Concept Advice/Review

[RecoilMedia]

Hi!

I will be starting to shoot a short film later this summer and I just wanted to get some feedback on my ideas so far. Feel free to be brutal and add/help me out with ideas!

Opening shot: Young girl (18-20 y/o) sleeping

cut to a shot of her sleeping in a forrest, barefoot, wearing an all white dress. She startles awake and begins to walk. She seems to be going somewhere with a purpose. (need some ideas to make this portion interesting) Later on we see a mark on a tree, she runs her fingers over it and it seems familiar. She then begins to start moving faster and throughout the film she has gotten progressively dirtier. The music then gets more suspenseful and then we see a tight shot of her face being glad, as though she has found what she is looking for. Next shot we cut back to her sleeping and a smile slowly trickles across her face. END

So what do you think? Is it boring? Is it stupid to leave what she is looking for up to the viewers imagination? Any ideas as to ways to make it more interesting? Any other criticism would be great.

Oh and btw it will be less than 5 minutes long.

[Filman]

Maybe she should walk past her bedroom window and see herself. Then she also sees something beside herself in the bed. That's what she's out looking for. Something is wrong. Seeing it in the dream solves the heartache or something.

[Wolverine237]

You should develop your character more. Maybe since you are doing a dream sequence you can make it about her aspirations and subconcious wants. The only way to make her walking through the woods interesting is to have a great character. Perhaps she I a famous violinist and she wakes in the woods to silence and hears violin strings in the distance. She then proceeds to search for the source of the sound. Maybe her subconcious want and the dream is a metaphor for her searching for the most beautiful sound or something. I dont know. These are just suggestions but I would suggest trying to create a great character.

[Comikkaze]

I like the idea that maybe she sees someone or something that she misses a lot standing beside her bed. Maybe a dead lover/relative? Shots of the room could set up the fact that someone she loves is gone from her. Then she could find them in her dream standing beside the bed watching her so she feels better/safe

[rayw]

Tell us: What is the purpose of her running through the forest in her dream becoming increasingly dirtier?

[RecoilMedia]

I'm not really sure... I think she feels she is missing something and needs to find it. But ultimitley what she finds is up to the viewers imagination (im doing this partially because the unkown is better than anything I can show on my budget). She gets dirtier to evoke the factthat the journey is longer than we can see in the film, and much more rigorous.

[RecoilMedia]

Originally Posted by Wolverine237

You should develop your character more. Maybe since you are doing a dream sequence you can make it about her aspirations and subconcious wants. The only way to make her walking through the woods interesting is to have a great character. Perhaps she I a famous violinist and she wakes in the woods to silence and hears violin strings in the distance. She then proceeds to search for the source of the sound. Maybe her subconcious want and the dream is a metaphor for her searching for the most beautiful sound or something. I dont know. These are just suggestions but I would suggest trying to create a great character.

I like the idea of the violinist, but how would I show the fact that she is a violinist without just blatantly showing her at the beginning of the film?

[rayw]

Originally Posted by RecoilMedia

I'm not really sure... I think she feels she is missing something and needs to find it.

Well... Please allow my to be your devil's advocate and believe that I actually do understand exactly what you're attempting to do, (see below).
You need to be sure or should be sure.
Have a story then tell a story.
Don't have half a thought then provide half a thought.
Confusing is not the same as intriguing.

"I think she feels she is missing something and needs to find it." is wonderful.
I understand that she has found "it."
You need to consider a subject or social point in which there are multiple ways of viewing it and pose it in an artistic way.

- Is filth bad? Really?
- Does the white gown represent purity > virginity or ignorance >
- Does the forest represent a return to nature or savagery
- Is there an answer to a question?
- Is this a place of power or refuge for her?
- Blah blah blah

See?
If you leave it tooooooo open ended you don't create intrigue, you pose half a thought, which is rubbish.
Therefore, YOU NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU'RE TAKING US.

But ultimitley what she finds is up to the viewers imagination

I hate that cr@p.
If I goto the store to buy a gallon of 2% milk or bag of BBQ chips or Washington apples I d@mn well expect my 2% milk to taste like 2% and not possibly orange juice or motor oil the BBQ chips shouldn't be possibly pet dander flavored or pop-rocks and the apples had better not taste like yams or hotdog buns or flip-flops.
Milk.
Chips.
Apples.

Sell me a mystery.
Fine.
Then mystify me.
Don't just vomit up half a...
The answers to your...
The clever boy would...
And then it will all make...
Then the people will become...
The power is...


See?
That's all just bullsh!t.
Don't serve up bullsh!t.
We aren't...

(im doing this partially because the unkown is better than anything I can show on my budget).

Wrong.
For the story alone, such that it is, you have a girl, a dress, a forest, a home, and dirt.
Fine.
I assume you also have many of the other trappings of a normal household.
In no budget filmmaking these are called "found objects."
Do you have scissors?
A knife.
A shovel?
Rope?
A blanket or towel?
Bananas?
A loaf of bread?
A can of tomato sauce?
Stuffed/plush toys?
Deck of cards?
An empty glass bottle?
A naked barbie doll?
A wooden spoon?
Sand?
Stones?
Paper?
A pen?

What cryptic story can be SUGGESTED with any of these common household objects?
You don't need CGI and special effects big budget bullsh!t anything.
What you do need is a cogent coherent thought.

She gets dirtier to evoke the factthat the journey is longer than we can see in the film, and much more rigorous.

And how is this passage of time otherwise indicated?
What journey? All I see is that she's tra-la-la-la-ing through the forest.
A journey from or journey to?
Do the rigors weaken or strengthen her?
What is the journey's purpose?
What is your purpose, director?

[Filman]

Another possibility would be that she has dropped something and her dream helps her find it. The film ends with her going there next day and then the item is where her dream told her to look.

[FantasySciFi]

Telling or showing a 'happily ever after' without feeling it is a very empty experience. The heart of drama is experiencing the conflict as it plays out. What you give us is a one minute perfume commercial.

A beautiful girl closes her eyes, awakens in the woods, starts running, getting dirtied and frenzied, a smile on her dirty face as she bites her finger coyly, flashback to a smile on her face in bed--"Woodlands" exclusively available at X.

Would someone want to buy 'Woodlands' seeing that? My guess is probably not. If you can't sell it in a minute, stretching out to five minutes won't help your case. My suggestion is to make it more tantalizing.

Your idea is fine but it doesn't create suspense. It's a hollow suspense. There's no resolution because there's nothing to resolve. We need to care about her and to do that, we need some insight into her and the situation.

She falls asleep. She opens her eyes in the woods and starts to explore. She explores the woods and then wakes up. Work-a-day world. She lays down to sleep. Wakes in the woods and gets a little farther into the woods this time. Finds the gash in the tree, hears a roar and awakens. Rides on the bus in real world. Goes to sleep. Awakens in the woods and cautiously explores and comes upon the muscular woodsman chopping wood. Then she's jarred awake. Very bland world. She goes to bed expectant. Opens her eyes in the woods. This time, she makes her way, and the woodsman is not there. Then we hear the 'beast' as it chases her. She falls, gets dirty and wet. Wakes up soaked in sweat. She's relucant to go to sleep. She drifts off. Wakes in the woods again. She hesitantly explores, panics at the sound of the beast. Finally she stumbles and the woodsman appears to fight it. A flash of the beast and woodsman fighting. She awakens. Real world she's distraught. Now she's frantic to go to sleep. She drifts off and awakens back in the woods, finds a tree with slashes and searches. Running, falling, getting dirty. She finds the dead beast. The trees rustle and she turns back. Her face is dirty. She smiles as the woodsman appears in the woods and heads towards her. Flashback to the bed where you see her smiling in bed.

Build the character through flashes and story. Build suspense. Why she wants to stay awake, why she wants to go to sleep. Maybe have the woodsman as a bus rider or office worker she has a crush on secretly. The beast can be a cheesy halloween costume or even unseen. It's not so much the budget but the story--the objective (what we see) and subjective (what we feel). We see a woman being pursued, falling in love but NOT how it ends except for a smile. We feel her experience--curiosity, fear, attraction, fear, reluctance to sleep, terror of loss, desperate to sleep, and her satisfaction. That's the emotional closure the audience needs.

[Wolverine237]

Originally Posted by RecoilMedia

I like the idea of the violinist, but how would I show the fact that she is a violinist without just blatantly showing her at the beginning of the film?

Maybe she hears the violin in her dream then wakes up and hears the violin from the neighbors house. She looks out the window and sees the neighbor playing the violin. He looks up at her, they make eye contact, share a moment. Fade out.