Dready needs Feedback.. Please :)

[Dreadylocks]

I put together this mock-up for a commercial I plan on filming and submitting to you-know-where

Obviously the images will be replaced with video I shoot, there will be more variety to the shots than there are photos below, and I've written some VO that needs to be added.

I put the music together in a fun little program called Mixcraft. Two of the sound effects were from freesound.org.

Please, I'd love feedback on all aspects of the spot. Good or bad. Ways to improve? Does it "work"? Do you get the light "joke" at the end?

I don't want to leave this up for too long, so get in while it's hot!

Thanks friends!

[Ernest Worthing]

I didnt get the joke.

I would replace the sniff sound with a shorter and lighter one. This sounds like a sniff from a cold.

[wheatgrinder]

I dont get the "joke" either.. sorry, I tried :-)

I would not use the freesound sound effects, "you know who" cant buy spots with freesound samples. Easy enough to roll your own for this spot..

For VO try speadyspots.com $30 or so and fast.

The pacing is nice, I think I would escalate at each "addition" ... your know two bars of the flower and the pour, then two more bars adding in two more images,.. build up the energy a bit before the big "reveal\punchline" what ever that was

[IndieBudget]

You got "something" there... it started getting monotonous IMO .. I didn't "get it" ...HOWEVER ..if you do not push boundaries.. you will never come up w/ something original ...so keep doing it



I see talent

[don patterson]

Okay. First -- I do not get the 'joke', not obvious enough for me.

The first time I watched -- thought it was four attractive women surrounding an Ashton Kutcher type (as if those 'girls next door' are doing an afternoon FFFFM type-of-thing while washing his clothing). Then i watched it again and it was 3 guys and two women. Go figure. The back and forth is far too rep, however IT IS effective in sticking the product (surf) in people's memories. Suggestion, try pulling camera either forward (or back) with each shot -- from the marketed object, rather than keeping the same composition, angle and DOF. Boring. Seen this approach before in marketing -- not new. But do you want housewives or stay-at-home types seeing this commercial (mostly at daytime) holding 'against' the product, their having to watch such dreck between their soaps and idol schlop?

Sexy sells. Period. Comedy sells. But you have to be a tad more obvious. And. AVOID boring your audience -- even in a 30 second plug!

[Papertwinproductions]

I didn't catch the joke either. But I assume (having read the proposed VO) that it's one person washing all of their friends clothes?

I like it. It could be clearer. Not so much that it's forced, but it rests on two things here.

1. How we see the friends.
2. The reaction following that of the person who is washing.

If it was us, I'd perhaps go with something like this...(assuming that my guessing of this concept is correct, of course!)

- Washing machine door slams shut.
- WASHER LADY/MAN happily breathes out as she enjoys the moment of finishing her task.
- *A person coughs* (Or some other form of sound to suggest to the audience that she's not alone)

VO - Perfect for your family...

WIDE: Five friends bewilderingly hold baskets piled high with their clothes.

VO - ...and your friends.

Washer person smiles or rolls her eyes and leaves the five friends scratching their heads. (Not literally)

Hope this helps.

Best of luck.

[Dreadylocks]

Thanks for the feedback! It's been really helpful

Originally Posted by Ernest Worthing

I didnt get the joke.

I would replace the sniff sound with a shorter and lighter one. This sounds like a sniff from a cold.

After reading all the replies, it seems the video as it is just isn't clear enough. Which is good to know It's not exactly a joke, but just a little light-hearted ending. Basically you would hear the VO line about 'perfect for your family' ... and on the 'and your friends' line we cut to several folks showing up with their laundry.

Hopefully it will play a bit better when there is actual video.

Thanks for the tip on the sniff sound. I'll switch it up.

Originally Posted by wheatgrinder

I dont get the "joke" either.. sorry, I tried :-)

I would not use the freesound sound effects, "you know who" cant buy spots with freesound samples. Easy enough to roll your own for this spot..

Noted. Good to know. Thank god my bf is a great musician with a good recording set-up, I used a loop library for the music so I'll get him to record an original version, just to be safe. Luckily the hard work is done and we'll just need to make a 'copy' so-to-speak.

For VO try speadyspots.com $30 or so and fast.

Thanks! I remember you using the service for a spot a while back and was hoping you'd chime in with the referral.

The pacing is nice, I think I would escalate at each "addition" ... your know two bars of the flower and the pour, then two more bars adding in two more images,.. build up the energy a bit before the big "reveal\punchline" what ever that was

I'll play with that a bit. Originally I wanted it to be much faster, but things got a bit muddy. I do agree though that the tension could build a bit more. Thanks for the feedback.

Originally Posted by IndieBudget

You got "something" there... it started getting monotonous IMO .. I didn't "get it" ...HOWEVER ..if you do not push boundaries.. you will never come up w/ something original ...so keep doing it



I see talent

Thanks, dude

Originally Posted by don patterson

Okay. First -- I do not get the 'joke', not obvious enough for me.

The first time I watched -- thought it was four attractive women surrounding an Ashton Kutcher type (as if those 'girls next door' are doing an afternoon FFFFM type-of-thing while washing his clothing). Then i watched it again and it was 3 guys and two women. Go figure. The back and forth is far too rep, however IT IS effective in sticking the product (surf) in people's memories. Suggestion, try pulling camera either forward (or back) with each shot -- from the marketed object, rather than keeping the same composition, angle and DOF. Boring. Seen this approach before in marketing -- not new. But do you want housewives or stay-at-home types seeing this commercial (mostly at daytime) holding 'against' the product, their having to watch such dreck between their soaps and idol schlop?

Sexy sells. Period. Comedy sells. But you have to be a tad more obvious. And. AVOID boring your audience -- even in a 30 second plug!

I'm a little confused by your reply, but what I think you're saying is vary the shots and make the message more clear? Definitely planning on having more variety of shots/locations/actors when I get to shooting. As many as is possible to wrangle together. So good advice there Thanks.

And yeah, the demographic is housewives.

Originally Posted by Papertwinproductions

I didn't catch the joke either. But I assume (having read the proposed VO) that it's one person washing all of their friends clothes?

I like it. It could be clearer. Not so much that it's forced, but it rests on two things here.

1. How we see the friends.
2. The reaction following that of the person who is washing.

If it was us, I'd perhaps go with something like this...(assuming that my guessing of this concept is correct, of course!)

- Washing machine door slams shut.
- WASHER LADY/MAN happily breathes out as she enjoys the moment of finishing her task.
- *A person coughs* (Or some other form of sound to suggest to the audience that she's not alone)

VO - Perfect for your family...

WIDE: Five friends bewilderingly hold baskets piled high with their clothes.

VO - ...and your friends.

Washer person smiles or rolls her eyes and leaves the five friends scratching their heads. (Not literally)

Hope this helps.

Best of luck.

Yep. That's the jist of it. Really good ideas there for sequence and shot choices. Thanks! I'll be using them, for sure

[Papertwinproductions]

Originally Posted by Dreadylocks

Yep. That's the jist of it. Really good ideas there for sequence and shot choices. Thanks! I'll be using them, for sure

Fantastic.

Looking forward to seeing this come together!

[Dreadylocks]

Took everything down. Thanks again for the feedback!

[Cracker Funk]

I was able to catch it before you took it down (insert gif of Giordi just barely making it under the door, Indiana Jones style).

I like the concept. I also didn't really get the joke, but I also suspected that the joke would be more clear with actually video footage. Sounds like a cool concept for a commercial, and I like the rhythmic aspect of it.

Good luck with the shoot!

[Dreadylocks]

Thanks, Joseph

It'll be a lot to organize in such a short time, but I'm hoping I can pull it off.