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Old 09-03-2017, 12:43 PM   #1
Kammerman02
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Anyone willing to take a look at my screenplay?

Hello everyone! Just a little background, I`m making this film to enter in my university`s film festival and would very much appreciate any feedback I may receive.

LOGLINE: A deaf janitor`s shift takes a turn for the worst when he`s stalked by an evil being he cannot even hear.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0S...ew?usp=sharing

Thank you very much. and I very much anticipate any responses I may receive.
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Old 09-04-2017, 10:36 AM   #2
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Excellent logline. Can be good.
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Old 09-04-2017, 12:21 PM   #3
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I actually think the logline is redundant... you state he is deaf, then state he cannot even hear...
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Old 09-04-2017, 10:45 PM   #4
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You're saying it twice in one sentence for whatever reason.
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Old 09-05-2017, 05:29 AM   #5
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The reason is that he's thinking like a director. Wants to make sure you get the point. That's a good sign. Flipped through the pages. You're good with details. If I was involved as the editor I'd make it my mission to cut two and half pages of the first five. So there you have it.
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Old 09-05-2017, 11:59 AM   #6
directorik
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I like the logline as it is.

I like your writing style; your very first line in the script sets a great
tone. I prefer a more traditional format without all the uppercase usage.
My eye is distracted as each word in uppercase seems like shouting.
Traditionally character names are only in uppercase on their introduction.
And I don't like the 1970's Syd Field format either. I understand that
you're writing like a director - I prefer to read from a writer not a director.

For example; you sometimes use POV and sometimes you don't even
when it's clear a POV would be used. And I get distracted when you set
up a POV but don't come out of it. Is everything after "DANIEL'S POV"
his point of view - even when reaches for the vacuum? And why do you
cap some props and set pieces but not others?

I start thinking of those things rather than reading your story.
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Old 09-06-2017, 10:39 AM   #7
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I love the story and how you describe things, it really gives atmosphere.

However a few things

There are a few scenes which feels like there should be dialogue because the descriptives are something that while great to read, can't readily be translated to audio visual.

For example, when Richie is internally debating whether to go in the recording studio. How would you show that on film?

Same goes for when Daniel is dialing 911. How do the cops know to come, and that it's not a prank call? Why isn't the operator saying "hello is someone there?". He's deaf, but I'm sure he can still make some sort of sounds (got a deaf cousin, she makes sounds when she wants your attention before she signs)

I was also confused by why Daniel has a bicycle if he has a car.
Also why is he saying that he is about to leave but then suddenly gets to cleaning? That didn't make sense to me.

But overall, great story telling.

Last edited by deleted; 09-06-2017 at 12:31 PM.
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Old 09-06-2017, 10:50 AM   #8
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https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlike...ople_call_the/

https://www.quora.com/How-do-deaf-pe...all-the-police

These resources will help with your situation of Daniel calling 911 and making it more realistic, I'm sure deaf people will appreciate the realism
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Old 09-07-2017, 03:29 PM   #9
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Indeed, the logline is redundant. You can write it like this:
"A deaf janitor`s shift takes a turn for the worst when he`s stalked by an evil being."
The purpose of the logline is not to impress but to include.
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