It seemed to be stream-of-consciousness writing. The comedy elements come across as very disjoint. I think if you gave it a bit more structure, it could be funny. For this kind of comedy, first do the set-up where they are going. I thought the character should look and realize he forgot his cellphone rather than not have one. Then you could use that as a flashpoint where the phone is ringing on the table. Then you flash to everyone waiting at the surprise birthday party location with Jack trying to call them. Then flash back to them in the car stranded on the highway. It conveys to the audience the information they need. Then you can escalate the problems of your storyline and it makes it seem more humorous. Kind of like other travel comedies--you do the set up then make the getting there more complicated. I think with a little more structure, this could be a humorous short.
Linear Mode
