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Old 06-04-2017, 08:47 PM   #16
Blase29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by directorik View Post
It has potential. The first time you posted this I didn't read past page
five. I'm glad you made some format changes to make it an easier read.
I disagree with Quality that you "must adhere to the integrity" of his
version of the screenplay format. Your format is fine. I didn't like all the
camera direction and I still don't like the "CUT TO:", but that is still proper
format.

As you rewrite and polish I hope you clean it up even more. You say you
don't want the readers to get confused on what's happening. Simple, straight
forward writing is the best way.

One suggestion I have it to drop the present progressive. That's “start running”,
“is turning”, “now walking”. I prefer to not use it at all. You use it sometimes
and then don't use it other times. “Winfrey jumps off his bunk.” is much more
active than “Winfrey is jumping off his bunk.” “All of them start to run...”
doesn't give you the same visual as “All of them run...” What does “start to
run” look like?

Also you use a lot of “then” to situate actions. I think it's unnecessary. This
happens, “then” this happens, “then” this happens. It not confusing to a
reader if you leave out that adverb. Take a few of your action paragraphs
and drop it – see how it reads to you.

An example of confusing overwriting:


He wasn't almost shot at – you tell us he IS shot at. Why does he need to
decide to go back inside? I read “decide” as making a choice. How long does
he stand there in front of the station considering what to do? You've got an
action scene here – ramp up your action writing.

An example of heavy dialogue exposition:


As a reader I already know they are in a weather station – they know it too.
I already know there is a large Japanese force – they know it too. Would
Wimpy really explain all that to the guys who know all that? This is the prime
opportunity to show his character through dialogue.

And this is all in the first ten pages.

I got to page 25. I see the research in this and your passion comes through.
Thanks for the feedback. I am almost finished with the entire script being done. Just a few more scenes to write. After that, time for more editing. This is either going to be my masterpiece/official kick in the door or my biggest blunder.

Last edited by Blase29; 06-04-2017 at 09:11 PM.
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Old 06-04-2017, 10:22 PM   #17
Lucky Hardwood
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Let's hope it kicks open many doors for you.
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Old 06-04-2017, 10:27 PM   #18
Blase29
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Originally Posted by Lucky Hardwood View Post
Let's hope it kicks open many doors for you.
Thanks!
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Old 06-10-2017, 01:09 PM   #19
Blase29
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Better? This a 3rd draft of a "full" screenplay. A lot of it has changed. But if there are any typos you see, let me know, immediately, so I can get rid of them.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2g...ew?usp=sharing

Last edited by Blase29; 06-10-2017 at 10:10 PM.
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