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watch Seishin - first scene rough cut #1

8salacious9

8salacious9

hey guys i have an extremely rough cut of the first scene its about 34 seconds long.

theres no sound and i slapped on a colour grade preset for viewing purposes.

let me know what you think.

My main thoughts are that it may be a bit too fast but then i wanted suspense.

Have to applaud Baolin for his help on extra shots the man was climbing up trees and foraging and all sorts truely a camera militant.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=/azOiZApAl0c
 
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i think it moves a little too slow to be honest... and i hope you arent married to that color grade
 
mussonman said:
i think it moves a little too slow to be honest... and i hope you arent married to that color grade
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oh really? do you mean the amount of time it takes him from A to B? and of course not i just couldnt be bothered colouring it just for a demo, not going to be doing any colouring until the whole film is done.
 
Hey,

I like the idea.

However, a couple of nitpicks.

The title logo is a bit hard to read. I would make it a bit clearer.
Maybe separate the letters slightly away from each other.

When I first saw it, I felt it was too quick, but after seeing it again I think it would be fine if you removed the shot at 0:18. I feel it doesn't push the narrative forward, it's kinda empty.

For the color grading, I'm neutral on it.
I don't love it and I don't hate it.

Again, I like the idea and I look forward to the completed version.
 
Jayisafunnyman said:
Hey,

I like the idea.

However, a couple of nitpicks.

The title logo is a bit hard to read. I would make it a bit clearer.
Maybe separate the letters slightly away from each other.

When I first saw it, I felt it was too quick, but after seeing it again I think it would be fine if you removed the shot at 0:18. I feel it doesn't push the narrative forward, it's kinda empty.

For the color grading, I'm neutral on it.
I don't love it and I don't hate it.

Again, I like the idea and I look forward to the completed version.
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hey

i think at 0:18 you could be right, but then maybe because theres no sound you dont feel as if it should be there?

thanks for input, may i ask future posters not to rate the colouring as it was just for the demo and not to be considered in the criticism.
 
I don't think sound will help.
I was expecting the protagonist to appear but he doesn't.
0:18 feels like an establishing shot, something you would put in the start of the film, not in the middle of a chase scene. It takes me out of it for a second.

However, I don't think that shot would work anywhere.
Removing it will probably make the whole thing flow much better.
 
Jayisafunnyman said:
I don't think sound will help.
I was expecting the protagonist to appear but he doesn't.
0:18 feels like an establishing shot, something you would put in the start of the film, not in the middle of a chase scene. It takes me out of it for a second.
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ok thanks i added it in my notes, what do you think about the ending bit?
 
Next time you put up one of these 0:34min clips ditch the 0:13min title sequence, (which is fine, BTW, but agree that without an English "preview" of what it's supposed to say it looks like stylized Japanese language gibberish).

Agree that the 0:18 shot of nothing happening is random and should be cut.
The subsequent run-left-run-right-run-left-run-right-run-left-run-right looks nutty. Makes me think what I assume to be a protagonistic soon-to-be victim is a hare-brained idiot.
Now, if that is indeed what the character is then you're good.
If he's not supposed to be a dodgy minded rabbit then consider editing in a sequence where there's a logical path.

Bunny boy's head turn editing looks good. You done well on that.

Regarding the spooky girl sequence, A) the "just outta focus" bit may be an artistic choice but I don't care for it and suggest additional care towards maintaining focus on an interesting antagonist, and B) the handheld bobbing up and down and all around from 0:27 to 0:31 part at the beginning is a bit much, but the final shot @ 0:31 before the mouth lunge toward lens is about perfect handheld technique.

The lunge is cliché standard genré fare. Been there. Seen that a bazillion times. Meh.


FWIW, I think the color grading (which I acknowledge you said to disregard) is fine. :)

Otherwise, the images look very nice, BTW. Congratulations! :yes:
 
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rayw said:
Next time you put up one of these 0:34min clips ditch the 0:13min title sequence, (which is fine, BTW, but agree that without an English "preview" of what it's supposed to say it looks like stylized Japanese language gibberish).

Agree that the 0:18 shot of nothing happening is random and should be cut.
The subsequent run-left-run-right-run-left-run-right-run-left-run-right looks nutty. Makes me think what I assume to be a protagonistic soon-to-be victim is a hare-brained idiot.
Now, if that is indeed what the character is then you're good.
If he's not supposed to be a dodgy minded rabbit then consider editing in a sequence where there's a logical path.

Bunny boy's head turn editing looks good. You done well on that.

Regarding the spooky girl sequence, A) the "just outta focus" bit may be an artistic choice but I don't care for it and suggest additional care towards maintaining focus on an interesting antagonist, and B) the handheld bobbing up and down and all around from 0:27 to 0:31 part at the beginning is a bit much, but the final shot @ 0:31 before the mouth lunge toward lens is about perfect handheld technique.

The lunge is cliché standard genré fare. Been there. Seen that a bazillion times. Meh.


FWIW, I think the color grading (which I acknowledge you said to disregard) is fine. :)

Otherwise, the images look very nice, BTW. Congratulations! :yes:
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well sir i must thank you for the indepth review, its given alot more food for thought, il take on board what everyone has said and will try to produce a second version tonight.

with the girl, i originally filmed it at a normal pace from a POV however i decided to speed it up hence the bobbing coz if someones running they breathe like that, but il try to see if i can minimize it a bit.

I also forgot to mention that this isnt the normal type of film although you may not see it yet because this is just an early scene it will be an anime in real life type of film (Re-anime) so it may not seem as normal as one would expect, but hey ho we shall see where it goes so thanks again for everyones comments theres a reason indietalk is the place to be!
 
I agree about the title sequence, the length gives the impression that you were trying to fit it to the music, and it needs to be trimmed.

Otherwise it is hard to tell without sound, but I thought the running sequence was cut kind of strange; each shot is so short it gives the impression to me that he ran a very short distance. However, I would assume you may have done this for pacing reasons?

Also, I don't know why, but the girl reminds me of Charlie Chaplin.
 
i felt the slow motion shot wasn't needed, and the shot where you only see his foot should be trimmed down a bit. then before he turns around, there oughta be a shot showing him stopping running... sort of a continuity error without it
 
thanks guys for your replies, i did a little work on it as i havent had much time to edit properly, i did some refinement, i will put english subtitles underneath the title, so if you could ignore that for now.

I kind of like the slow motion opening scene so keeping that in, also i decided to keep the mouth opening business because yes it is cliche but it needs to be there for transition of the next scene otherwise id have to rewrite the script which would mess up the story.

here is v2 with slight adjustments made https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp3iwhXTZEQ

again thanks for your comments.
 
8salacious9 said:
here is v2 with slight adjustments made https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp3iwhXTZEQ

again thanks for your comments.
Click to expand...


I feel as if the shot at 22 seconds when he turns his head jumps the line a bit, I could be wrong because I'm still grasping the concept of continuity and the 180 rule. Does anyone else agree?
 
....and looking at the shot again, in the wide shot when he turns his head is almost completely turned, when we see the close up shot of his head turned it's delayed...not sure if you were going for like an instant reply affect on that one.
 
Ok, so to me this is all to sporadic. The shots are too short to see anything or to focus on anything. Try slowing the pace down a little. Give us a few more frames on each shot, just to figire out what we're looking at. Also, I didn't get the sense that he was running from something. Do you have any shots of him looking over his shoulder whilst running? Inserting them would tell the viewer that the guy is indeed running from something and would help build the tension.

Cheers. Good luck.
 
I'm starting to think that I'm leaving everyone in a pothole.. This scene may not make a lot of sense as you don't know what happens next, which when it is filmed and put together all will become clear, I'm quite happy with the way it is now I think, it is a little faster than I first imagined it to be however after some thought, I feel it gives a sense of panic with no time to make sense of things, which may not be your sense of perfect but is settled as a directors decision.

It's interesting to see different opinions and respectfully I appreciate the feedback from all, it's taught me one thing, never do a running forest shot again lol

The next scene we are brought to why he is running and will hopefully bridge the gap.
 
mad_hatter said:
Ok, so to me this is all to sporadic. The shots are too short to see anything or to focus on anything. Try slowing the pace down a little. Give us a few more frames on each shot, just to figire out what we're looking at. Also, I didn't get the sense that he was running from something. Do you have any shots of him looking over his shoulder whilst running? Inserting them would tell the viewer that the guy is indeed running from something and would help build the tension.

Cheers. Good luck.
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He turned to look back, if you look again he turns his head which cuts to his pov then he turns to the girl.
 
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