Hello, another newbie I guess you could say to the screen writing scene.
Working on a suspense thriller and yes i am aiming straight for feature films. I know.... bold move.
I know how I want my story to start and how its gonna end. I just dont have a clue what goes on in between. Still trying to figure that out. I got the protagonist and the antagonist, thats bout it.
I am putting up here the opening scene of my script. I know its gonna have tons of mistakes format wise, but like i said im a newbie to the scene.
Any comments are welcome and thoughts bout it.
Also if anyone is from New York I wouldnt mind doing also a collaboration and go 50/50 on my projects as long as its gonna end well with a finished script and a spot in a production company.
so here it goes.
"TORN"
By Demetrios Santos
OVER DARKNESS:
A distant voice can be heard, too far to hear what is said.
FADE IN:
BEDROOM -
Dressed in pink, DOLLS in every corner.
The voice nears.
HALLWAY -
BLOOD TRACES on the walls and floor.
MASTER BEDROOM -
A LIFELESS BODY of a woman in bed, flesh to shreds... a
bloodbath.
The voice starts to make sense.
STAIRWAY -
CLAW PRINTS across the wallpaper, fingernail deep.
The voice can be heard clearly now.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
(television)
Now for our final news. The year
long search for the serial killer
known...
KITCHEN -
Kitchenware, utensils scattered.
FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D)
(television)
-- as "the Reaper" continues with
lead investigator, detective Gibson
and the New York police
department...
LIVING ROOM -
Everything in tact, a TELEVISION is set to the local news.
FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D)
(television)
-- as they revisit the crime scene
in which a single mother and her 2
children where brutally murdered...
A SOUND is starting to creep in.. it sounds like.. a MUSIC
BOX.
Behind us a small pathway towards the wide open door to the
basement, we trace the sound.
FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D)
(television)
-- in their home one afternoon.
With us today we have Detective
Gibson to talk to us about their
latest finds.
The television is starting to fade away as the CAMERA enters
the doorway to the basement into darkness.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE INTO:
INT. SUBURBAN HOME - BASEMENT - DAY
Vision is coming to focus peeping through a HOLE trying to
grasp every bit of light there is from up the stairs.
GASPING. FRANTIC BREATHING.
MALE VOICE
(gasping)
What the...
A wooden MUSIC BOX lullabies the room on an old wooden table
getting shined on from the basement door.
Stripped to his boxers a man, Eddie Phelps, tied to a chair
bolted to the ground with a grime burlap bag around his head,
legs wired together tightly hooked to the ground.
EDDIE
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!
THIN WIRE PIERCED STRAIGHT THROUGH HIS PALMS attached to the
ground.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
(frantic)
What the fuck!!!
FINGERS caress the wire. LEGS jerk.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
Ahhhhh!!!
(intense)
What is goin on!!!
He realizes the situation. He panics.
Television sound ceases from afar.
PAUSE
Basement door closes. A light bulb sparks light in the
basement room. Its filled with shreded plastic drapes
dividing the room in isolations.
FOOTSTEPS, creeping down the stairs.
Eddie goes quiet.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
Who's there?
Footsteps continue. Getting closer.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
Hey...
Coming down the stairs a tall thin figure of a man dressed in
black with an eerie black mask and white X stitching's for
eyes. The final step of the stairs is reached.
In a DEEP, DISTORTED voice.
REAPER
Wakie wakie Eddie.
Reaches over and shuts the music box. He continues on behind
the plastic drapes.
EDDIE
Who.. Who are you?
Sounds of metallic clanging are heard beyond those drapes.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
Hey.. I'm talkin to you.
(shouts)
Who the fuck are you?
Clanging stops. Footsteps approach. Rushing through the
drapes comes Reaper towards Eddie. Stops right in front of
him. Hunched, staring at him, eye to eye.
Reapers hand extends, grips tightly on Eddies THROAT.
REAPER
Haven't you heard?
(beat)
I'm the Reaper!
Releases his throat. Eddie gasps for air.
REAPER (CONT'D)
You like the mask? I had to make
some improvements. It suits the
new name... Reaper!!!
EDDIE
(collecting his breath)
Reaper... You're no reaper. Your
a clown.
Reaper reaches behind his back. Pulls out a garotte,
metallic in texture, razor sharp points running across it.
REAPER
(deep laugh)
Let me show you how real this is.
Goes right behind him, rips the burlap bag right off his
head. Eddie, even with a roughed up face there is fire in
his eyes.
Reaper runs the garotte around his neck and tightens softly,
slowly. The sharp edges of the object are sinking in to his
skin. As if the pain isn't enough, oxygen is starting to run
low.
Nears Eddie's ear.
REAPER (CONT'D)
Do you feel your life.. Slipping
away? That's because I AM the
Reaper... and your soul belongs to
me now. I have the power to end
your life whenever I want.
Reaper loosens and lets go. Eddie once again gasps for air.
REAPER (CONT'D)
But not now.
Reaper pulls the garotte out of Eddies neck, and starts
walking towards the stairs.
REAPER (CONT'D)
Not yet. For by the time you are
ready to accept death, you will
have to know how it feels...
(Looks towards Eddie)
To be torn!
Continues up the stairs.
FADE OUT.
Working on a suspense thriller and yes i am aiming straight for feature films. I know.... bold move.
I know how I want my story to start and how its gonna end. I just dont have a clue what goes on in between. Still trying to figure that out. I got the protagonist and the antagonist, thats bout it.
I am putting up here the opening scene of my script. I know its gonna have tons of mistakes format wise, but like i said im a newbie to the scene.
Any comments are welcome and thoughts bout it.
Also if anyone is from New York I wouldnt mind doing also a collaboration and go 50/50 on my projects as long as its gonna end well with a finished script and a spot in a production company.
so here it goes.
"TORN"
By Demetrios Santos
OVER DARKNESS:
A distant voice can be heard, too far to hear what is said.
FADE IN:
BEDROOM -
Dressed in pink, DOLLS in every corner.
The voice nears.
HALLWAY -
BLOOD TRACES on the walls and floor.
MASTER BEDROOM -
A LIFELESS BODY of a woman in bed, flesh to shreds... a
bloodbath.
The voice starts to make sense.
STAIRWAY -
CLAW PRINTS across the wallpaper, fingernail deep.
The voice can be heard clearly now.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
(television)
Now for our final news. The year
long search for the serial killer
known...
KITCHEN -
Kitchenware, utensils scattered.
FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D)
(television)
-- as "the Reaper" continues with
lead investigator, detective Gibson
and the New York police
department...
LIVING ROOM -
Everything in tact, a TELEVISION is set to the local news.
FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D)
(television)
-- as they revisit the crime scene
in which a single mother and her 2
children where brutally murdered...
A SOUND is starting to creep in.. it sounds like.. a MUSIC
BOX.
Behind us a small pathway towards the wide open door to the
basement, we trace the sound.
FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D)
(television)
-- in their home one afternoon.
With us today we have Detective
Gibson to talk to us about their
latest finds.
The television is starting to fade away as the CAMERA enters
the doorway to the basement into darkness.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE INTO:
INT. SUBURBAN HOME - BASEMENT - DAY
Vision is coming to focus peeping through a HOLE trying to
grasp every bit of light there is from up the stairs.
GASPING. FRANTIC BREATHING.
MALE VOICE
(gasping)
What the...
A wooden MUSIC BOX lullabies the room on an old wooden table
getting shined on from the basement door.
Stripped to his boxers a man, Eddie Phelps, tied to a chair
bolted to the ground with a grime burlap bag around his head,
legs wired together tightly hooked to the ground.
EDDIE
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!
THIN WIRE PIERCED STRAIGHT THROUGH HIS PALMS attached to the
ground.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
(frantic)
What the fuck!!!
FINGERS caress the wire. LEGS jerk.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
Ahhhhh!!!
(intense)
What is goin on!!!
He realizes the situation. He panics.
Television sound ceases from afar.
PAUSE
Basement door closes. A light bulb sparks light in the
basement room. Its filled with shreded plastic drapes
dividing the room in isolations.
FOOTSTEPS, creeping down the stairs.
Eddie goes quiet.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
Who's there?
Footsteps continue. Getting closer.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
Hey...
Coming down the stairs a tall thin figure of a man dressed in
black with an eerie black mask and white X stitching's for
eyes. The final step of the stairs is reached.
In a DEEP, DISTORTED voice.
REAPER
Wakie wakie Eddie.
Reaches over and shuts the music box. He continues on behind
the plastic drapes.
EDDIE
Who.. Who are you?
Sounds of metallic clanging are heard beyond those drapes.
EDDIE (CONT'D)
Hey.. I'm talkin to you.
(shouts)
Who the fuck are you?
Clanging stops. Footsteps approach. Rushing through the
drapes comes Reaper towards Eddie. Stops right in front of
him. Hunched, staring at him, eye to eye.
Reapers hand extends, grips tightly on Eddies THROAT.
REAPER
Haven't you heard?
(beat)
I'm the Reaper!
Releases his throat. Eddie gasps for air.
REAPER (CONT'D)
You like the mask? I had to make
some improvements. It suits the
new name... Reaper!!!
EDDIE
(collecting his breath)
Reaper... You're no reaper. Your
a clown.
Reaper reaches behind his back. Pulls out a garotte,
metallic in texture, razor sharp points running across it.
REAPER
(deep laugh)
Let me show you how real this is.
Goes right behind him, rips the burlap bag right off his
head. Eddie, even with a roughed up face there is fire in
his eyes.
Reaper runs the garotte around his neck and tightens softly,
slowly. The sharp edges of the object are sinking in to his
skin. As if the pain isn't enough, oxygen is starting to run
low.
Nears Eddie's ear.
REAPER (CONT'D)
Do you feel your life.. Slipping
away? That's because I AM the
Reaper... and your soul belongs to
me now. I have the power to end
your life whenever I want.
Reaper loosens and lets go. Eddie once again gasps for air.
REAPER (CONT'D)
But not now.
Reaper pulls the garotte out of Eddies neck, and starts
walking towards the stairs.
REAPER (CONT'D)
Not yet. For by the time you are
ready to accept death, you will
have to know how it feels...
(Looks towards Eddie)
To be torn!
Continues up the stairs.
FADE OUT.
