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Old 10-27-2017, 04:12 PM   #1
Tumbleweed Films
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Question What do you think of my short film script?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0Bw0...9ZZmtqeFU/view

Does anyone have any tips on improving the screenplay, mainly the dialogue.

P.S. I'm aware that the formatting is a bit off, that's not what I want to know about.
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Old 10-27-2017, 07:27 PM   #2
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It's not in screenplay format at all. You write it like a play.

"Then the scene is slowly revealed as ADAM opens his eyes."
(Shot of Eva in the hospital)
"We see Adam walking up to a house."

Who's we? And I've never seen a screenplay that used bulletin points? Correct me if I'm wrong.
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Old 10-27-2017, 10:54 PM   #3
Sweetie
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Quote:
I was just kinda drifting in and out
of consciousness… (blur of lights and noise) …then I
went completely under. You were there though,
weren’t you?
Do you want your characters to be talking like this?
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Old 10-27-2017, 11:19 PM   #4
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In a screenplay, you don't tell the cinematographer or gaffer what to do. Leave that for when the production starts to the creativity of the director. The screenplay format should be only telling the reader what is happening in the story; portraying the action and dialogue.

If you are on the cinematographer team and want to take notes as to what angled shots to take to guide you, you can, privately, but don't include that on the screenplay. That's more for the shot list.
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Old 10-28-2017, 10:28 AM   #5
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One major inconsistency is, Mum DOES see him at the door, later, you say she only heard his voice.

The story should be pretty good for a newbie filmmaker. Some dialog work.
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Old 10-30-2017, 03:31 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tumbleweed Films View Post
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0Bw0...9ZZmtqeFU/view

Does anyone have any tips on improving the screenplay, mainly the dialogue.

P.S. I'm aware that the formatting is a bit off, that's not what I want to know about.
Interesting thread I'd say. For a beginner, this is pretty much good, if not top notch. Other than a couple of mistakes (as pointed out by others), it's a workable second draft. Give a couple more pass through it and you'll have a decent screenplay in hand.

PS: Moving those shot details out of it would give more creative space to the cinematography team. All the best
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