Dante who grabs a piece of pizza.  Silence.  
They shake their heads.
Casey rises and goes to his backpack.  He opens it and looks
about.  His search becomes more frantic and his face drains.
He collapses into a wilted heap.
Casey shoots Steve a glance.  Steve's face goes white.  Dante
glances back and forth between them.
Stops himself and glances back at Casey collapsed on the floor.  
Dante bursts into laughter.  Steve elbows him and he calms a bit.
Silence then both look over at Dante.
Dante gives a sly smile to his friends.
Casey shoots him a questioning glare.
Without a care, Dante turns to Steve.
I didn't find your script believable. It lost my attention largely because your characters felt unbelievable, the situation felt forced and unnatural. You just dropped everyone into a blender. That's not how it works. You need to develop story. Learn a bit about the "3 Act Structure". Many people like Blake Snyder's "Save the Cat" as a good basic intro. Also focus on developing your characters. It's through your characters that you sell your story and involve the audience. The more we like and believe the characters, the wilder more outrageous your plot can be. That's a key element of comedy. I think you need to take this information and think about how you can approach your next version of your script. Good luck.
 
Thank you so much for the feedback. I read it and everything you said made a whole lot of sense. I see you changed a lot of dialogue and took of the cursing. Now I'm assuming its because that's what made it too on the nose? I want to find a line between your dialogue that serves the story better and mine that's just kinda fun. I think I can do that. I'd like to point out that while Steve is Asian Casey isn't nerdy looking. He looks like kinda like skater honestly or just a normal you wouldn't expect to be honor roll student. OH and Dante is short much shorter than his friends which way he acts the way he does.

The changes you made where definitely an improve over what I wrote and thank God this is a first draft. That means I can still go back and improve on it. I was gonna let this discourage me but i'll go back, break it more and make it make more sense, and write it again. I'll post that draft here or I could private message it to you so can break more of the script.

Thanks again.
 
I'd like to point out that while Steve is Asian Casey isn't nerdy looking. He looks like kinda like skater honestly or just a normal you wouldn't expect to be honor roll student. OH and Dante is short much shorter than his friends which way he acts the way he does.
That's what you need to be telling us up front. Without guidance, anything is possible. As a planning document, the casting director needs some idea what to look for.

Keep dialogue succinct and relevant. What I tried to do is give each character a different voice. One way to do that is through vocabulary, grammar and pronunciation. Now you have a sense of how you can play with the dialogue and make changes to match your characters.

Don't be discouraged, use it as an example of how to think through your writing decisions. It's part art and part craft. I think you have some good ideas in there. Just take time with your characters. They're your bread and butter. Every script goes through lots of drafts. Sometimes you need to break it and re-make it but I think your next draft will be stronger.
 
I see you changed a lot of dialogue and took of the cursing. Now I'm assuming its because that's what made it too on the nose?

On the nose dialog is often referred to dialog that is unnatural. Dialog that you'll never hear in the real world (unless you hear two Trekkies talking to each other). Most people rarely say directly what's on their mind. The cursing isn't relevant to the topic. To be honest, I managed to get about half a page into it before I stopped mostly due to that issue.

thank God this is a first draft

On a side point, as a writer, as you get better to know what you're doing, it's important to know that you only get one chance to make a first impression. If you can do improvements on your own, do it before you ask others to read it. In other words, go through as many drafts as necessary to get it to a suitable point where others can read it.
 
It's better, but it's still too wordy, and still full of proofing errors (missed words etc). It still seems to be taking place in a fantasy world where minor administrative buildings are guarded like prisons, but are nevertheless left completely unlocked - as are the offices within. And why do they need their gym clothes? Also, most competent hackers would not need physical presence to break into a system. You're introducing these unrealistic technical complications to build to the punchline but...

Your punchline also falls flat for me: so what if someone promised Albert a date with Nat? It has absolutely zero bearing on her what silly deals other people make amongst themselves. It's not like she can be forced to go through with it. There are no consequences if she doesn't, so a more realistic reaction would be for her to laugh it off and wonder how they are going to repay Albert's favour.

This seems to me a classic case of you having a few gags/set pieces you want to include regardless of how they fit the story, and then attempting to force them in any way you can. Don't get me wrong, some of them *are* funny (e.g. the password) but why would *anyone* leave a password like that where it's publicly visible?
 
Thank you for reading the new draft. It is better but it does need some work. I tired my best not to make it so wordy. Their our suppose to be part of their disguise. That waa better when they were breaking into the high school. The guards are just like security guards that just walk around campus from place to place. Though the way I wrote I understand how you could get that confused. Yeah Albert wouldn't need anything psychical to hack into a system.

I do think the punchline you wrote works a whole lot better. Yeah I had a few jokes and moments that I liked and was trying to get to those so many that hurt the script a little. I'm glad you thought the jokes were funny. The vomit is my favorite. Why would someone leave a like that out in the open? Who knows?
 
Last edited:
I tired my best not to make it so wordy.

In this regard, a piece of advice could be:
1). Write it so anyone with grade 5 English can understand it. Don't get tricky if you don't need it.
2). Less is more.
3). If you can cut it out, cut it out.
 
Definitely an improvement, but it would be so much more readable if you went through it a few more times filling in all the missing words. It's like reading a telegram at times.

The structure is better, but it still seems to be lacking a climax.

I don't buy that the janitor would smash the window of the van (and it would be a bitch to film too, I imagine). Surely a faulty window or something would work better? And what is a janitor doing there at midnight anyway?

Nat's reaction at the end is better, but that still leaves the payoff lacking - what do the boys have to fear from Albert? The snitching thing sort of works, but if Albert snitches, then isn't he at risk of implicating himself in a far more serious crime?
 
There were still missing words? I actually went through and filled them in this time! Thanks I hoped that the structure was better and yeah I guess there isn't a climax. I think the janitor smashing the window would make sense it he was thrown up on first. Yeah the window smashing would very hard to film.

Yeah Albert would definitely get in more than the boys would. I guess I have to write it again? I'm just kinda tired of dealing with these characters you know?
 
Here's a simple solution: the last time the boys crossed Albert they found their Facebook profiles full of gay porn the next day, with the promise that the next time would be even worse.

Still lots of missing words.

And it's a little concerning that you're fed up of your characters after three drafts. And they say young people nowadays have a short attention span... :P
 
Nah I don't want to make seem like being gay is a bad thing. Well technically this is the fourth draft I wrote the very first one like a year ago. Also I kinda want to do something else. I'm just tired of writing the same thing over and over with little change. I miss drawing comics so I think I'll do that.
 
Yeah you're probably right. I'll come back with another re-write because it's apparently missing a climax and I'd like for it to have one. Oh thanks I just not to be lazy if I can be working.
 
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