A sci fi screenplay Im starting

[doomedvideos]

Im new to screenwriting but i have started this little piece here

http://www.scribd.com/doc/19477198/Red-Draft-1

any advice welcome.

[Filman]

Seems to be going well for you. Smooth characters. Can't complain. Maybe: missing dots, sound in capitals.

[countevil]

Keep it up, looking pretty good so far.

[Joker B]

My prime advice would be: write more -- a lot more -- of this before giving anyone a chance to second-guess or redirect you. Jam as headlong into it as you can because if you're not obsessed with it, who else will be?

There's not enough here to tell one character from another, for example. I had to go back and forth to check. But more important is: don't expend your energy on editing when you haven't yet written it. Keep going!

[doomedvideos]

Cheers guys,

The feedback was more for proof that I have writen somthing, I havent writen a full screenplay yet, its exiting I hope to keep going, just need to sort the grama bits out lol.

[VPTurner]

From the very first page this is a perfect example of "talking the plot". Dialogue is too on the nose. And they all sound alike. Character is revealed more by what they do (action) and by what they don't say (subtext).

Example, a character says, "I am going to kick your ass right now!", and then just stands there looking nervous.

COMPUTER VOICE is technically another character that would require voice over (V.O.), so it should be formatted as dialogue.

And I would not capitalize sound effects in a spec script. But that's usually a style preference and not a rule. I look for anything that takes away from the flow, anything that pulls the reader out of the experience.

But you've started writing! Great job! Now keep at it.

[doomedvideos]

Originally Posted by VPTurner

From the very first page this is a perfect example of "talking the plot". Dialogue is too on the nose. And they all sound alike. Character is revealed more by what they do (action) and by what they don't say (subtext).

I dont supose you would mind elaborateing more on this, I need to grasp this factor,.

[Joker B]

I don't want to speak for VPTurner but I think what he's talking about is: too much talking, not enough showing. It's a motion picture. "Talkies" were passe by 1932.

Imagine if you were watching this with the sound turned off. Would you have a (f***ing) clue what's going on?

("Jack" has a desk in the HALL? The guys come into the far end of the "long narrow hall," and are instantly nearby? Or is he yelling at them down the length of this hall?)

"Talking the plot" is especially common in television writing. It's sometimes even useful there, for shows that you can follow while not watching them because you're in the kitchen getting a snack or whatever. Or sitcoms that are populated by pretty barely-actors who desperately depend on the dialogue staff and the laugh track.

For feature films... not so much.

Verbs and adverbs kill nouns and adjectives every (f***ing) time.

[doomedvideos]

I think I get this, not explaining enough whats going on visually in the action right? just becuase I know whats going on maybe noone ellse does becuase I didnt explain it?


This is why I wanted to get some feedback earlly so I didint start the whole thing off wrong.

[VPTurner]

Talking the plot is essentially explaining things through dialogue too much. In the first page, you're exposing backstory and plot points all through dialogue. It's better to show, not tell. Film is a visual medium. Talking heads is for the stage. And the way in which they do so is "on the nose" in that they are saying exactly what they're thinking, going to do, have done, etc. People just don't talk that way.

A good exercise could be to delete all of the dialogue and see how much of the same you can reveal through visual imagery.

Example: They're cons, right? Describe an outfit or a wearable device suitable to your fictional world that gives a visual cue that these characters are incarcerated. Put some more science in your fiction, although avoid exploding wrist bands and collars since that's been done to death. Spielberg had a character that through 3/4th of the script was referred to only by "Keys", a reference to the keys hanging from his belt that became a visual and auditory cue (name the film for extra credit ).

These are obviously tough guys, so why would he apologize to that prisoner scum? More realistic and plausible that he'd apologize to Jack for bashing the prisoner and getting a sour look. "Sorry. Knee jerk reaction." And let the audience (or the reader) laugh rather than the character. Laughing at one's own jokes is a sign of insecurity. Unless that's a character trait you want to portray... The one who's laughing at his own jokes is usually the only one laughing.

Bad jokes, bad puns, talking the plot, and on the nose dialogue will get your script tossed in the round filing cabinet before the reader gets past page one.

But no worries. Writing is rewriting.

[VPTurner]

Side note, speaking of visual cues, what is the most common marking used in modern day prisons among convicts to reveal status, gang affiliation, even details of their criminal past?

Tatoos, aka "tats".

[barnaclelapse]

I'll agree with the sentiment that there's a little too much talking going on here, but it's still a really good bit of work so far. You've definitely got the right characters down for the right story. You just need to fine-tune the specifics a little, scale back on the dialog and trust the characters (and your own writing ability, of course) to develop themselves through their actions.

[doomedvideos]

I am understanding this more now, I have gone back and rewriten and done some more with more action descriptions, I think it looks a lot better but I may need to go back again I think.

VP, The apology from Scott was not sincere, I was going for sarcasum there, I think maybe the jokes had gone a bit cheesy, I was even laughing to myeslf how cheesy they are!

I think the charictures I am thinking of are cheesy though, as they are from a anime film, and if you have watched any violent Manga film you will know the bad guts always come up with bad jokes.

But Scott is ment to be a bad ass, a cool bad ass, I think that I need to try get that accross to the reader with more action visual rather than what he is saying.

Cant think of that film VP,

This is all very helpful, thankyou all.

[Joker B]

These are characters from a previous, existing film?

[Zensteve]

Originally Posted by doomedvideos

Cant think of that film VP

Spoiler: It's E.T.