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Old 07-03-2016, 06:44 PM   #1
brilliantben
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Question [FEEDBACK] Rate 2-page dialogue

Hi Everyone,

New poster but longtime lurker here. I've decided to apply to film school and one of the application materials is a 2-page dialogue between two people that reveals something interesting. I have two that I like so I want you to rate them if possible.

I have no idea what others are writing for film school so I have no idea if this is bad or good or in between.

GOLF SCENE

LAPTOP SCENE

RE-WRITE OF LAPTOP SCENE

Thanks!
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Old 07-04-2016, 12:12 AM   #2
maz
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If I had to rank them, I would put the Golf one first and the original laptop scene second - however, both could be tightened up further.

The final joke in the golf one falls very, very flat. It's bad, not least because a viewer has no way of seeing how the word is spelled, which is crucial to the pun! Also, the whole line about the rough does not really achieve the innuendo you're hoping for. For me, anyway, the "rough" and "wedge" references are a little too oblique, so you might want to reconsider them.

Also, I can't believe you passed up the chance for Bree to say "That's just how you like them..." after Richard says "Nice and easy..."

I do like the characters in the laptop scene, but surely the requirements are only two characters?

Anyway, the whole thing urgently needs proofreading if you ever plan to submit it anywhere!

Content-wise, I think Madeline's ignorance of the internet (and what it's essentially for, as far as teenagers are concerned ) for me denies her the likelihood of knowing what a virus is. I think it would be funnier if Carter had claimed it was a virus, and she speaks as though putting quotation marks around it.

It might also enhance the character traits if "Alex"'s profile picture is of a (female) gay icon, which Madeline is obviously ignorant about, but leads her to believe it's a beautiful girl...

It might enhance Carter's mortification if Madeline knows and mentions that Keith and Carter go to the same school and know each other.

It might also provide a better punchline if Keith is messing about on his phone when the couple walk in, then when Madeline mentions Alex she says the little picture is all Carter's ever seen of "her" ("Isn't she lovely? She looks just like Judy Garland!"). Keith looks uncomfortable and says the shop is closing, tries to shoo them out, but Madeline sees a message from Alex ("'How big is...' Hmmm... strange question..."), and replies to it in a pushy mother way... ("I'm afraid Carter doesn't own any poultry, dear")... and Keith's phone beeps Then just fade to black on the two boys' mortified expressions.

Last edited by maz; 07-04-2016 at 12:21 AM.
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Old 07-04-2016, 12:13 AM   #3
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Sorry, that ended up longer than I'd planned. Tired ramblings...
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Old 07-04-2016, 03:28 AM   #4
brilliantben
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Thanks

Hi, no worries! I appreciate the honesty -- this assignment is definitely the hardest one for me and I know I need to tighten them up. I am wondering if I should pick a different subject to write about entirely that's more on the serious side of things. On the other hand, I want to show range in the application and already have a treatment about a serious subject.

I think the laptop scene has more potential but I can't seem to get it just right. I'll try again with your tips!

Thank you!
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