I need help with this short script: The Custodian of Time

[Budget:0]

Hey guys.

Lately, I've been working on this script. It's a sci-fi, crime film that discusses...

Well, you can see that for yourself.

I'd appreciate it if you guys could tell me what's wrong with it. Be honest. As the metaphor goes, "I'll take my coffee black."

I appreciate any critiques about the story flow, dialog and formatting (especially that.)

Thanks in advance.

EDIT: Check post #8 for a revised script.